Okay, I wasn't entirely sure what category to put this under, and I've deleted and rewrote this post at least ten times by now, but I think I will go through with it. I've developed a rather strong attachment to a fairly close friend of mine over the past year which progressed to intense romantic feelings for him. I used to generally not be the type to invest much in relationships that were not with my closest of friends, but since the end of winter last year, I've been really making an effort to get to know the friend, and we have definitely gotten much closer in the process. Of course, I was never really sure where his romantic interests were and never inquired about that for fear of what he'd say. (To this day I do not even definitively know his sexual orientation.) Now, at this point you're probably wondering what went wrong, because let's face it, this isn't where people tend to post grand tales of successful and loving relationships. Fast forward a few months and you have one of the worst days of my life. The school day itself was fairly mundane and typical, but starting with the concert immediately following it, things devolved fairly quickly. Despite weeks of practice, I completely botched the performance, and made a fool of myself in front of the audience and on camera (no need to get into specifics). Following that incident was the release of my trimester grades to myself and to my parents. Typically a fair and possibly even strong student in the majority of my classes, the grade I received for a particular class, in what used to be my best subject, was, if not unexpected, completely devastating, especially when combined with my mother's reaction to it (divorced parents, if you were wondering). I've been struggling with social anxiety and depression throughout the year leading up to that day, so the concert and the grades really did a number on my mental and emotional state. That night, still basking in the feelings evoked earlier that day, and the lack of support from my mother, I sent the following message to the friend (paraphrased with the names removed): "I'm so sorry. Truly, I am. I should never have done any of this. It wasn't fair to you at all. I've been selfish and deceptive and you don't deserve any of it. I'm not an oasis (wrt a conversation we were having earlier). I never will be. I led you to believe I'm something I am not. I let you associate with me, even become my friend, if you would say so, when I should have kept my distance as early as last Spring. I am in love with you, and that is the most terrible thing I could possibly offer you. I know it is not your birthday yet, but I will give you the best gift I possibly could right now: a life without me in it. I only wish I'd done so sooner for your sake. I've been thinking of ways to minimize your pain, if there even will be any, and though it would have been better if I'd done this sooner, this is the optimal solution now. After all, what is left but the lesser of two evils? I suppose I can end this as I always do and never will again. Sleep well." I suppose the immediate reaction after reading something like that is concern, which he certainly expressed, along with my friends after I showed them that. But in the midst of reassuring me that he did in fact enjoy and want to be my friend, no acknowledgement was made about the fact that I both was gay (something he did not know) and that I love him. Following that day we had fairly normal virtual conversations over the weekend, but I tended to avoid him in school. We don't have classes together and only share a couple of common free periods, but we used to always find ways to bump into each other between classes. However, during the week following that exchange, I made sure to minimize those moments as much as I possibly could, and when they did happen they were wrought with awkwardness. Staying true to what I wrote, I gave him all the space he needed and ceased to be the initiator of contact (as I had been doing most of the time). A couple weeks passed and things started to feel more normal between us, both in person and virtually. However, our frequency of conversation was nowhere near what it used to be as I restrained myself from investing any more than he was willing to. I never stopped thinking about him, though, a condition which was only made more severe by the fact that I've come to associate so much of what I love with him. Some of the things that remind me of him include this webcomic that we follow , an entire fashion style (unbuttoned flannel shirt over a short sleeve tee-shirt and jeans) that is fairly emblematic of him, a restaurant, hot chocolate (one of my favorite things to drink, especially at this time of year), various bands and songs, ultimate frisbee, coding (a field I may very well major in), and so on. His touch on my life is inescapable and irrevocable. Now, while I've mostly come to terms with the state of our relationship at the moment, as it is everything that he wants and nothing that he doesn't want, I haven't gotten over him. On the contrary, the lessened contact has only made my feelings for him more pronounced. Just yesterday, we went ice skating with a bunch of mutual friends and it was one of the most enjoyable experiences of this year and in my life, but what happened between us loomed on me, along with my unmitigated and persistent love for him. I had a discussion with a different friend about the excessive use of the word love in today's youth, and how its meaning has been lost in most of its modern applications, but I stand by my use of that word. I do love him, and I do not see that changing in the foreseeable future. But despite the fact that I essentially rejected myself for him, if he were going to act on some feelings he might have felt for me, he likely would have done so by now. Any love I feel is certainly unrequited. Many of the more experienced members of this site might see this as nothing more than the whims of a high school student naive in the ways of the world. Perhaps that is the case; perhaps that is in fact what I am so desperately clinging to: a fantasy of what could have been. Many will look at this and offer suggestions about how I should go about moving on with our relationship and with my life. I definitely have more tangible and more immediate concerns to consider. I suppose I don't know of any underlying question I was trying to get at. Thank you, whoever took the time to read through all of that. I'm sorry if it wasn't worth your while.
No, not at all, and it doesn't change with age either. Many of us do it; perhaps most of us have. I am assuming he is your first real love. If he is, I can tell you almost assuredly, as it has been my experience, that you won't ever forget him, even though your love for him was unrequited. But perhaps in time, your feelings for him can moderate and you will remain good friends for a long time. Sometimes that is not possible; the pain is too great, but it can sometimes happen. I wish you well.
