It's been a while since I posted. The last time I was on EC, I was struggling with depression (I still am) and on the verge of attempting suicide. That was three months ago. Everything that built up to my breakdown left me disillusioned and disenchanted. I've lost interest in everything that I was once passionate about. I write sporadically, I have given up on programming and I've been sleeping too little or way too much. I feel like I've been stagnating... Sometimes I regret not killing myself back then. It's a terrible thought, I understand. But that isn't enough from stopping me from feeling that way. One of the arguments that I once found against suicide was that I wouldn't be able to exoerience all the wonderful things that were gonna happen to me. Nothing wonderful has happened. I haven't come any closer to understand my orientation or gender. I've become emotionally numb. I'm either struggling with depression or being entirely numb and apathetic. I'm stuck, I've tried writing, music, socializing but nothing has helped.
mychemromance99, Feeling stagnated, numb, and apathetic are all parts of your depression. Along with the sleeping too much/too little. All are classic symptoms. To be blunt: You need professional help, NOW. If you let this continue, your mind is going to manipulate you into thinking more and more about suicide as your only "option." When nothing you try can give you any pleasure, or give you any interest, you are at your most vulnerable. Please, if you are feeling unsafe, just going to your local hospital/ER for help is a great step. Later, you can find a therapist to help you through depressive episodes. But right now, I think you need some immediate attention. Any recurring thoughts of suicide are not to be taken lightly. Wishing you better days, Sebby45
Thank you for replying, Sebby. I cannot approach a therapist on my own. I live in a country where parents scrutinize evry action of their children, I cannot let them know of this. They would agree to take me to a psychiatrist, but they would ask for a reason. I am not out to them, and I don't intend to come out to them anytime soon. Moreover, there have been incidents of LGBT+ individuals being subjected to electric shocks/illegal drugs etc. by their shrinks.
