Hi, I never had the courage to post on here until now because I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I don't expect many people to read this anyway. The only reason I am here is because I have been struggling with being gay for the past 3-4 years (HS to college). I've felt depressed and suicidal but those feelings have been "on and off" if that makes sense. I'm hoping that someone out there could relate to me and offer advice. During high school is when I felt the worst about myself because of the people in my school and my "friends". Looking back, I felt like everything was working against me. In high school, I put on a straight image but it failed for sure. I had an openly gay guy in my school asked me if I was gay over Facebook, my friends asked me if I was gay (3 times at least), one of my friends told me that I should be gay, and a guy called me a "####sucker" because I didn't let him copy off my paper. All through high school, I was constantly reminded of my sexuality and I ended up hating myself. I remember coming to the point in high school when I wanted to end my life because of the pain. Looking back at this, I blame myself for everything that happened. I'm a college freshman right now and I've acknowledged the fact that I am gay but sometimes I feel in denial. I think about the future a lot now...I'd like to be in a relationship with a guy but I feel obligated by my parents to be with a woman and have children. This isn't what I want but I don't want to embarrass my family. Honestly, I'm afraid of being alone in the future...that no one will love or care about me. I'm sorry if some things don't make sense since I'm writing this late at night. To anyone who read this all, I really appreciate it.
Hey Brinkey, Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed of being who you are. You are not alone! What you are going through is perfectly normal. Although I’ve never been deeply depressed or suicidal about my sexuality, I’ve had many of those same thoughts about wishing I was ‘normal’ and how I’d give almost anything or do anything if I could only be straight. Most of us in the LGBTQ community experience these thoughts at some time in our lives. And when we truly realize and understand that we can’t change this about ourselves, it can lead to a feeling of despair. This is part of the grieving process. Most of us grow up being taught, whether through religious doctrine or just what society basically deems ‘normal’ that homosexuality is an aberration. When we start to realize that we are not ‘normal’ based on those influences, we might start to lose part of our confidence and our self-worth. We might feel that we are letting our parents and those we love down. But, of course, this isn’t true. We don’t choose our sexuality. We are who we were born to be and the way to deal with that is to live our lives being the best people we can possibly be. There are 5 steps to the grieving process. First comes Denial: in this case, “no, I’m not gay.” Next comes Anger: “I hate this and I hate myself! Why can’t I just be ‘normal’ like most other people? Why ME!?!” Then comes Bargaining: “So, maybe I’m gay, but then again maybe I’m bisexual. But, no I’m certain I’m gay. Or am I…?” After that comes Depression: “I want to be ‘normal.’ I wish I was heterosexual. This sucks and I don’t think I could ever really live life as a homosexual. I know I can’t face my parents; I’m letting them down. I don’t even want to face society. I’m just going to hide somewhere until it goes away. Why did I have to be the victim of this cruel joke?” Until, finally, there is Acceptance: “Hmm… Maybe this isn’t as bad as I thought. Maybe I can accept my homosexuality, my same-sex attractions. And you, know what? My sexuality is just a part of who I am, but it doesn’t define who I am. I am going to be the person I was born to be and I will do amazing things with my life!” The steps don’t always occur for any given person in that order and people sometimes go back and forth among the steps. Ultimately, you will only be happy being who you really are. You are not letting your parents down. You don’t owe anyone anything in terms of how you live your life except for yourself. When it comes to living up the ‘expectations’ of your parents, you have to live your own dreams. That’s true for everyone. Sexual preference is irrelevant. For yourself, you can find a great guy, get married and have children (through adoption or surrogacy), if that’s what you want to do. This is a journey that each of us has to undertake on their own, but know that there are people here at EC who care about you and will support you as you go through this. I hope this helps a little. Take Care and Stay Strong!
I'm sorry to hear how tough of a time you had in high school, but then again, it was common for most of us on here. Don't let anyone tell you that there is anything wrong with you, or that you are "unnatural". You are perfectly normal, and perfectly natural. One of the ways I ultimately resolved it is by getting mad- what gives them the right to judge me? Find people you are comfortable with, and a good support network. That'll probably be far easier in college than it was in Hi School. There's nothing wrong with you, at all, and all of us are behind you!
Hi Binkey, I know your story very well because it is also my story. Only it was me a long time ago. I also felt obligated to marry and have children, even though I knew in my heart that I'm gay. This was back in the early 90's for me. I didn't want to be gay. I felt ashamed of being gay, and I had no one to talk to about all this. I didn't even have the internet for support. So, I did what so many of us did back then. I stuffed my gay feelings deep down, and pretended to be straight for everyone, and found a woman who loved me, and married her. I am living proof that it doesn't work. Living the life that others expect from you will only make you unhappy in your life. Add children to that mix and you will set yourself up for many, many heartaches to come. Please read my story here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/219546-coming-out-47-a.html I implore you that whatever you do, don't marry. If you don't feel like you can come out to your family and friends now, that's fine. But don't give in to anyone's expectations that you need to find a woman and marry her. I think you need to work on self-acceptance and rid yourself of the shame and guilt. You have no reason to feel any shame. You are normal, and your sexual attractions are normal and healthy, regardless of what anyone else may say. Please keep posting with us here, and we'll try to help you in any way we can. Take care. ride:
It's hard to not be embarrassed and ashamed of myself because I remember what the people I know say about gays in the past. After posting this thread, I realize that I want to be happy and be true to myself. However, when I try to think positively I let the bad thoughts get to me. ---------- Post added 26th Nov 2016 at 09:17 PM ---------- The only time I ever felt "normal" was when I was on EC. Right now, I don't think I can talk to anyone about my situation because I'm paranoid about people in my town finding out. Thanks for the support. ---------- Post added 26th Nov 2016 at 09:28 PM ---------- I thought it over and I won't go through that route. Your story touched me because it forced me to put myself in your shoes. I don't want to lie and hurt other people. I think I'll try to find books on self-acceptance because I'm tired of feeling miserable.
Brinkey, I am usually a lurker on forums, but having gone through a very depressing weekend of soul searching, I have to reply. I'm glad you are accepting of the facts while you are in college. I am 35 and I only accepted the facts about my sexuality about 3 years ago. I am only now starting to accept myself for me. It's been a very slow process. I too have been depressed and have had suicidal thoughts for years. I am only now truly realizing that I don't have to live like this. I spent so many years analyzing my attractions, trying to understand what was wrong with me. Guess what? Nothing is wrong with me or you. Straight people don't have to understand why they're attracted to certain people, so why should we? As far as family and friends that don't accept you, fuck them! The most important thing to do is to start accepting yourself. It won't be easy, but it's possible. This is something I am working on, you don't have to go through this alone. We're all on this journey together!
