Okay so I have this problem, it's not very severe but it really begun to interfere with my life. I have a very difficult time looking people in the eye. I don't know what's causing it and I can't remember when it started but it's been going on for a long time. Many people especially men, I can't look in the eye. I feel almost like they can see through me, like they know something is off about me, that they know I am weak and different- well, I certainly feel weak and different. It's mostly just with men (I'm certainly not scared of them or anything) but it's like I'm ashamed, like I don't have the right to stand on the same plane as them because they were born "right", or in some way "better", is how my twisted mind construes it. (However wrong I know this thinking is, my subconscious must beg to differ) I envy their confidence and lack of self hatred, and I feel small. I don't know if this is the cause, but I've spent so long analyzing myself I don't really see what other reasons my strange affliction could have. I have a difficult time picking myself apart, I'm not a very emotional person so there always seems like there's a film separating me from knowledge of my feelings and their sources. Anyways, it's embarrassing, because I always get flustered and it looks like I'm crushing on them, when in reality, I much prefer girls. Help before someone drastically misinterprets my body language.
Looking people "in the eye" is often misunderstood and I'm wondering if that's what is happening here? The idea isn't to stare or gaze endlessly into another persons eyes, because that's kind of uncomfortable for both parties (unless you are really into someone). No, the idea is to make eye contact and continue to face the person to demonstrate that they have your attention, but it doesn't mean staring right into their pupils and never once averting your gaze, so creating this level of awkwardness that you describe. Most people make eye contact without even thinking about it -- they do it unconsciously in the course of a normal conversation. The fact that you are thinking about it like this would suggest you are paying too much attention to something that really should be quite easy and natural. Remember, it's about eye contact, rather than looking in the eye. Apart from all of this, how do you feel in social situations? Do you experience any sort of anxiety about meeting people?
If it is any consolation, I've had the same problem most of my life. I just could not hold someone's gaze. I ended up training myself to do so when I began working, because in the Western world it is considered rude not to look someone in the eyes, especially in customer service situations. I did it gradually, by just glancing quickly at a person. As I got more comfortable with certain coworkers/clients, I would try to make my glance hold just a little longer, until I could act my way through a normal situation. I still hate it though, and I often am just a shy ball of nerves inside. New acquaintances are the worst! Anyway, my point is, that if you practice around people you feel comfortable with, a little peek at a time, you'll be able to "fake" the eye contact you need in social circles. You may never be comfortable with it, but you'll be able to do it (plus you can always disappear at social functions too, to take a break.) Hope that helps a little, Sebby45
I've been working on this as well and the advice I have heard is to try and not per say look at their eyes but focus on something on them near their eyes. Somebody's makeup, somebody's nose, etc. But, like PatrickUK said, we make eye contact without doing it, so learning not to think about it, usually makes it a little better. Granted, I have done so without noticing, in that instance, the earlier tips, plus learning why you're doing so helps as well, so you can unlearn the behavior.
I have social anxiety and used to have a lot of trouble looking at people in the eye, instead focusing on their forehead or nose made "eye contact" less difficult for me. Not trans but I think I understand what you mean by feeling inferior and I have felt similar but for different reasons. I especially feel that way with other guys, but I've gotten better at it, realizing that I am on very much the same plane as them. You certainly aren't "lesser than" but I know how hard it is to combat those feelings (been dealing with depression for years.) Increased confidence in your abilities and acknowledging that you are just as good, if not better in some ways, than those guys will help make eye contact not as troubling.
Thanks for the advice guys, it's really helpful. As for your questions I don't have any social anxiety, I'm pretty comfortable with other people, except with eye contact, even looking at their faces is extremely difficult. I have to look in a completely different direction to feel any semblance of comfort. I do eventually get warmed up to people and am fine looking at them, but every now and them I'll remember that they see me as a girl and I'll feel extremely uncomfortable, even with people I've known for years. I think it's more easy to look women in the eye because I feel more masculine than the majority of them, but with men it's so difficult. I feel so small and weak and confined. I don't ever want to run away. I want to continue the conversation and talk with them as just another human being. But it's so hard. Just today, I met up with an old male friend. We've known each other since 3rd grade, but I could hardly muster up the strength to look at his chin, let alone his eyes. I felt so painfully feminine the entire time I wanted to scream. It didn't help the only clean clothes I had were tight ones. They were so form fitting I felt like I was walking around stark naked. It was nice seeing him again, talking with him was fun and distracted me partially, but every 5-10 minutes I would notice again and it would be difficult to cope. I'm not anxious around people, but it's soon gonna become that way if I don't fix this...
That is an incredibly good point. I always have difficulty making eye contact with my crushes, because I don't want to reveal my feelings. But I've found that in platonic situations, its much better not to think about eye contact, because for me at least, if I think about it I start making too much or too little. I think it's sort of like if you think about breathing. Something helpful that I read that might help the OP is that if you try to look at their eyebrows, or there eyes and the area around their eyes, don't zero your focus down to just their eyes or pupils (which is easy to accidentally do if you are attracted to someone). And just try not to think about it. Look at them but visualize a transparent wall between your face and there's. It mentally creates distance. I've found that when I make eye contact with people I'm attracted too, for some reason it actually feels like my face is closer to there's than it is, so imagining the wall for me help's my brain to recognize the distance.
I have the same problem. Apparently, if you look at the bridge of someone's nose, they'll think you're looking them in the eye. Same goes for most other parts of the face: chin, nose, forehead, mouth. I find looking at the mouth helps? Because if they're talking, the their mouth is constantly moving which for me is a good visual stimuli and help me concentrate on the conversation and not the person.
