I'm gonna try to make this as short and as clear as possible, tho my mind is a mess right now and I don't know how to express my feelings. So, I'm a female, 16 years old now, but doubts and insecurities about my sexuality have always terrified me, anyways, I kept all this to myself, trying to avoid thinking about it. But if I keep on avoiding this I might explode, I literally spend whole nights thinking about this, about myself, crying, asking myself one only question: why? why me?. Why can't I just be normal, like everyone else, just comfortable with their bodies and their feelings towards people. I have no idea or knowledge about the LGBT community, just the basic stuff, so I'm not even able to call myself 'bisexual' or 'questioning'. I'm just lost, so so sad, terrified. I've seen thousands of coming out videos in the past few days, in all of them people say this doubts are normal, that everything will eventually be fine, but right now, I'm so sad, and this insecurities make me afraid. Plus, I don't know how to use this website, I just came desperately looking for help, or for someone to talk to, someone that may listen or at least understand me on this. So, if I'm using the web page incorrectly or if I'm not posting this on the right place, please accept my apologies and let me know where should I post this. Thank you so much for taking the time to read. -Juli
Juli, I'm so glad that you came here. I do think that this is the right place, and you will find much compassion and support here. It sounds like you have a sense of fear that you are different, and it will make your life harder than it would have been if you were straight. I also sense that you're dreading the amount of work it's going to take to sort through this. The things you wrote remind me of myself years ago. You may be grieving a loss in a way. You might have pictured yourself in a typical marriage someday with kids, or having your wedding day with all the social support that implies. With acknowledging to yourself that you are not straight, it brings into question whether you can accept being different and to what extent you are willing to be treated differently if you are open. It may also be a struggle of faith if you believe in God. My only advice is to go slow, and be very loving toward yourself. You don't have to figure out your sexuality right away, but perhaps evaluate what you like to fantasize about, how you have crushes, and (literally) what comes to mind when you masturbate. These may give you an indication of your sexual orientation. If you already know or strongly suspect that you are lesbian, it might be time to think about what this means to you and what you need for yourself right now. Do you need a friend to talk to, besides the online community you have in us? Do you need to be held and comforted? Do you need to explore sex with another female and see if it feels right? Or do you simply need to acknowledge to yourself that you are lesbian (or bi, or whatever you determine) and let yourself just be with it for a while? You could go through a period of depression. Please try to get sleep, eat well, avoid alcohol and drugs, and make a promise to yourself and to us that you will not harm yourself if you feel at risk. This will probably feel pretty bad or possibly worse before it gets better. But in my opinion if you allow these feelings now, you will avoid a larger problem of facing them in the future. I would not recommend telling your family at this time especially if you suspect that they may not understand you or support you emotionally and financially. Even if your family would be supportive I would not recommend telling them so that you have time to be absolutely certain first. You must be very cautious to protect yourself until you are ready to come out. Meanwhile I would recommend continuing to post here and get our help, and if you feel that you have a very trustworthy friend consider talking with them. You might simply ask for their support and not even commit to identifying your sexual orientation as anything but "questioning". Please have faith that you are still the same wonderful person at heart regardless of how you have sex or feel romantic closeness. In time you will sort this out, and perhaps you will decide to "come out" to others after that. Or you may not go this route, but one way or another you are making a wise and empowering choice to be honest with yourself and find your own path. This will take courage. You'll get more responses after mine, and we're all here to help. You can also post in the various forums here (listed by topic area), and all of them exist in a spirit of compassion and helpfulness. We're here for you and you belong. *warm, long hug* Patrick Seattle, WA ---------- Post added 21st Dec 2016 at 10:00 PM ---------- Juli, As you ask these questions of yourself it may be good to have additional local support. Most cities have a local resource center for this purpose. I've done a quick search and I've located what appears to be a support resource for LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning) people in Argentina, and they may be located in Buenos Aires. I hope that this might be a local resource for you, or would lead you to a local resource: FALGBT | Federación Argentina Lesbianas, Gays, Bisexuales y Trans If you don't have privacy at home and don't want to leave this organization in your web browser history, you can call them or email them at: 011-4331-1237 [email protected] I apologize that since this site is in Spanish I don't know exactly what resources they're offering, but it looks like something that would be useful. Love, Patrick
Patrick, Well first of all, thanks for answering so quickly and for saying all those nice words to me, it really means a lot. And, OMG, yes! Everything you said totally fits my feelings right now, especially when you say “You may be grieving a loss in a way…”, because I really feel that admitting that I’m lesbian or bisexual will change everything, like, it’s so hard for me to even think about it or write about it, I cannot even say it out loud. I feel as if every plan I have in my life will change if I ever admit to myself (or to others) how I really feel (about my sexual orientation, of course). I don’t know if I’m explaining myself, I see it as a ‘point of no return’, like, the moment where you say it “Okay, I may be lesbian” or “I may be bisexual”, there’s no turning back, your life changes, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to reach that point, I’m so scared of that “change”. Well, when it comes to God, I’m an atheist so that’s not really an issue; I guess my biggest fear or limit is myself. I’ll try to go slow, but I’m just so anxious, I literally end up crying every night because I don’t know what is occurring to me, I just want answers, or something that makes me feel relieved, like someone to tell me what I want to hear, I don’t know if any of this things I’m saying makes sense, I’m so sorry. Oh, and about my sexual orientation, well, I’m obviously confused but it’s not like I ever had a crush on a woman, I haven’t even had a crush on men although I’m almost 17 years old, I mean, of course I like some people, but what I mean is that I’ve never been in love or in a relationship. But I’ve always felt weird, the times I kissed men it actually felt empty, but all those times it was in parties and stuff, so, I don’t know if it felt empty because I barely knew the guy I was kissing, or if it felt empty because it’s not what I like. I never quite fantasized with any particular woman but I definitely feel an attraction to them, I get uncomfortable with my friends when we are changing our clothes for parties and stuff, but not because I like THEM, but mostly because of their bodies, so yeah, I guess I feel an attraction to women. But as I said, I’m too lost to even reach to a conclusion, or maybe I already know the answers but I’m too afraid to admit them. I don’t know. About family, actually only two people in the world know about these doubts I have: you and my sister. I told my sister about three weeks ago, when I was literally about to explode, I couldn’t bare it anymore, I need it to talk to someone. I’m so thankful I did because we ended up talking during 3 hours, crying and hugging ourselves. She told me to be loyal to myself and adviced me not to fight this feelings, because they were a part of me. However, my sister studies and lives in another city, so she comes to visit us like once a month, I’m really glad I told her anyways, but it’s really sad to know that the only person I truly trust it’s not available 24/7. That’s why I’m so thankful with you, I know we’ve only exchanged messages once, but your words really made me feel understood and gave me the feeling that I matter and that this is okay and that I should be okay as well. Thank you again. I know this will take time, and as you said, it’ll take courage. This is not something I’ll accept in just a week, but I’m starting to try to be honest with myself, my feelings. I’ve been keeping this for a long long time and its done no good. I’m so glad I found this place, I spent some good time reading the forums and the coming out stories. I’ve searched for that Argentinian page you linked me before coming here, I actually e-mailed them, but their response never came, maybe they receive too many messages, or I don’t know, anyways, I’ll try again later. The service this Argentinian organization offers is rather organizing parades and stuff, but I’ll try to do some more research. Thanks for being so kind and for searching the page for me. Also, I’ll try to take care of myself and to always be positive, it’s been really hard lately since I’m literally fighting with myself, my insecurities and my fear of not being accepted. But you have clearly made things better by that message and I hope you know it! Lots of love, -Juli
Juli, I'm so glad that I was able to provide some guidance and comfort. Exactly what I wanted. And I know that you're far away, but please know that you are part of a community that cares about you and welcomes you. It sounds like this is the first time you're dealing with something on this scale too. As you go through life you'll also be challenged with other decisions that have no "right or wrong answer" - but rather the course of action that's best for you can only be found by listening to your heart. You'll get better at listening to your heart as you gain experience. I think you're already doing well by not suppressing these feelings as challenging as they are.. I am so glad that your sister is supportive. That alone makes you stronger and more capable of feeling the love that you need right now. It's clearly a gift that she can be there for you. As odd as this might sound, it might help to ask yourself what you would need if you were your own friend. Take good care of yourself please and as you feel better you may find that you can hear what your heart wants. I think the answer is in there now and you just need to find the peace you need to hear it. A brief thought about your experiences. If I were to kiss a stranger at a party I don't think I would feel much. That emotional connection wouldn't quite be there, and unless there was a sexual experience going on already I don't think a kiss from a stranger would ignite that spark. In your case I think the experiences so far don't tell you a lot. When the time is right and you feel ready, I think experimentation with sex might be good. But of course that's a big step and you may fear it right now. Have a great holiday, please love yourself at this time, and appreciate the courage you are already demonstrating! You are stronger than you probably know. Please write about your journey and keep us posted! *more warm hugs* Patrick Seattle, WA
