Hi Guys, So with great struggle, I have finally got in contact with another therapist, and will hopefully be starting therapy in the next couple of weeks. I have previously seen a therapist which did help a little but I had to finish early as I was moving abroad. I had hoped that things would change when I moved but they really haven't (getting a bit worse actually!) so I'm going to give it another shot So before I go I wanted to mention some of the problems I had that slowed my progress the last time, and see if anyone has any advice. As always, I am really sorry if I offend anyone with what I say, I just feel the way I feel, and I can't help it. Trust me, I feel horrible about it. 1) I'm always afraid of offending the therapist or anyone else (pretty much what I just wrote above). I prefer to go to counselling offered by lgbt organisations because I feel like they're more used to this stuff than normal therapists. Problem is, I don't say exactly how I feel because I'm so afraid the therapist might be gay and hate me for saying something along the lines of "I'd actually rather be dead than be gay". I don't know why I feel that way, I'm just having some real problems with my sexuality. It's actually a reason I can never go to like a lgbt support group or event. Like seriously, what proud-to-be-gay guy is ever going to want to be friends with someone that hates them self so much, for simply being gay. (That, and I don't really fit in) 2) I leave out all the dark shit. The first time (and most likely this next time), I was too ashamed to tell the therapist that I spend most days thinking about killing myself. I'm also too afraid that they will panic and have me committed for just having thoughts about doing it. I've always said I don't really need to talk about it because I know I'll never do it (because of family). But there is some days I'm actually a little afraid at how easy it could be and how every other worry would just be gone. I do have a general feeling and acceptance that i will do it some day, as I just don't think I will ever be ok with who I am. So yeah, I kind of probably should talk to someone about it, but I just can't. 3) The third bit is sort of linked to the first 2. And again please know that I know how messed up I am and how horrible this is. But there is something else I need to talk about but don't think I could bring it up with a therapist in a lgbt organisation. In the last few months I have come across a place nearby that practices conversion therapy. I know all the stories and I know how many lives it has damaged. And I know there are lots of people on here that are desperately trying to get out of organisations like this. But I just can't get it out of my head. Like there is a chance that maybe it could actually work for once. I know it won't, but what if for once it did? (I want to delete this bit out, but I'm going to leave it and post, because it might be my only chance to get it off my chest. Sorry for the insensitive post) Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts, it would be great to hear them
hey!im in the same boat as you so I cant really give you any big advice on this...I have started to go to theraphy and I think to some extent its working...being gay and trying to fight it is just like trying to put out a fire with gasoline...I told my therapist how shit I felt to be gay and that I was hiding all the time and felt isolated but I would rather be like that than work to accept it as hiding had been the way I had always handled it and I was "used" to that type of pain. she said something that make me rethink : "how has that way of handling it worked for you?"...answer is it had made me feel very anxious and depressed. after that, I have been to 5 sessions and I in just that time I have come out to my mom, gone to a support group for LGBT and im thinking about going to an event. I can only tell you that I feel the same way, I felt that it wasn't appropriate for me to go to a support group if I had so much hate but it turned out really nice I felt less isolated as there were more people going through the same issues and I could get some advice... its a very long journey and I am just at the beginning but I am just taking one day at a time and trying to make myself a priority (not only with regards to my sexuality but also doing exercise, having fun...etc.) I wish you well, take care of yourself and think that you and me will come stronger from the other side!
Hey CL1990, Congrats on going to the support group. I know how tough it must have been to build up the courage. I completely agree with you about trying to fight it. Some days, although I have some lingering darker thoughts, I can get in the mindset where I sort of know I need to cop myself on and get over it, that I'm needlessl causing myself to suffer. Them days are usually the days when I write on here, or like today, contact a therapist. But most days I just fall to pieces and really struggle to see any hope (but never mind that!). I'm so happy you had a good experience with the support group. I feel like it would be a very beneficial thing if you're there with similar people. I would just be terrified I would say something wrong. Thanks again for getting back to me. Best of luck with everything
honestly in the support group I was actually with people that were so different to me (appearance, background etc) but that is what was in a way good, the fact that even being so different I was able to relate to them much more than with most of my friends in the real world...I feel its sad, I feel I have to somehow fit in a community that I haven't choosen to take part in but its just what it is... I would suggest you try out hobbies and get yourself out of your house..i find that during weekends I have to go running, swimming etc to improve my mental state as in my room I get trapped on my own thoughts and it just makes it worst. I have to beat up my worst enemy that lives in my head!
This is something that you can work with a therapist. The first time that you go to them, print this out and give it to them. Before you work on anything else, you can start here. Work on being able to tell your therapist the truth and trusting that your therapist is a professional who has spent years training to handle anything and everything you throw at them. Therapy will not work until you are able to be truthful with your feelings. A surprising amount, actually. The grand majority of LGBT have been there. We have all hated ourselves at one point. Many of us have tried to commit suicide over it. We have been you in the past. Most people will act supportive. They will try to be the person that they needed when they used to hate themselves. Its one of the reasons why out gay people still hang out on Empty Closets. Shockingly, people who are out and okay with themselves want to make sure other people don't go through what we went through alone I hear you. It makes sense. Being gay can feel overwhelming, so it makes sense that you are desperate for an outlet. But there are better outlets out there. I do highly suggest you start talking to your therapist about the fear that you have of offending them and not being able to speak your mind. If you are able to have that conversation then all your other problems will become easier to work with.
I agree completely with Smurf. The role of a therapist is to be a completely nonjudgmental advocate for his or her client. As I say, you should be able to tell your therapist that you enjoy sex with hammers, rodents, and rope, and have them respond with a completely supportive facial expression and "That sounds like it's fulfilling for you." response. And well-trained therapists really *don't* judge their clients. What I hear you saying, in so many words is, "I don't have the right to exist". Look at this post you made. Before you're even saying anything, you're apologizing for what you feel/think: You absolutely should not feel horrible about what you feel. This is your life, your lived experience, and you have a complete right to feel about it any way you want. Additionally, nothing you've said is remotely objectionable. Even the part about conversion therapy. I bet a large portion of EC members have desperately considered (or even tried) conversion therapy because their self-hatred (fueled by judgment from parents, friends, media, religion, school or whatever) was so great they felt there was no other option. But... as you stated, it is often extremely damaging, it never works, and it's not going to help you in any way. The key is first understanding that you are who you are. And who you're attracted to won't change. What can change is your understanding of, acceptance for, and love for yourself. And that's where a good therapist comes in. Quite frankly, there's no difference whatsoever in whether or not a therapist, him or herself, is LGBT. Coming out issues are one of the most common reasons people go to therapy (even, sometimes, when they don't know that's why they're going) and any therapist educated in the past 15 or 20 years (unless they went to a crazy Christian program) got training about that in school. My therapist, at the time I was coming out, was straight, and had no direct prior experience in working with LGBT clients at the time I was seeing her... but she was amazing. My current therapist is straight, but she is also extremely well versed in LGBT issues. And, by contrast, I've met a bunch of LGBT therapists that I'd never refer anyone to, because they clearly have pretty severe issues they haven't worked through. (The same, by the way, is true for straight therapists... there are a lot of screwed up people in the field.) So it's really important that you start to work through the inability to ask for what you need. And that starts with, as Smurf suggested, being authentic with your therapist. You should be able to throw everything at him or her, and s/he should be able to take it. Anything you keep from your therapist, particularly anything as important as suicidal ideation, is going to make your therapy virtually worthless. S/he can't help you if you won't be open about what's going on, because s/he won't be able to understand what's going on in your head. As far as fears of the therapist committing you because you're suicidal... first, therapy is a two-way process. The therapist is obligated to take action only if s/he believes there is an immediate, imminent danger of harm to self or others. If therapists committed every client that self-reported they'd considered suicide... they'd be committing 3/4 of their client population. Now... if you are seriously considering doing so, have a plan, and a means to carry it out, and a specific time frame... then you NEED someone to help you, because you're looking at a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But that's not what I hear you saying. I hear you saying you've thought about it, considered how easy it would be, and it may happen some day. That's completely different and does not meet the requirement for mandatory reporting. The very act of talking about it here is a great first step. If you can tell this community about it, you can also share it with your therapist. I know it's a lot scarier to do so in person than on a message board... but I know that if you start the process, you'll find it gets a lot easier as you continue. All of what you've described is pretty common. All of it is solved with good therapy. It will take time, and work, and some difficulty. But I am confident you can get through it. One last suggestion: I'd encourage you to take about an hour and watch Brené Brown's three TED talks: The Power of Vulnerability, The Price of Invulnerability and Listening to Shame. All of these are really powerful and go to some of the core issues I suspect you're dealing with. If these resonate with you, I'd read 'The Gifts of Imperfection" (also by Brené). I think these will really help you understand yourself better, and make it easier to tackle some of the difficult feelings you have in therapy.
Hi again, Thanks CL1990, again that settles me a little about the whole idea. Hi Smurf, The first time I went to a counselor, I was nearing a complete panic attack just going into the building. It got worse when he asked me why I decided to come and see him. The thoughts of handing a piece of paper to the next therapist straight away, that has some of my biggest fears is terrifying to me. I know you're right, but I'm not sure if I could trust them that quick? I hadn't really thought about that, thanks. I don't really know what though. The way I see it, it's either accept it or don't. I really don't think the first is going to happen, so it leaves me with not accepting it. And I've only been struggling for a few years. I can't go the rest of my life the way things are now. (forgetting the fact things are getting progressively worse) Hi Chip, I know I shouldn't, but it's like by me having such a problem with it, is implying that I think there is something wrong with it. I don't though! I know it's ok to be gay. But for some reason I don't believe myself. ....Sorry, I really have no idea what I'm saying here!! I just don't get what I'm so afraid of. Ha, I really do need to see someone.
