I need to figure out how to love myself. How do you deal with crushes.

I apologize this is long. If anything read the last questions. The summary and situations before can help you cater your answer.

The battle I fight is currently a completely internal one. I am a lucky kid. Really every part of my life except being gay is fantastic. I am among the top in my class, have found a passion, I am blessed with talents, and next year I will probably be going to an incredible college (I have a good shot at IB league tier schools). My problem is I have grown up with overprotective christian parents who have figuratively placed me in a rubber room. To put things into perspective I still am not well versed in female anatomy (ironically it makes people think I am innocent because I don't know all the terms) and I have yet to have the sex talk (thankfully my AP Biology class filled in the missing pieces). I am 17 and I have not made a lot of mistakes outside of scholastic ones. I dont even know how to make mistakes outside of scholastic ones. I am so tired of being afraid of so many things that should feel natural.

This is a huge problem and one I plan to tackle before I go off to college. I realize it is not a problem someone solves in a day so I have thoroughly analyzed it and determined a good place to start: I don't love myself.

Sure I take care of myself. Despite not knowing a thing about fashion or hairstyling I have started to gain the skills to dress decently and comb my bangs in a certain direction. I also eat fairly healthy and stay pretty fit. Except for the fact that I average 5 hours of sleep every night I take good care of myself.

Sure I love the fact that I am smart and good at things I have talent for, but that is basically where it ends. I feel so socially incompetent because it takes so much work for me to switch in between "modes" of school and friends. Don't get me wrong I want to get to know people, I want to talk to them, I don't want to be awkward around new people yet that is not what comes natural. Sit me in front of differential calculus and I am at home, put me at a loud party and I am not. Every time I talk with someone I rate how I did in my head and criticize myself on how well I did. I hate how bad I am at being friendly. What comes easy to me is to be a like a robot that does good work but does not connect with others. I have tried to stop doing that but my brain is so focused on getting better at it. What I have to work on is acting more like a human.

I also am not the biggest fan of my appearance. Recently that has been getting better but I am not a fan of the fact that I am a 6'3 skinny toothpick with acne and below average facial features. Sometimes (although I realize how stupid the idea is later) I feel bad for making people look at me.

However recently another type of hatred has overshadowed everything... One that I thought I had dealt with already is back.

You see in 9th grade I realized what I was gay... as a Christian I was not happy at all. I tried my darnedest to change over even seeking advice from conversion counselors... but when that didn't work I got suicidal and depressed. I clawed my way out by telling some friends, and focusing on making myself stronger. I also realized that God loved me the way I was and I didnt have to give that up to be me. Thankfully I am depression free now... but one ailment from my depression is back.

I hate myself every time I think a guy is cute. And if there is anything that I need advice on most it is this. I need to learn how to deal with crushes. Some days I just tear myself up feeling so guilty for noticing cute guys. I feel bad because I know they wouldn't want anything to do with me. Even if they weren't out of my league I have 0 chance with them. The difference between how I see them and how they would see me is so different.

Also I have noticed a trend that I crush on guys with cocky arrogant attitudes no matter their appearance. I hate that! Sure they have a good dose of confidence but they have so many things wrong.

The most "crushing" crush has been a guy in my band class. I dont know a lot about him. Our band is huuuggge so it would be very unlikely for us to speak to each other. Even if we did I have issues communicating with guys like him. But he is basically everything you would expect from the highschool football stereotype. He is cocky, decently good looking, slightly muscular, and has the confidence I so much envy. Aside from that I know him to be a brilliant musician, a good student, and possibly a bit of a nerd. The bad part about this crush is it has been going on for over a year now. Originally it was just sexual infatuation but now its love. He once played some chords on the piano and I found them so beautiful that I incorporated them into a piano piece... mostly about him. The other day I had a dream where we just hung out, no sex or kissing... just enjoying each others existence.. The worst part about this all is my gut thinks I have a chance. And I would be willing to get to know him to mabye figure out if that is correct but... he is across the room, out of my social sphere, and I don't know what to say to befriend him. Nevertheless I feel guilty about this crush more then any. Usually I can shake crushes, even over the most beautiful guys, after awhile but this one is ongoing. Plus I made the mistake of giving myself hope.

As you may have guessed I am not out. I am 50% sure it will be fine with my parents and 100% sure it will be fine with friends. I meant to do it this fall but with college apps going on I really didn't need something else on my mind plus I cant risk loosing parental support yet. I was already staying up late and did not need worries to keep me up later. Perhaps I will in February... for sure before the school year is out. I can not go to college with out letting my parents know.

It is also worth mentioning that I was in a relationship for about two months. The guy was a friend of mine. Unfortunately when the flame of that relationship was strong I was in another state. I learned a lot but ultimately I broke it off. I realized I had a lot of personal issues I needed to deal with. I was just not ready to make out in cars, derail my schedule, or act spontaneously (It is still a mystery how to figure if it is supposed to be a make out or a kiss). I remembered the advice I had been told so many times before: "It is hard to love someone when you don't love yourself". I was and am not ready.

I am also feeling like I have no one to talk too. I know two LGBT people. One of them I dated. The other one is an adult who is hardly a rolemodel as he is a RADICAL republican (Hillary endorsed by ISIS etc) and grows pot.


How do I find confidence through this? How can I learn to talk to people better? How can I deal with the guilt of crushes? How did you deal with crushes in high school? How did you learn to love yourself better?