Does it really get better?

Hey Guff,

I’m sorry you’re feeling down again. I know it’s hard to see the bigger picture when you’re still dealing with a crappy day-to-day situation. It will definitely get better for you, but, as all good things do in this world, it will take time. You’ve barely begun to live your life, my friend. How long have you really been dealing with the major issues that you are now dealing with? And how long have you really been getting help to work through them? Not very long in the big picture of life.

The counseling, meds, and getting into a better sleep routine will definitely help. And, like all the rest of us (meaning people in the world), you have good days and bad days. Happy periods in your life and sad periods in your life. But if you go into things with a more positive attitude, you are much more likely to see positive things result, as well.

The “friends” that you’ve lost clearly aren’t real friends if they can’t accept the small part of you which is homosexual in additional to the rest of your wonderful personality. When you get away from home and get to college, you will definitely meet new and truly accepting friends. One thing on you checklist of colleges/universities that you are interested in attending should probably be to research to see that they have an active GSA-type of organization on campus and see what other group activities/clubs they offer that you might be interested in joining.

Getting away from home and being able to just be yourself and find real friends will also definitely help, although that is down the road a bit, I understand. I believe you have goals for yourself in terms of you homeschooling that you want to meet before heading off on your own to college – and, of course, your schooling and your grades will play a role in your long-term ability to get scholarships and other financial support for your education. Can you focus on your goals for now? Try to ignore the negative people around you as much as possible and work on improving yourself as much as possible until you graduate from your home schooling. Focus on your studies, a new hobby, an old hobby, and maybe physical fitness (like running and/or other physical activities).

In terms of your belief/religion, you don’t have to give it up at all. All Christianity isn’t anti-homosexual. Take comfort in what you find to be true in your heart. A classic theme in Christianity, as I’m sure you know, is persecution and coming out stronger on the other side despite that persecution.

Take Care, my friend!

 

Hey Guff,

I totally agree with Quantumreality's advice. I think focusing on taking care of yourself, keeping healthy and fit, and learning new things is essential. These have helped me through some very tough times and have built up my self-confidence a lot.

I was homeschooled like you in a very conservative family (my father is even a minister) and I had a very hard time coming out. Unlike you, though, I came out in college. Today I am out and proud to everyone as both gay and atheist and, despite my personal struggles (which everyone has), I have never felt happier and more hopeful in life. The idea that without religion there is no hope and comfort is, I find, totally false and tricky to shake off. I know that everyone has their own journey with religion, but just know that if you end up outgrowing your beliefs, it doesn't mean you'll be unhappy and lost. The opposite, actually.

Anyways, I want to say that YES, it does get better! Don't give up. Nobody can change who you are inside, no matter how much they try. My parents couldn't change me, and now I'm free and able to choose how to live for myself. You will too, very soon.

A warm hug to you, my friend! Stay strong!

---------- Post added 13th Dec 2016 at 10:05 PM ----------

Okay, I posted my response before I saw yours, so let me just add a little more.

1) You are not a "loser." You are lost, you are hurting, and you are in a very uncertain time of your life. I can relate to these things, because I used to (and sometimes still do) feel that way. I used to wonder if my life was worth anything at all and if I would ever feel happy. I didn't think so. But I was very, very wrong. For me, it took learning to love myself, educate myself, and stand up for myself. It also ultimately took a change of situation--moving away from home. If it isn't the right time for the latter, then just focus on the former.

2) I can't speak for many of the people on your "how many" list, but I can tell you from my own experience that people who have suffered can and do find peace and happiness. Nobody has a worry and stress free life. That's unrealistic, and shouldn't be anyone's goal. Life is life, but along with worry and stress it also brings moments of joy and warmth. I myself am learning to embrace both and to appreciate the fact that I have this incredible chance to breathe, to live, to exist. To take part in the magnificent phenomenon we call life.

3) About religion, it sounds like you are where I used to be. I used to want to keep believing, and I was frightened to imagine life without the security blanket of religion. But ultimately I came to realize that I was kidding myself and that religion was itself actually a huge source of fear and stress for me. I don't want to offend our religious friends, so I'll stop there, but feel free to message me if you want to hear more about my experience.

 

Hey Guff,

Listen to Grounded Eagle. He makes a lot of sense.

Actually, I don't disagree. I don't believe in organized religion. That doesn't mean that I don't believe in a higher power. Nor that I am unable to have spiritual belief.

All good questions. I don't know. I don't think you really know, either. Do you? Maybe you could do some research. Or even talk to your counselor about these questions. He might be able to give you some thoughts and maybe some ideas for finding answers for yourself.

That's your own current point of view. If you simply were allowed to be yourself for once and were encouraged instead of discouraged, I feel certain that you would find that life is actually good and become motivated again. That's what I would love to see for you.

Take Care, my friend!

 

Hey Guff,

Just wanted to chime in here with my little story, I was home schooled, very sheltered and mostly friendless. While my family is not overly religious,we did go to church every Sunday when I was young. I knew from a very young age that being gay was considered wrong by my family, so I buried it down deep until I was older and had lived on my own for awhile. I know that I am very fortunate to have loving, accepting parents now, but my family(parents) have changed a lot in the last several years. I believe that if I had come out when I was 16 or 17 then things would have been very different for me, it would have been a lot more difficult for me and my family at that time. My mom and I talked about it and she agrees that it would have been bad due to several different factors.

While it was easier for me to come out at a later age, I wish I could have been more open and honest with myself and others at your age. When I was your age I was still deep in the closet and fully non-accepting of myself. I used to hate what I saw in the mirror and avoided mirrors, I neglected myself in many ways, my health and hygiene mostly. I did not care about myself and just wallowed in self pitty. I have been dealing with depression since I was 13 and made a silly attempt at suicide which I immediately regretted. I've never fit in always been the outcast or 3rd wheel, depression, anxiety social awkwardness, you name it I go it.

I tell you all that so that I can tell you this. Things DO get better, while my life is not perfect and I have many regrets, I can say that things are better. I now like who I see in the mirror, I take care of myself and feel way better in general. My depression has gotten way better and I rarely have bad days anymore. I mostly grew out of the awkwardness, still have social anxiety, but I'm working on it.

My parents still have religious beliefs but I have never been anything but an atheist. I can understand how questioning or losing your faith would be scary or depressing. All I can say is that if this is it and there is no after life then we all need to live our lives in the most fulfilling ways we can, because life is short and can change forever in a split second. Live for yourself and not for others, in the end it is your happiness, your regret and your life.

Good luck Guff.
-Totes

---------- Post added 14th Dec 2016 at 04:19 AM ----------

Hes right, the difference between being encouraged vs discouraged makes a HUGE difference. A bigger difference than I can explain right now.

 

I guess I will chime in and say that I was raised in a very religious family and tried to kill myself my senior year in high school. In fact I was totally out of commission for three months at that point. So I can totally understand the feeling that it won't get better.

But I can also say that for me it did. Once I was finally able to just be me it got a lot better very fast. I've been with my husband for almost nineteen years at this point and I thank G*d for him every day. I really do have a life more wonderful than I could have even imagined let alone expected. Even my family came around. They recognize that I really came into my own when I came out and they frankly adore my husband. In fact he was the last person my Mother asked for on her deathbed.

Does it get better for everyone? No, I don't suppose it does--partly because not everyone gives it enough time. But I know it gets so much better for so many people that I think it is worth waiting for, worth hoping for, worth working towards. The other thing I can say is being where you are now, when it does happen you'll actually appreciate it. It's hard to see it from the other side, but please just trust me from this side that perspective is such a gift. Please hold on and let it happen.

 

It's important to see how interconnected all of the issues you mention are Guff, but at the same time it's important to try to separate them out and deal with one thing at a time, otherwise it feels even more intimidating and overwhelming. When we are depressed there is a tendency to lump everything together and just see a massive, densely packed snowball, gaining in size and coming downhill towards us.

You and I have spoken in the past about some things and I'm not going to expand on it all here on the public forum, but I promise you that things can and do get better. It is possible to make progress with some of your issues in the short to medium term and then clear some precious head space for the more difficult things that require greater, long term focus. If it were not so, I wouldn't tell you this, because there is nothing worse than receiving false hope.

You know you can PM if you want to talk.

 

Hi Guff,

I'm sorry to hear that your are still having such a difficult time, especially with your brother from the sounds of it. Is your father still being supportive of your needs? He seemed to be the most open minded of your family.

I'm just going to set out my thoughts so it won't be in any kind of order.

I'd say that everyone is in a slightly different situation. Coming out in college may have been a better time and place but with the suicide attempts and everything you were going through it was necessary that you told your family. So you are doing the best you can in your situation and you shouldn't expect more of yourself than you can do at this point in time and in your circumstances.

I suffer from depression, it seems to be cyclical with me and it isn't great but I cope with it a lot better now than I did in the past. For me a significant factor was being gay and not accepting myself, I felt like I would be trapped in living a lie for my entire life and would ultimately be lonely. But you've already done the first step, accepting yourself as gay and you are now in the difficult process of building a life on that basis. Like you said if your family were supportive/encouraging you would be feeling very different and that is also true for you in the future when you are away from your family. I hope that brings you some comfort even if it seems far off at this point.

I can't really speak to the issues you have with faith, I would just say that not believing doesn't mean you can't enjoy life and get a great deal of joy out of life. Grounded Eagle also makes a good point about being a source of stress and anxiety (particularly as you have grown up in a conservative religious house). Perhaps you should look at religious groups that are accepting? It sounds like you are having issues about the belief in a supernatural being itself but if your belief is important exploring alternative beliefs might help you deal with things.

As for your current situation, would you consider taking on some martial art lessons or some self-defence classes? It might help you feel better and give you some tips on how to protect yourself.

I really don't know if I've been helpful but I hope you know that you aren't on your own, that your life will get better the more you can be yourself and that the problems with your family are not the end of the road. Your parents have already been much more supportive than you thought. Your friends stepping back must be a real blow but as Quantumreality said they aren't true friends if they can't consider how their behaviour makes you feel. When you make friends in future you will be able to open and honest with them and they will accept you.

Keep talking here, you've made friends here who genuinely care about you and your well-being.