I know it sounds daft and a rather odd issue but I really can't accept myself and therefore can't accept when a guy likes me. Quick back facts are that I have depression and anxiety and that combination makes my life hard,but I haven't fully come out yet because it was only three years ago I accepted the fact I'm gay, and mind you I'm 28 now. I went through rough years,had no friends and low esteem and never was in a relationship. I got past the rough years, then this happened and I just can't face being alone again and having no friends which is why I haven't told them or my family...its my own fear is all. When I accepted who I am, I forced myself out my black swirl and hook up with anyone who wanted me. In doing so I got my experience and while I thought it would rise my esteem,it really didn't. Anyway, I'm at a point where I dont slut myself out basically because that's not what will help me at all. I now find that there are guys who want to go on a date with me and in addition keep in touch. To me these guys are hot, and I look at them and can't understand why they like me...and I look at others and see people with the same quizzical look on their faces. I want to be a relationship but I can't even accept they like me. I get very body conscious then when things move on and so I'm focusing on keeping my stomach sucked in,my actions doing well,not putting much body weight on them...it's a mind muzzle all at once. How do you get yourself to accept who you are and that believe it or not,the attractive, tall, fit guy you always wanted is actually wanting you back and rather than embrace it like anyone else would,you push it away??...which in turn pushes me back into my spiral...I'm at a loss and if I go back to cutting myself, that's more on my mind of keeping hidden and I can't handle that.. Should I just stick to how I figured my life was going and stay single and alone? It seems easier albeit less happier...?? Anyone else been like this?
It's neither daft nor odd. As they say, you can't love others until you love yourself, and the journey when you're not cis or your not straight or both can be very hard. My partner and I had a really bumpy start to our relationship because at the same time as I was wrestling with my feelings of being trans, I was also wrestling with my feelings for her. So I'd go in and out of denial, and was simultaneously indecisive over whether I loved her or not. She had most of her meltdowns off-camera, but for her it was a long and very painful experience. We both understood why I was behaving so erratically, but it didn't make it any easier to solve. We continued to talk and talk and talk and talk, every day and often until two in the morning. She was unreasonably patient and supported me a lot in my questioning and learning how to deal with who I discovered I was. But the clincher was accepting that she loved me. She said to me that she accepted me regardless of whether I identified as a man or a woman, and it was only when I could accept that she genuinely meant this and that she really did love me unconditionally that I could accept that I loved her too. For me, accepting that she loved me and I loved her wasn't even the end, it was simply the start of the next section of the rollercoaster. I know I'm damned lucky I was able to have a friend and then a partner to help me deal with my feelings. I'm not saying all of this will necessarily be the answer for you - in some ways it seems like your situation is the reverse of mine - but I hope it shows you that you're definitely not alone. (*hug*)
