Sorry if this is a mess, but this will be the first time I ever put these thoughts into writing... So this past week I feel like I've somewhat finally come to accept my sexuality. A few things happened that kind of made me "crack". An acquaintance/coworker came to a party in drag. Another lesbian coworker was talking to me about how fine the girls were... and all I could think was that I wanted to feel free like them. They didn't give a fuck! Then later in the week, some friends were making gay jokes and joking about bi erasure (something I did not realize was a thing until recently). Ever since then I have been crying almost nonstop. It's been at least 18 years since I realized I wasn't straight for sure. 3 years ago I accepted the fact that I am bisexual. Now after all these years of internal struggle and trying to understand, I am ready to stop hating myself and accept me for me. It's tough, though... As you can see it has taken me a long time to get to where I am. I'm about to be 36 and I feel holding this secret in has been killing me. I have not been in a relationship since college because I've always worried I would never find someone to accept me (which I realize is not true, and silly). So far I've only told one person that I am bisexual. My best friend was suicidal and I've spoken to him about my depression plenty of times. I really thought he might kill himself, so I told him my biggest secret. He was very accepting, like I knew he would be. So accepting, that it scared the shit out of me, and I refused to talk about it with him anymore when he brought it back up. This was about 3 years ago, and I have not said a word about it to him ever again, and he has respected my wishes and never spoke of it to me. Now, I feel like I may be ready to really speak about it with him. I am thinking about coming out to his wife when i visit for the holidays. Hopefully I won't chicken out. I am shaking and feel nervous just writing this post. What kills me is I know anybody I love and care about will accept me for who I am, but for some reason I cannot fully accept myself. What can I do to change this? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to start living my life and being happy before it is too late. Sorry, I had to add my backstory... I feel a lot better just from writing this. I am happy I found this website and it has helped me a lot this weekend. Knowing other people are going through the same/similar struggle has been great (though I am definitely sorry anybody has to go through this). Also, knowing people have the same tastes as me (which must be weirder in my mind than in reality) has made me feel a lot better.
Hey! Welcome to EC and congrats on coming on here and sharing your story, it is not an easy thing to do. So, I'm a guy, early 30s, who is also bi, but I've shared some of your same struggles, so you are definitely not alone. I could totally relate to what you went through at that party; some of my friends are female, and all I want is to be able to talk about guys with them and not care about what people think. It's a lot easier said than done though. Also, like you, I knew I wasn't 100% straight for many years, but it wasn't until the last couple of years that I realized that I was bi, and it has taken me a long time to embrace that aspect of myself and to not feel ashamed or guilty. Holding onto this and keeping it hidden definitely was very tough on me mentally too, and I finally started the process of coming out to a few people in my life so it wasn't a complete secret. My first few coming outs were really tough, even though I knew my friends (and one family member) were going to be accepting and supportive, it's still a very hard thing to do. I'm not sure if I have the best advice, but I would just say that please know that you are not alone in this, and that you've already come a long way towards being your true self and living the life that you deserve. In terms of coming out to people, just try to pick not only friends or people that will be supportive, but also people who don't mind you talking about your sexuality with them. Personally, I've found that the more I'm able to talk openly about my attractions to guys with my friends, the more I get personally comfortable with who I am. Anyway, I hope this helps a little bit!
@hrcbho1 Thank you for the reply. It definitely meant a lot. I saw it the first day, but I've just been an emotional mess trying to processing all of this. It's definitely good to know that I am not going through this alone. It's been a weird thing to finally start accepting who you are. I feel like my brain is rewiring itself and correcting all the nonsense I felt. This opened me up to do more research on these feelings I've been having. I've been learning a lot about myself (it really helps to not be scared anymore). I am pretty sure I am bigender, at least that description seems to fit me. I had no idea that this was even a thing. I always felt crazy because I didn't mind being male, but would sometimes feel feminine, and visualize myself as a female. This is really what caused me the most confusion and self hate. Something that never really clicked for me until recently is, I am attracted to the people who are the visual representation of how I feel. I am the most attracted to androgynous people (although I definitely prefer the more feminine faces). I hope this isn't considered bad, or a fetish... but something about androgynous people just really does it for me.
