Well as you can see... I hate myself. I hate the way I see myself and the way I think of myself.. 'NewYears resolution? Be more positive to myself.' Now I know thats not going to happen this year because ive been trying for years. I hate the way i talk, the way i walk, the way i move, the clothing i wear and everything.. my body image especially.. i tell myself im fat and ugly but people tend to say im slim and goodlooking.. and here im still thinking that they're trash talking about me in their head . I look at the negatives and cant even take a compliment without thinking negative or not believing the words that come out their mouths... how in the world can i turn this off like..... im dying inside. Ive started to push friends away for these same reasons and it sucks i dont want to but i am doing it anyway.. i wanna have someone to talk to but at the same i want no one.. fs and then theres times where I wish i was dead.. cutting has become an alternative to suicide as I try to feel the pain inside me by trying to make it physical.. to feel as if i released some of the pain.. :help: More of a rant than anything Im assuming but id like to see if you wonderful people have some suggestions I could try do to get myself back on track with life.. Basically? My social life is dead because of me pushing everyone away and shutting everyone out, including family since Im not out to them at all.. ive started to think lying to my family about my life has been throwing me off but im unsure.. they're great people and they have no clue of my depression and all these emotions I have on a daily basis because im such a great actor.. if only they knew but its such a hard thing to do.
Hi Wished, I know what it is like dislike yourself. I know it isn't exactly the same as cutting, but over the years I developed the habit of picking my skin until it bled, in part due to the fact that I did not have a good self esteem. One thing I have been learning is the ability to have compassion for oneself. You are going through a very hard time and it is a great step that you took to even post on here. I know it may be difficult, but I think you should tell your family. They need to know so that they can give you/ help you find the support you need (which may include professional help). In the meantime we are all here to led an ear.
Thank you for your response Confusedmoose. I have been trying to blurt out those words to them for the past 6 years.. this year being the most but I just cant seem to tell them. Just the thought of them seeing me differently just terrifies me, yet I know they will love me all the same. But the most help ill get out of them is probably making me go to church 3 times a week. One thing that has changed about me is that ive also become incredibly shy for some reason.. and this just started 2 weeks ago.. i had no problem socializing and meeting new people but i just cant talk to them anymore.
I was so scared my dad would see me differently, but our relationship didn't change in the slightest. Sometimes we mislabel growth as change too. If you don't get the help you think you need from your family, could you make an appointment with your family doctor and talk to them? Do you think that there is a connection between your shyness and a decreased lack of self-esteem over the last few weeks? Maybe you are isolating yourself as a result.
Hey, First of all, I think it's great that you made this post as it's definetly a step in the right direction. I can really relate to your feelings. I used to hate myself and have dealt with depression and self harm before. I think you should really consider getting professional help or at least talking to someone you can really trust about this first, doesn't have to be family, as this will help (at least it helped me) and they could also help you get professional help and give you the support you need. I understand that it takes alot of courage to tell someone about it but if I was able to do it, you can do it too! I know you can get better!!
It seems to me you have reached a turning point, and the way you feel right now is a consequence of a process you might have not been aware of. You need to monitor yourself very carefully from now on. What are you really feeling and thinking? Is there any anger against a world that doesn't seem to 'get you'? Are your expectations reasonable? Does everyone look the same to you? Could a change of scenery, even for a couple of days, or a week, do you some good? Either something has changed on your life, or you are becoming more aware of your own circumstances, or... You might be ill, and this mood you are right now stuck in is just a warning sign your own body is giving you... Whatever it is, I think you should focus on trying to find out what is going on inside your head, before blaming the whole world (not saying it is a paradise either, but not all human beings are so hopeless as it might seem... Just 99% of them if you wish...) Anyone you could talk to IRL?
The world is not to blame.. I know that. I dont have any anger with it either.. its all me. I feel negative, being judged on every move, feeling like eyes are on me waiting to see me fail and be reminded of it.. and yes everyone looks the same in my eyes&mind.. in my mind.. they all dont like me.. and i shouldnt waste space.... i usually talk with my best friend about these things.. and this is my support right now It has helped saved time from doing the worst. But i honestly dont know how long. Ive spoken to professionals and i cant open my mouth and pour out. My mind goes blank and dont think to move... Thankyou by the way.. you all are great and appreciate the things you have to say
The truth of the matter is that you can never really know what people are thinking. It isn't good to mind-read. I'm 100% sure that not everyone wants to see you fail or hates you. This may sound silly, but have you tried writing a letter to give to a professional so that you can get out what you want to say? I know it helps me sometimes to do that.
Hi Wished:smilewave I haven't read the other responses yet, so I may duplicate what they have said. I wanted to respond to the parts I quoted above. When I was 13-15 I was struggling within myself over my sexuality and upbringing. I went through everything you posted including cutting. I spent six months in a pysch ward because I stopped eating completely. I was 5'8 and got down to 76lbs nearly dead before my mom noticed something was wrong. In counseling, we never addressed my issue of sexuality because I was still to afraid to bring it up. But the counseling helped me get to a better place emotionally. By the time I was released, I understood it didn't matter what anyone else thought of me even if it all was true. You have got to get to that point to feel better. No one can get you there but you. There's a name for the process but basically it is just inner acceptance. You acknowledge all the bad thoughts and then release them. They don't matter. If it is something you cannot accept about yourself, you work on changing it. There are plenty of books and videos that help, if you can do it on your own. If you don't think you can do it, can you find a counselor in your area? If not, think about checking yourself in to a pysch hospital. You check in and check out when you feel ready. I know it took me about a month before I started opening up to the counselors. I would go to session and sit there for an hour nothing said. But you have to make a conscious effort to start the process of healing. Get the F**k it attitude and love yourself anyways.
