I hate being gay. I don't object to it morally, I just hate all of the crap that comes with it. The constant worrying about how people are going to react if they find out, whether or not I'll be able to be openly affectionate with a guy (that is, if I ever find the courage to date)...I naturally have pretty feminine interests (into Britney Spears music, Grey's Anatomy, etc.) but I've always been ashamed of it, and I don't know how to embrace it. And because of extenuating circumstances, I'm not able to get involved in the LGBT community and build my identity that way. It sucks and I feel kind of hopeless.
Yeah I've been there, and quite frankly I am still concerned about how people are going to react. I think that's normal, though. Some people are going to accept you and some won't. I can guarantee you that it gets better, if really does. You'll learn to love yourself because of the people that come and go in your life. You don't have to be openly affectionate if you don't want to. My boyfriend and I have limits, so leaning on each other's shoulders or hugs is all we do in a public setting. Maybe a kiss here and there, but we keep our PDA down to a minimum just like many other couples do. Back when I didn't have a place to vent my problems, I always came here to EC. Kind of gives you a community if you feel like you don't have one.
Hey daughtry, I know exactly how you feel. I've been having the same problems for a long time now. I feel like the constant worrying is the worst! That if I didn't care what other people thought, I might actually be ok with being gay. I wouldn't call myself effeminate, but I certainly do have some interests that are typically feminine in nature (like most men do, I think! - Guilty pleasures!). But I too am afraid of people finding out about me, so I keep these type of things hidden and try not to think about it. I'm not sure exactly what your circumstances are that you can't get involved in the gay community. But personally, I can't get involved as I am too afraid of people I know finding out about it. But another reason is, like your title states, "I don't know how to be gay"...I really don't, I have never allowed myself to figure out how to be gay, and now I'm at a point where I wouldn't know what to say or do in an LGBT setting, and I don't want to embarass myself or be rejected by the lgbt community. I have feelings all the time that nothing will get better, and I cant say for sure if it will for me. But what I will say is that trying to hide from it, is only making things worse (for me anyway!). I'm not ready to join a big gay pride group, but I am going to get in contact with an lgbt online counselling group. It might be a good idea for you to try something similar. Hope this helps a little. At least to know that you're not alone.
Thanks, guys. I grew up in a pretty redneck area where there was a lot of pressure to be a guy's guy...I played sports for a number of years growing up but started doing the drama club in high school. I didn't know I was gay at the time, but I got bullied and accused of being gay because I was in the drama club. I got very defensive about it and felt feminized. One time my "friend" told me that when I got married one day, my wife was going to make me her [insert word for a female dog here.] So basically, the messaging I was getting from a lot of the people in my life was that I was not man enough to be with a woman...and now it turns out I'm gay anyway, and so I feel even more feminized now...so it's quite a predicament. Ugh. And I hate whining but I'm doing a lot of it lately.
Your first sentence here is the key. Coming out to everyone stops the worrying about how people are going to react, and doing that leads naturally to you dropping the shame and beginning to embrace your gay self. The worry about dating, openly being affectionate, worries over your feminine side - they're all tied to you being in the closet and ashamed of being who you are. Coming out for me was the liberation from all these things. I think it could be for you as well. Take care. ride:
It would be nice to come out to everyone but I'm really struggling with the whole "breaking the mold" thing. I've always been the obedient, prudish, goody two shoes type all my life and I hate the idea of being different. I feel like a pervert sometimes even in my current, quasi-closeted state, and I think that would get worse if I were out to more people...like I honestly think it would make me sick to my stomach to be out to more people. Ugh.
I do know about "breaking the mold." I'm 47, married to a woman, with 2 kids. That is my mold that always seemed set in stone. Of course, it's a mold I created. There are two main issues that I see are what hold you back. 1. You have shame for being gay. That's not a personal failing of you. It's what you were taught in adolescence, that being gay is not normal. That message that you were given was a lie, and it was a lie that almost all of us were taught. Breaking yourself of this shame is a necessary element of growth in fully accepting your sexuality. 2. You are living your life for the approval of others. This is also not a personal failing of yours because we naturally want those who we love and who love us to approve of us. However, it is when the approval of others becomes unhealthy to your body and mind that you need to decide that you only live once in this life, and it won't last forever. Take care. ride:
