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Struggling to overcome past feelings and form new ones

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by pman117, Dec 5, 2016.

  1. pman117

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    Hey fellas, I've got a bit of an issue that I've probably already got the solution for but I wanted to see if any of you guys have been through a similar scenario and see how you got through it. There's several different things going on here so feel free to pick one or all to comment on (or none haha)!

    Long story short, I believe I fell hard in love with a guy that didn't feel the same way. We talked about being more than friends but he was "never ready" and then all of a sudden he ran off with an ex from several years ago and hasn't spoken to me in over a month which I know isn't that long and I probably will never hear from him either.

    Anyway, I met another guy that I kind of like. We've hung out a couple times but I had a really terrible thing happen when I left after the last time we got together. We went to lunch, watched a movie and made out. Honestly it was probably too soon for me to do anything intimate and I've since realized that. The issue is after I left I got that heart sinking, pit in your stomach feeling and started thinking, "Why couldn't that have been the other guy" which is miserable. Especially since me and this new guy had a good time. This is the first time I got that feeling and I contribute it solely to the cuddling and making out. Other times we hung out I had no "flashbacks" or bad feelings afterwards. It is definitely nice to have someone want to spend time with me that's for sure. I feel that I've been ready to be in a relationship with one guy for so long that I'm going to settle or take the next available and I know that won't end well.

    The obvious answer is I'm not ready to be intimate with someone else and that it's too soon to try and be anything more than just friends with anyone. I also understand that people aren't interchangeable. Just because I was ready for a relationship with one guy doesn't mean I'm ready for a relationship with someone else. I guess my question is: is the only "cure" for getting over someone and then getting comfortable being in a potential relationship again the cliche answer of time? I've read several other posts on here about getting over someone and all that which has helped a bit. But if I keep thinking about someone else or go from having a good time to being sad/depressed after even the most basic forms of intimacy, then I obviously can't keep going.
     
  2. Gravity

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    Well, time is one component in most situations, yes - but not the only one. A person can spend a lot of time getting over a relationship, moving on, developing new interests, friendships, and routines - or a person can spend a lot of time fixating on a relationship that ended or otherwise didn't work out, and not allowing themselves to explore new paths in life.

    You mention that you haven't spoken to this other guy in about a month, but otherwise don't mention how long it's been since it didn't work out, whatever that may mean in this case. If it's only been a month since all this happened, then yes, it's possible that you simply haven't had time to refocus yourself and grow after the previous situation.

    If you think you're genuinely interested in the guy you've met more recently but aren't sure how to negotiate it, there's a few things you could try. You might talk it out with a friend, a family member, or here on EC. You could try to explore some of that self-growth now - find new hobbies, interests, intellectual pursuits, new ways to have fun, and so forth. If counseling is an option, you could try that as well as a way to help guide the self-growth.

    You could talk to the guy you've been dating recently about it, but that depends on a lot - how much you want to tell him about it, how good of an idea you think it would be to tell him about a situation you might not be fully over yet (even if you're 100% clear that you want to move past it). You could also simply say that you want to take things slower, but reaffirm that you do want to still be spending time together dating (if this is in fact how you feel).

    Of course, on the other hand, if you're just not ready, then you're just not ready. All the proactive healthy steps in the world won't change that. So, maybe take some time to explore your personal status, decide how you feel, and then decide what you want to do going forward. :slight_smile: