I don’t even know where to begin with this. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of failing to connect with people. I’m tired of dysphoria. I’m tired of trauma and mental illness. I’m tired of transmisogyny. I’m tired of all the suffering in the world. I’m tired of living and feeling all this. As long as I live, I will suffer. I’m not keen on my future possibilities. What people pitch to me sounds really bad. I don’t want to work a shitty job to live a shitty life. I’ve never had a job, but I can only reasonably expect it to be shitty, plus there’s that thing of me being revolted by the idea of doing things I don’t want to do, just to be able to live a life I have strong mixed feelings about. I don’t want to fight the pain anymore. Choosing to live means sticking around for more pain. I’m thinking about killing myself early next year. I’ve chosen a method. It’s the most practical plan I’ve ever had. The amount of physical pain will/would be low, although the mental pain would be excruciating unless I can manage to fully embrace death. My main objections to killing myself are that I don’t want to leave a corpse behind (especially my godly hair- I can’t stress enough how amazing my hair is), I don’t want my dog to be without his person, and I don’t want to hurt people with my death. The last of these I think is the weakest, because then I think of people telling me to live no matter what even though it’s painful and shitty, and I don’t think it’s right to tell someone to live if it means suffering like this with there only being alleged hope for slight/moderate improvement. Or at least I think it's not entirely right. Mostly right, but it's complicated. I’m not sure what I want out of this forum. Maybe to complain about how awful this world is to trans people. Maybe to get other perspectives and find the willpower to continue to live. I’ve tried pretty much everything to make my life more livable. Transition, antidepressants, pursuing hobbies, trying to build relationships, therapy, smoking a shitload of weed. The only things that could maybe improve are the antidepressants and magical social success. I’m going to see a psychiatrist to see if my medications can be improved. And I’m trying to build relationships, but I very strongly get the impression that people don’t want to connect with me. On paper, people think I’m amazing, but then I have the social skills of a potato. I can no longer realistically believe I have the capacity to form deep relationships. In theory I could make it work with my intellect and idiosyncratic charm, but my lack of social skills means that can’t even come into play, because people determine they don’t want to be around me far quicker than they can see my positive qualities. And I kinda miss seeing those dancing bananas and people helping each other on this forum. Happy dancing banana day. (!) Celebrate it by helping people, including yourselves. (!)
I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I can relate to you feeling tired, alone, depressed, and suicidal. I still carry these feelings with me today. You are not alone. There's people who can relate to you in one way or another (like me). Unfortunately, we are all separated by a computer screen. Maybe this sounds cliché but, the only reason I choose to keep living is because I hope that things could change for the better. If you ended your life, think about the people you could have potentially met in the future. It takes one person to change someone else's life and you could be that person to someone else. What tomorrow brings is unknown. If you or I cut our lives short, there would be a 100% chance of things never getting better. This is your life. As long as your heart beats, your life will change. I'm not good with giving advice but I hope this helps you reconsider your choice.
It sounds like you need a reason to live. Everyone needs that. For me, one of the most rewarding reasons is for helping people. I help run a forum like this one. Often I have something to share that may help someone. I'm a stay at home person. Nearly everyone I know, I only know online. I've been that way for years. I've found things that I enjoy. Sometimes if you can pull your mind away from the negative, and we all have plenty of that, you can discover positive and rewarding things. That doesn't make the negative things go away. But it makes them not matter so much, perhaps not at all. That's been the case for me. Try reaching out; not just to people but to things in life and things that exist in the world that may give you some enjoyment. In my situation all I have is the internet, but if I use its resources well, it's enough. I suffer from chronic depression. My meds work well for me, but the first one I tried didn't do anything, even though it was chosen to be most effective for most people. The second one I tried has been a life changer. I can't emphasize enough how it's changed things for me. So that's a possibility. When one is depressed and frustrated it's hard to envision any hope. Something has to give you a break, enough for you to see that tiny spark. Then it gets brighter and brighter. I wish you well.
sorry to hear. just know that you're not alone. i dont relate to everything you go through, but with the lack of social skills and the suicidal thoughts, i can relate. my heart goes out to you
I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. What I have found that has been helping me over the years is self help. I like to smoke a bowl and listen to audiobooks or podcasts while I walk my dog or at work. This helps to keep me positive and to remind myself to love myself. I have been a pessimist for as long as I can remember (still am). I have felt unlucky and hopeless for the longest time. I've never attempted suicide, but whenever I've had thoughts, I would also think about my family, friends, and my dog. I don't think it's weak to borrow strength from people you love (that's the way I look at it). My depression has also caused me to develop social anxiety and occasionally have panic attacks. I have never been to a therapist or anything, but I believe the root cause comes down to one thing. I do not love myself. It sounds so corny to me, but that is what it is. So I've made it my mission to learn how to love myself. Maybe you can too. I have found that this podcast has been a big help keeping me positive, opening up new ideas for me, and allowing me to believe that life can be different. Hopefully you feel the same. If not, try to find someone else. The more I do it, the more I feel it is important to hear/read something positive daily. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgeicB5AuF3MyyUto0-M5Lw I also want to say, life definitely isn't perfect, but something I am learning is that things can work out. Things can fall into place if you let it (obviously there must be effort on your part). The hard part is letting it and being open to new ways of thinking. Hopefully, this helps you a little and I wasn't rambling.
I'm so sorry you feel this way. I wish I could be there with you to listen. One of my biggest challenges with depression is "emotional reasoning". My emotions are so much an image of life projected on my awareness. My emotions filter the way that see life, and my emotions can seem so real. It can seem like emotions are reality, but they're not. That being said, as a trans person you are going through a process that I as a cisgendered gay man could never fully understand. I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes, but I do know that everyone's pain hurts, and pain can be debilitating. If you are able, see that your pain is manageable because your other emotions are manageable too. Again, your emotions, including pain, are not reality. I would recommend talking to a therapist about distortions in thinking. When we distort our thinking it turns life into a scary experience that I liken to being in a carnival fun house with curved mirrors. My mind gets trapped in that kind of distortion all too often. The universe would not quite work the same without you. Your absence would deprive the universe of you, and that could not be replaced. Please know that you are loved. Patrick Seattle, WA
This is tough, how about we make a deal, you don't kill yourself, and I won't kill myself, that way, we both see how the strength to live is stronger than we think. Because, strength lies in a just heart, and only a true life-ender would stay in the shadow and never come to the light. That light, being here in this place. I figured that out myself, and now you know too.
I pulled some of the negative words out of your post below in the order in which they occurred to give you an idea of what it is like to experience your expressions from the strangers perspective. From my perspective, you seem to be on a combined path - one that continues and one that ends abruptly. Both paths are fully of treachery and you know you cannot keep them in play together like this indefinitely. One day your paths will split and you will be forced to make that life or death decision. I am somewhat surprised that you are as aware of this outcome as you are. Perspective must be one of the positive qualities you mentioned having. I was not at all aware of my outcome until the very end. I chose death but as you probably guessed, I was miraculously spared. But the experience changed me completely. I had always been a compassionate person, toward others that is. But never toward myself. I didn't think I was worthy of it. I was so determined to die on that day that in that moment of it I really did die and somewhere between the time that I felt death and the time I was about to experience it I was freed. Freed to feel compassion for myself as though it was for another person. When I woke up that sense stayed with me and I was no longer bound to all of the negative expressions that had defined my life previously. I won't sugar coat it, it was very hard for me to get on the right path. It took years of hard work and many hours of therapy, but it was very definitely worth it in the end. I'm still a weird person with a somewhat hard edge to me most of the time, but I'm also very happy to have been spared and to be alive experiencing life right now. I don't know what is possible for you but I never imagined I could ever be as truly happy as I am right now so there has to be hope that you can make it there too if you are determined. I think the only reason you still have hope is because you know this is possible. Use your perspective, set your goals now before you sink all the way to the bottom like I did. Don't wait for your time to run out to do something about this. Alone Failing Dysphoria Trauma Illness Transmisogyny Suffering Bad Shitty Revolted Fight Pain Excruciating Death Killing Stress Without Hurt Weakest Complicated Awful
Thanks for your kind words. I'm in intensive therapy now. At some point I started wanting to get better. It's something unfamiliar, but something about it feels better. Maybe it's because I'm too busy to think about the future much. Maybe it's because of the stuff I'm learning in therapy, or because I'm reaching out more- who knows.
That's great Systems, just keep doing your part - see the therapist, stay busy, stay grateful. I remember well when I was feeling similarly to you. My thoughts were distorted and my negative feelings seemed so real - I lost sight of how awesome I really am. You are going to clear your mind and your heart, and you will see the gift that you truly are. *warm, warm hug for as long as you need* Patrick
