Severing Relationship with Friend (?) for his Sake

Hello, everyone. My last post here was quite disorganized and as a result did not receive many responses. This is my attempt to refine it a bit more and hone it down to a more direct question. I suppose the best place to start would be to say I love a boy from my high school. (As someone who is particularly interested in the use of language, I've given much thought to the merits of using the word "love" in that context, and even had a thorough discussion with my friends about the distinctions between infatuation, passion, and love.) I've known him for the better part of two years, and we've become fairly close over the course of last year. My romantic interest was, of course, a motivating factor in building that relationship with him, but I also hold his friendship in high esteem. A few weeks ago, I experienced the culmination of academic underperformance, social strain, and familial tension, all of which resulted in, among other things, my sending him a message at night. The message touched on a few things, one of which was my feelings for him, which I did make quite explicit. However, another component of the message was an offer, framed as an early birthday present, to remove myself from his life. At the time, and even at this moment, I was overwhelmed by the feeling that nothing beneficial could ever come from his knowing me. Throughout every conversation we've had, some part of me wondered why he was even bothering to talk to me in the first place. His time and attention was to me a gift I was not worthy of; contrarily, knowing me was a burden he did not deserve to carry. While he did acknowledge that the initial message I sent was done while I wasn't in the best of mental or emotional states, and was fairly understanding of that fact, I would still stand by what I said. Afterwards, he expressed his desire to continue being friends, and reassuringly conveyed the value of our friendship to me, but I cannot tell if he was doing so out of genuine belief in what he was saying, or in an effort to not cause me more pain and stress when I was already in a fragile position to begin with. Since then, there have been rough patches in our conversations but also times when everything has felt perfectly normal between us.

The exact nature of our communication, particularly the fact that I tend to be the one to initiate contact (despite my generally shy and reserved nature) has not escaped me. Around a week ago, I conducted an experiment of sorts to determine how much he would invest to maintain our relationship by forcing myself not to initiate conversation (we are not able to spend much time together in person due to conflicting schedules and thus tend to communicate mostly over social media). Now, as it is a virtual conversation, it was difficult to find a moment when either of us weren't responding to something the other said, but at one point when we were talking at night he fell asleep in the middle of our conversation. The next day he said as much but did not make an effort to continue where we left off. He also did something that he'd never done before after I responded to that fact: he saw my message but did not respond to it. While I'm not the most socially adept of people, I do take care to ensure that my messages allow for some response to be made (i.e. I don't just end with a one word phrase or something of the sort). Therefore, he could have chosen to respond to my last message or continue the conversation from the following night, and consciously chose not to. He has, however, been keeping our SnapChat streak alive, though doing so requires minimal effort on his part and is not very conductive towards an actual conversation.

Naturally, I feel the urge to reach out to him every day, but is this not exactly what I suggested we do? His life is still probably better off without me in it. I've invested hours of my days pursuing the things he's expressed interest in, all in an effort to both understand him better, and ensure we always have something to talk about. I've listened to dozens of songs from his favorite bands, read thousands of pages of a Q&A blog he follows, and have watched a few seasons so far of one of his favorite shows. I would continue doing so in most cases, not only for the interest I have in those things as well, but also for him. Not talking to him is a choice that plagues me every day, but I'm willing to do so if it is in his best interest, which I believe is the case. I've long since given up on pursuing my own happiness. Has anyone experienced something similar to this? Do you think I am making the "right" decision, however you might define that?

 

Sounds like you need to focus on improving your own self esteem and self image rather than worrying about your friend. I can go on and on from your post about why this the case, but maybe just let the comment sit with you and see what feelings come about once you have thought about it.

 

Oh yes, I admit, there is certainly a lack of self esteem in my life, and I have been working on that I suppose with my therapist (though not much progress has been made on that front, evidently), but I figured people would be more willing to respond to this if there were something more tangible to address. My lack of self confidence has been fostered over a lifetime of living under the grand expectations of my father and the under-appreciation of my mother. It is something that has been tempered in the flames of academic competition and smothered by my sister's achievements. The ideological change required for me to truly appreciate myself as a person outside of the validation of others may take years to achieve. My relationship with this friend, however, is much more malleable, and the effects of my actions can be seen immediately.

 

Hey Ambivalence0219,

First, I agree with OnTheHighway that you should focus your efforts more on you own lack of self-esteem and self-confidence.

I have a couple of questions for you:

- Did your friend ever respond directly to your statement that you are in love with him?
- Why do you think that he continues to talk to you if he doesn't think you are worth it? Are you under some impression that he is only doing so out of pity for you?
- Why are you going out of your way to avoid talking to him face-to-face?
- Why do you think severing your relationship with him is to his benefit?
- Have you tried to sit down and talk to him about any of this face-to-face?

 

Okay, let's see.

- He has not responded directly to that statement or even acknowledged that as a direct consequence I am if not completely, then somewhat homosexual (to his knowledge).
- The impression I have is that he has not yet realized that I am not worth his time/consideration/attention and is still operating under some presumption of who I am that is not quite entirely accurate.
- While I was at one point avoiding personal interactions, before I told him I would attempt to maximize out daily intersections and thus interactions by using alternate routes to get to where I needed to be. Nowadays, however, there has not really been any time to talk to him alone in person, so even if we do bump into each other, we wouldn't really be able to talk about these things.
- I suppose I think that because I'm not in a place to be anything more than a liability, socially, academically, emotionally, and intellectually.
- This follows the question before last, but I have not had the opportunity to do so.

 

O.K. Ambivalence0219,

You seem to be putting a lot of burden on yourself over this and you seem to be making a lot of assumptions on his part without actually talking to him about this stuff. Clearly you are infatuated with him, but it isn’t clear if he returns any of your romantic feelings, though he probably doesn’t. (His sexuality is irrelevant if he doesn’t feel ‘that way’ about you, but he still wants to be friends.) You seem to be creating a fantasy world in which you are imaging his feelings and responses towards you without actually having much factual data to base those assumptions on. For example, you say that you want to sever your relationship with him to his benefit because you think that you “not in a place to be anything more than a liability, socially, academically, emotionally, and intellectually.” Has he EVER said anything to back that up? Is he somehow obligated to continue talking to you or being your friend? If not, isn’t it HIS choice and likely a fairly positive opinion of you that would drive him to continue his friendship with you?

Frankly, if you continue to berate your worth to him and take actions to distance yourself from him, you will have created a self-fulfilling prophecy by ending your friendship de facto through your actions. So you believe it is fair to either you or him to end your friendship in such a one-sided manner?

Having said all of that, if your main issue is your unrequited love for him, then perhaps spending some time away from him would, in fact, be best for you so that you can get your own emotions back under control. But, again, if you are going to do that, don’t you think that you owe it to him to explain what you are doing and why you are doing it?

Just some thoughts.

 

Hey -

I'm sorry to hear things are so sucky for you right now. You are right that taking a step back and removing yourself from the situation for a while, at least until you can get your own feelings and mental well-being sorted out, is a good idea - but you should try to do this in the best way possible, both vis a vis your friend and yourself. Like Quantumreality said, you should probably have a serious discussion with your friend first about your concerns, your worries over your relationship with him, and, if you feel comfortable with bringing up the topic, your feelings for him - try to do this calmly and in a way that makes it clear to him that you have thought these things over carefully, and are not simply speaking out of depression or anger, either at yourself or at him. You say you felt certain you weren't doing any good for him. This is a common feeling among people who have developed unrequited feelings for a friend, particularly when you know or believe that the friend has a different sexual orientation than you do. But ask yourself why you really believe this, beyond the dynamics of your feelings for him. Does he seem happy around you, or uncomfortable? Do you think if he truly didn't want you in your life, he wouldn't have told you already, or at least stopped talking to you by now? These are all things to think about, and perhaps to discuss with him, without making any assumptions about how he feels toward you beforehand.

You may, in the end, decide that you yourself are better off not talking to him in any case. But I've been in your place before, and I believe this is a decision worth thinking carefully over, and certainly discussing with him. Getting left behind by a friend, without explanation, is definitely the worst; don't do it to your friend if you can help it.

All the best to you, and Happy Holidays -
Miri