I am a closeted asexual gay male and one of the things I am most attracted to is bromance behavior...things straight guys do that blur the boundaries between comradery and homoeroticism. I've always wondered, is it common for straight guys to hang out together half naked (shirtless or in boxers) on the couch with their arms around each other's shoulders watching TV? I've seen this once at a superbowl party a few years ago and both guys were supposedly straight. It's kind of a fantasy I have though and I am curious as to whether or not this is something straight guys typically do and if it would be easy to initiate without it being awkward if the guy is straight. From personal experience, if the guy is gay, he probably won't be able to sit and cuddle very long without the situation escalating into something more. Thoughts?
Hey okccpdude, What you describe (although I don't particularly know about sitting around in boxers - more normally shorts) isn't particularly unusual for straight guys who are really good friends, especially those who are very comfortable with their heterosexuality. In my experience, it's not even unusual for straight guys who are close friends to cuddle on the couch while watching a movie. But it's about comfort and friendship, nothing sexual at all. Close straight friends of mine who thought I was also straight have cuddled with me on occasion. But, as I indicated, it was about comfort and there was nothing sexual about it. I don't know if that helps answer your question.
I've known a few straight men who were absolutely straight and could cuddle with other men. I think it's completely legitimate however it's just not understood and accepted by our homophobic and heteronormative society. There are many other countries where male-male affection is not considered strange or wrong. We simply don't understand and accept that men need to be touched, and sometimes by men.
Thanks for responding. I know straight guys do cuddle from time to time. I did it at a New Years party in 2012 with a friend, but we were fully clothed. I was wondering how common it is to do it while both are shirtless (which is a little more "vulnerable"). I have always wanted to do this, but being that I am not comfortable with my sexuality I have never been able to initiate it. Two years ago at a super bowl party I went to, two guys were in only shorts ended up sitting together in a large bean bag chair with their arms around each others shoulders and they stayed that way through the entire game. Today they are both married to women. Honestly, that was difficult for me to be around because its something I want so bad but feel I cannot have.
Hey okccpdude, Whether or not straight guys do this shirtless or not is usually purely a matter of circumstance and not something consciously thought out ahead of time. If a guy is comfortable going around shirtless and in just shorts at a Super Bowl party, then that's his choice. So if he and a buddy who is also shirtless and in shorts settle down into a bean bag chair and put their arms around each others' shoulders, it's no big deal at all. What you won't see is kissing or romantic caressing because, like I said, it's not a sexual thing, it's just comfort and sometimes, as Patrick7269 said, guys just like to touch and be touched by other guys - just physical contact. Personally, I don't go around shirtless even if there is no one else around in my house, but I have been cuddled before by a straight friend who was shirtless because it was very warm and he wanted to be comfortable. Like I said, though, that was a matter of circumstance and nothing else. More often than not, when I've cuddled with straight close friends, they've initiated it, but I've initiated it on occasion. A couple times I just asked to be held (hugged for a long period of time) and they obliged. A couple other times, when watching a movie or sports or something, one of my straight friends might motion for me to sit directly next to him on the couch and, if I feel like it, I will. If he puts his arm around my shoulder, I might lean into him or even rest my head on his shoulder. I've taken the initiative and done the same thing with some of my straight close friends on occasion (i.e. motion for them to sit close to me while watching TV and they either do or don't), but the situation doesn't happen all that often and even much less often with the same straight friend. I understand that you want that kind of contact, but, first, you need to be close friends with the straight guy(s) for it to seem comfortable for them (and they need to be secure in their heterosexuality) and, second, it can be much harder for a gay guy if he can’t keep the fact that it’s comfort contact and not romantic/sexual contact clear in his mind. Crossing the line and make things weird by initiating any romantic contact like caressing can shock and piss off your straight friends and possibly even tank your friendship completely. Since your profile indicates that you are not out at all, your straight friends would likely be extremely shocked and pissed if you crossed the line with any of them that were will to oblige you with such contact. It might be better to let them know that you are gay, but would just like to be held, so that they can make a conscious decision and will probably be less likely to take strong offense to anything you even inadvertently do that crosses the ‘guy etiquette’ line. I don’t know if that helps…
Good points. I definitely understand there is a fine line between what is appropriate 'guy eiquettte' and what is over the line and it varies from person to person. Usually you don't see straight guys, even those who are the most comfortable with each other, caressing unless it is a joke. The shirtless guys at the super bowl party would squeeze each other's shoulders while talking and patted each other's nipples a few times but nothing more. One thing is that these guys were athletes and I find guys who play sports are more comfortable with that level of "camaraderie" than guys who don't. With some guys, even asking them to sit right next to you instead of at the opposite end of the couch without there being a reason for it might seem a little weird. As somebody who has never been comfortable with my sexuality, I have never felt comfortable initiating physical contact with my guy friends because I worry about risking my friendship, which is a possibility if I unintentionally "cross the line."
Well okccpdude, I think it definitely depends, as I said, on how comfortable a guy is with his own sexuality and the level of friendship with the other guy. Your point about the two you described being athletes is spot-on. In my case, most of my friends are close because we are military buddies. In your case, if you are not yet really comfortable with your own sexuality, I can see where that can cause you problems. Do you have any really close male straight friends that you would ever consider just asking to hold you and comfort you in, say, a personal crisis situation (like if you were extremely sad and depressed, were experiencing an extreme illness of a family member, etc)?
I have one guy friend who in just the right situation, I might be able to pull something off. It would have to be the right situation though and mind-altering substances would likely have to be involved. And like you said, it would have to be circumstantial. I couldn't try to force it. My other close friend isn't really comfortable with his sexuality (he's the kind who is uncomfortable even hugging) so I doubt any kind of physical closeness could ever happen with him.
O.K., I think you identified the situation pretty well. Like you said, though, it kinda has to ‘just happen’ under the right circumstances. You can’t really pre-plan for an opportune moment for this stuff. It kinda happens or it doesn’t. (I don’t know about the mind-altering substances. On a couple of occasions that I’ve been involved with we were both drinking, but in most we were completely sober.) So are your questions/concerns pretty much answered?
Yeah this pretty much answers it. I think the best way to try to make this happen would be to become friends with a guy who is touchy-feely by nature (some are). There are some straight guys who are always putting their arms around their friends. Once we are close friends, try to plan an event or hangout situation in which we would both be shirtless for a considerable period of time. Unfortunately, at the moment none of my friends are the type where that would be easy.
I used to know a guy who was straight and very comfortable holding me. He had no idea how crazy it drove me! Honestly I think he was possibly flirting with me too, so he wasn't completely straight. Still, I could tell that he was holding me in a comforting, nurturing way for him, not a sexual way. You may want to consider what it is exactly that you want from being held. That emotion of being cared for an nurtured can only come from someone you trust and you're close to, and believe me it's not a sexual thing. It sounds like the experience you want this physical act to represent is emotional intimacy. I have known straight men who are capable of physically expressing (with men) their emotional intimacy. I think it's one of the coolest things I've ever seen too! If you were to walk down the streets of, say, an Indian city such as Calcutta, you would very likely see men walking down the street arm in arm. These men are straight as an arrow, but their culture does not shame them for expressing affection. That would be confusing for me to see because I live in the US, but their culture is different. Unfortunately, our US culture rewards men for being stoic and not expressing emotion, and this contributes toward a cultural norm that men don't touch. I think that's wrong and is a detriment to men's mental health. Patrick
