Does anyone else ever feel really disconnected from people? Able to get to know them on a surface level, but not able to form any sort of deeper connection? This is something I've been living with for a long time. I used to think it was caused by being in the closet, but I'm totally out now and I've dealt with a lot of those issues. But still, I feel like I'm always on the outside looking in. I've talked about this with two different psychologists, but maybe not the right way or the right ones. Every time I hang out with people, I see them interact with others in such an easy, familiar way--banter, physical contact, etc.--that I get super depressed because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to participate. It's as if I speak a different language from everyone else. And everyone seems to notice this awkwardness and ask me if I'm unhappy or annoyed with them, which only adds to the depression. I often put myself out there because I've been told you just have to face it head on, and I have gotten better at surface-level chatting and such, but I'm still the quiet one in groups. I'm still the one who can't respond to humor with more than an awkward smile or laugh. From time to time I get depressed and lonely, and I post this kind of thing, usually in a slightly different way, hoping that someone will understand me. It's getting worse because, now that I am able to date, I'm afraid I will always be too reserved to meet and really connect with someone. This problem just won't go away. School's out and I'm spending too much time alone, I guess. :icon_redf
Yes! Everything you've described sounds so familiar, except I don't get depressed and that's probably down to our different personalities. I'm not sure what it is that makes it worse for you but it's probably related to confidence. I'm not overly confident but I honestly don't care what most people think about me. How's your confidence? Maybe working on that would help you survive these situations. Do you do any activities that make you feel good? That have some sort of feeling of achievement? I find those always give me a boost. Learning something new can also make you feel good. Unicycling? As for those situations specifically, can you identify one particular person who you'd like to talk to? Whether it's someone who's also quiet or a more gregarious person? Maybe finding one person at a time to engage with will help you become more at ease. I'm still not great in groups but one-on-one is not a problem. I think meetups are great. Find one for an activity you enjoy or would like to learn; you have a built-in common interest and that always helps make conversations easier. Lgbt or not, you just want to get out and be with people. They're actually pretty nice. What do you think?
Hi Really. My self confidence is admittedly not that great, although it's improved a bit lately. I like to swim and I have a few other hobbies as well, so I've already taken that advice. As for choosing one particular person in a group to talk to, I've heard that advice, and it is good, but it doesn't help me get past this deeper barrier. It's really hard to describe, but I'm glad you know what I mean. Even when I can manage to get along with someone on a surface level, I often feel like I'm just putting on a performance instead of really enjoying it and doing it naturally. Unfortunately I thought learning not to care so much about what others think of me was the answer. But if that's not the issue for you, maybe it's not for me either?
I think getting past the superficial stuff takes time. You have to get to know people for longer. My people skills aren't great and I do a lot of second guessing before I say some things. I've tried to adopt a practice of just pretending I'm just like everyone else and saying what comes to mind. Some stuff goes over like a lead balloon but you know what? Let it. I need to be me and make friends with people who like me the way I am. I can't act one way or the other forever. I may not be the best conversationalist but that doesn't mean I'm not a nice person. People will figure it out. For you, too.
Grounded Eagle, You are certainly not the only one (as all the other posts imply). I am an introvert with social anxiety. It takes me a while to be "comfortable" with a person, but everything always feels so superficial. And I never am sure of the social etiquette used now. I'm a bit old fashioned about that sort of thing. I can never connect to people the way I want to on a deeper level. It is very much like speaking a different language! I find myself getting depressed and lonely as well, because there is no one who can relate to me intellectually/emotionally. I am not much into social media, or texting, so people automatically cut me off because I can't participate in their "shallow" lives 24/7 (no offense, this is just my take on things. I refer to it as shallow because a pet peeve of mine is when people are constantly checking their phones while I am speaking. They'll nod or say "uh huh" and I know they aren't listening!) Anyway, the long and the short of it is yes, I do feel disconnected from others in daily life. That is why I love this forum so much. :icon_wink Sebby45
If I'm reading it right, I feel the same way. Like when I out with a group of friends from school, it often feels like I'm a part of the group, but at the same time not part of the group. I have a decent time, but I feel like it should feel.....better somehow. I feel like I want to be madly, yet strictly platonically, in love, if that makes sense. It doesn't really matter the amount of effort I put in or the people, it always feels painfully surface level.
HM03, exactly what I mean. Plus I'll repeat what I said before. It feels like I'm performing, like I've forgotten what makes me me, and I end up saying certain things and laughing at certain moments purely because I feel like it's expected, not because those things genuinely come from me. I know most people probably do this on some level in the early stages of an acquaintance, but I never seem to move beyond it. People say to just be myself, but when I'm around other people, it's like I don't have a very clear idea of who I am anymore. I'm not particularly funny or charming. Or well-spoken. I am someone who listens and observes a lot, but when I try to make friends I feel pressured to be someone and come up with things to say, and I lose myself in the process. If I don't make the effort, though, people get the wrong impression about me and don't bother trying to get to know me. I have one or two friends who understand how I work, but lately there's been a distance growing between us and I'm starting to get really depressed and lonely.
You should hang out with a group of people who you dont feel the need to impress or have more in common with. In high school youre sort of forced to make friends with the same group of people because theres nobody else to really reach out to. I used to be really shy and then I decided I didnt care if somebody didnt like me. I just tried to treat everyone nicely in school. You dont always have to laugh with everyone else or joke. Find people who like the same passions as you. The thing that makes the light in your eyes spark when you talk about it. I guarantee that when you find people with the same passions whether it be drawing, comics, pokemon, or sports you wont feel like you need to try so hard around people. Besides the nice part about when youre in college or working in the real world you get to choose better people to be around. Your friend group should build you up and make you feel better. Not make you self conscious.
I feel really similar with the "friends" I have now, so I tend not to spend much time with them and we've drifted off over time. I'm conflicted about dropping them though, because once I do that, I definitely won't have anyone to spend time with. I wish I had genuine friends, it's probably why I spend so much time online. I also have social anxiety, but I think I've gotten better at socializing. It's very difficult to find people who have the same interests as me, though.
