So for the last month I've been seeing a Brazilian guy who is over here learning English. Now I'm an English teacher so the communication isn't much a problem and I've plenty of patience. It started with him messaging me on ******* and honestly, I was quite surprised. Hand to God, I'm really not that good-looking and this lad is so far out my league it's laughable. I was showing his picture to my best mate and even she was jealous I was going on a date with him. Anyway, first date was grand, we met in a gay bar, had a drink, talked and in the end hooked up. Went well and he messaged me saying how he had fun, I was cute etc. etc. The next meet, same again, and again. I was actually falling for him, and despite my insecurities having me in a sweat with each message wondering if I was saying the right thing, or annoying him too much and just wondering what it was he sees in me, I kept going at it. The last meet was last week, and we met and went for a walk in the park. It was actually really nice, we walked, held hands and then we just stopped at one point and he pulled me close and we kissed...a lot...and then just stood there with his arms wrapped around me. It was a moment I've actually never had because I just don't get relationships happening yet alone several dates with the one guy. Now despite all of this, I just can't accept he may actually like me. Now this week, we arranged to meet up Wednesday gone. We were joking on Monday saying how we should push the boundaries and meet up maybe three times this week, which he was happy to do. I've arranged each meet up, except for our first date, and so when Wednesday arrived, I wanted to test a theory and not text him first but rather wait and see when he would. Sure enough I was left waiting...and waiting...and waiting. It got to around 7pm with no word, and I just text him saying "So much for a meet up today I guess, anywho, enjoy your evening". He replied pretty dam quick saying how he had to stay at home because several people were coming to view the apartment...but could he not have text me at any stage in the day to say that?? So I ignored it, and he text saying sorry...then later saying goodnight. I didn't bother texting yesterday, and he did first. I wrote back asking how his day was and he tells me he went for lunch with a friend (mind you this was supposed to be our second day meet up of the week). I just said "sound good". Then before going to bed, I said goodnight and he wrote saying "don't go to sleep, how was your day? I know I upset you yesterday and I'm sorry". I was still really annoyed so kept the conversation going for about 20minutes but my response were very simple and not quick ended. So today, we messaged a bit, but nothing to the extent before because I just don't want to keep the conversation going. I'm hurt! Like it literally reinforces everything in how I can't and should not get good-looking guys because it seriously is too good to be true. Once someone breaks my trust, I don't just give it back easy. Does it sound like a play or is he interested? Like he didn't even say "let me make it up to you" or "lets reschedule"...I was hoping for too much wasn't I?
First off - let me just say that I entirely understand if you have trust issues, and it isn't something to feel bad about; to err on the side of caution is not a bad thing. However, taken at face value, I think this guy seems like he's serious about you; he apologized, and I can't see any reason he'd be a player, nor any indication that he didn't care about letting you down (after all, he did apologize). I think that you're probably just feeling worried about this because of past experiences - which, again, are not to be discounted, but it's also important to remember that just because you had bad experiences with jerks in the past doesn't mean this guy is all bad, too. I understand your anxiety about his not replying earlier in the day, but lots of things could come up, and he told you he was sorry twice - I don't think that, if he were insincere, he would have bothered to apologize so readily, especially when you hadn't been talking and were clearly miffed. A player might be more likely to simply ignore you, brush it off, or come up with an excuse later instead of continuing to apologize; by nature, they don't take you seriously, so why waste the time and effort to apologize so much and so quickly, if at all? I also understand that you might have expected him to offer to make it up, and I can see why you might doubt him for not having done that, but I think it's reasonable that not everyone would immediately ask for a rain check, especially in a situation where you two have been happily seeing each other for a while now, without hitches, and where the reason he couldn't come seems to be both entirely innocent and plausible. Now, his missing the second date is a little more odd, and I entirely understand why you're hurt by this. Maybe you should ask him why he seemingly forgot completely about your date and never really explained why, or offered to make it up? It isn't a sure tell that he's a player, but it's certainly annoying - even if you are pushing the boundaries with three dates this week. He may not have talked about it further because he felt embarrassed about missing a second date and too ashamed to try and properly make up for it - mind you, that doesn't excuse anything, but it's perfectly possible that he simply was too clumsy to offer a rain check on that one. All in all, it seems like you've been seeing this guy for maybe a few weeks, and are still in the antsy stage of getting to know him and to be certain he's decent. I'd say it's perfectly right to be a little suspicious of him, but I'd also say to keep the jury out until you've got more evidence of him being indecently forgetful or otherwise outright unresponsive. Of course, this is not to say that I couldn't be wrong, but I believe you should take him at face value, accept his apologies, and discuss your concerns with him as calmly and sincerely as possible, since there's no overt indication of him being a player yet, and since you do seem to like him quite a bit (go you!). Best of luck! - Miri
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I know my past is going play with me and my decisions, and it is hard to brush it aside. It's funny though cause while I read the situation I see him not being too interested, but yet through someone else's eyes,the situation seems the near opposite. I have taken alot of what you said onboard and considered. I just see the fact he apologised as a necessary act, but yeah, I guess why would he if he didn't want to keep talking. It sounds sad but I took the step and told myself to cop on and text him in a similar fashion as we used to. It's funny though cause it's hard to get over it. I just don't know why he would do it like he did, but I should also take onboard it could generally be a mistake and he did acknowledge I got annoyed by it. Maybe it's pride, hurt, stubbornness...I dunno, but I just can't get to texting him willing like before yet. What you say about the player aspect is pretty interesting...I guess he would just blatantly ignore me altogether if so. You've got me thinking in all sorts of directions now...I'll play things out a bit more I suppose and hopefully he doesn't disappoint because I do like him and it would suck for it to end like this..
I think I'd let him do the running and arranging from now on and see what happens.In my opinion he shoudl have rung you early on Wednesday and told you he couldnt make it. Why could'nt he have suggested going out on the Thursday or Friday instead? To me he doesnt sound like he really wants to be with you as he would be making more of an effort. I think it sounds like hes keeping you on the backburner/stringing you along. Sorry.
His good looks are a justification for your lack of trust. You have difficulty placing confidence in someone else and that is poisonous to your relationships. It's not hard to detect when someone doesn't trust you and based on his behavior I'm guessing he has figured this out. I feel bad for him. Having someone want you and simultaneously not trust your intentions is worse than if they rejected you from the start. Try considering someone else's feelings other than your own for a change. You aren't the center of the universe.
Thanks poppy, that's basically my thought. I we text alot during the day so what was the harm in him just saying he couldn't meet up and sure why didn't he just say "looking forward to tomorrows meet up" or something. I think you're right though about seeing if he will do any of the planning. I mean I don't want to come across needy but all I want is to see him...I'm guessing more than he wanted to see me.. And Monraffe, in no way am I looking to be the center of the universe. I didn't not text him to be wanting all the attention, I did it to see if he was as excited about meeting up as I was...or has it always been a one sided affair. And yeah there would be trust issues but like you say, when they're good looking it just comes with the territory because you know they can replace you in two minutes probably. I do consider his feelings but it considered very little of mine. He may have apologised but there was no want of making it up to me or anything...I don't want all attention..
Has he suggested anymore meet ups yet? If not I'd give him a week or so to sort himself out as it has been Xmas and the New year and he might have had family stuff going on. If he doesnt suggest anything then I'd just move on and cut your losses. Also beauty is only skin deep, go for someone who can offer you something solid.
I understand how you feel. It's hard having trust in a situation, especially when that situation seems too good to be true. I did not get the vibe that you want to be the center of the universe. Your feelings are very justified. If I were him, and I truly liked you as much as he seems to like you on the dates, I would have never left you hanging like that. But then again, I'm not him, so it's hard to say. I'm the type of person who gets wrapped up in someone and tends to make them a priority. But that's just me. It's truly hard to say what his intentions are, especially when everything seems so fresh still. The fact that he left you hanging the first time, seemed like an honest mistake. But then when he left you hanging the second time, that seems a bit odd and questionable. If I were you, I'd wait to see how much effort he makes to see you. If he asks to see you again, make plans to see him, and gently bring up the subject about how he hurt your feelings. Give him a chance to explain. I know it's probably difficult to allow time to see if he makes an effort, because I'm sure you really like him, which makes it hard to be patient. It's hard not to throw yourself at someone like that, especially when they seemed so genuine at first. I hope everything works out.
I am going to play devils advocate. You have good reasons your alarm bells are going off. He is in Dublin to "learn English", which is often code for "find someone to take care of me". Lots of guys from poorer countries go to wealthier countries to find "the one". And Brazil to Dublin sounds like a popular route (as is Brazil to London). Now, this may very well not be the case at all in your situation. But your being cautious, which is appropriate. If it does work out, that's great, and I hope it does!
The other part of me was actually wondering this. I didn't want to sound rude, but with him being from Brazil, and not knowing much English, makes me wonder. I could be 100% wrong about this wonder, since it's very likely that his feelings are genuine. Just be careful, and let him make the moves for a bit.
To be honest I feel bad for the other guy in this scenario. You said yourself that you sort of set a precedent for how these things work and then you broke it to "test" him. Really? My guess is that he spent the better part of Wednesday waiting for your text then basically got an accusation in return, to which he apologized and got the cold shoulder in return. He might be on a message board like this somewhere having other people tell him what a jerk you are. Seriously, you sat around NOT texting him furious that he wasn't texting you? Seriously? Then you expect him to show up for a date while you're giving him the cold shoulder. I don't know anyone who would show up for the date on Friday after having multiple attempts to apologize for something they didn't even do ignored. I certainly wouldn't have. To be honest I think it was generous of him to even give you the time of day after that let alone apologizing again! I would worry a little less about how sincere his multiple apologies were and a little more about what you should be apologizing for. I know it's harsh but seriously you need to look at what went down here and at least try to learn from it--and I really don't think the thing you have to learn is that pretty guys have issues.
No Poppy, he hasn't suggested anymore meet ups. But that said, I bit the bullet and asked on Sunday if he'd like to hang out this week, and he said yes! So I told him to give me a day that best suits when he know when he free...so yeah, still waiting on that day to be told but it is only Wednesday. I just don't want a repeat of last time because that will seriously get me...but I'm going to see how it pans out and if nothing, yeah I guess will just cut it... :/ Oh Anthemic, thanks for seeing it in my light anyway. I mean would it have been really too much to ask for a simple "lets make up for it tomorrow" or something like that? I mean it seems like I was asking too much going by some others views...but that's why I wrote this. I want the views of all sides. I suggested to meet up this week but let him pick the day, and he hasn't suggested when yet but I am not going to remind him again because I feel like you say, and just need to wait and see if he takes any action. I really want to remind him cause I still want to see him, but I am going to wait.. And it's funny, but both you and OnTheHighway aren't alone in that thinking. Now I didn't so much see it as a case of "finding the one with money" because by no means I am the one for that haha, but I have thought that maybe it is a case of that he "found a local lad, and one who wants to meet and will always be egar so sure enough can be played about". It's terrible, but it crossed my mind, and really I put it down to my insecurities because if I believed that sure I wouldn't date other nationalities. Thankfully I wasn't alone in that thought process.. OGS I had a part to play, yes of course, and if it's my fault then I fucked up and it's going to eat me alive more so than already is but have you ever been a situation whereby you have done all the meet ups, all the suggestions, picked the days, the times, the location...always..and then you eventually reach that point of whereby you decide to take a step back and see if the others will take the initiative for a change? That's what got me to wait for a change. We generally text each other "morning" and maybe I'd be first or him..and so I waited to see if he would that day, and sure he didn't..he text anything. All I was hoping for, was to see the return of wanting to meet as much as I did. So even when he did apologise, he didn't say "looking forward to tomorrow", or "sorry, but will see you on our second date". I don't think it was asking much for that. And I have looked at it and what role I played. Yes I was tiffed off, and couldn't really keep conversations going, but I bit the bullet and again made the effort, made the suggestion to meet and sure enough I'm still waiting to hear about what day would be best. I've told him I have no plans this week so it's a matter of waiting. And I am not saying pretty guys have issues, but it can be a case whereby they feel they can play someone who is on the lower scale; knowing that that other person will be more than happy at the opportunity to meet. I just hope this works out...sounds a little sad, but I haven't had someone interested in me for a long time and I've missed the feeling you get when it happens. I've toned down and I don't get as overly happy at seeing he messaged me but I think it to just prepare for the worst possibility...here's hoping..
Hope it all works out for you but to me it sounds like your been strung along. Why couldnt he just give you an evening for meeting up?. If you get let down this time please move on or elce hes making a fool out of you and you deserve better. Dont chase him any further. Take Care and let us know what happens.X
So just thought I'd give the update. The reason he was off and hasn't been talking much is due to the fact that he has been involved with someone else the last while but now can't continue being involved with both me and him...so naturally, despite the text saying how wonderful I am and he really wants to stay friends, he chose the other guy. Just when ya think you may actually have a dating thing going on for the first time in years, I get that slapped in my face. Anywho, thanks everyone for the help. Really do appreciate it
Dont be too down, you are better off by yourself than being messed about, at least he had the decency to tell you. I hope you find someone better soon.
