1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Off to college, back in the closet?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by nyctbi, Dec 31, 2016.

  1. nyctbi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2016
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    So I'm off to college next year, and with it I have a decision. Do I come out as bi to people in college like I'm subtly doing at the end of high school or go back in the closet? I'm leaning towards the latter, since I can get away with it and I don't want to have that possibly drive anybody away. I'm pretty certain that I don't think I want to come out to everyone...like...ever. I feel like with some of my aspirations, being out will give me no benefit, and in fact may even hurt me. I've already told a few people at my high school, but that's small and tight-knit enough so that it can be kept under wraps. If I'm out at college, containing it will be a lot more tricky. Let me know what y'all think
     
  2. nikanoo5

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2016
    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    I am going to college/university a year later than you, and I'll probably face the same situation. I think I'll mostly keep it to myself, and only tell people who I am extremely comfortable with like close friends like you have, and if they need to know, like a partner. You should only come out when you feel ready, it's okay to take your time! :slight_smile: Sexuality I feel is highly personal and you should only do what you feel comfortable doing. Most of the LGBT people I know at school keep it to themselves, not because they're ashamed but because it's personal. The world is becoming a much more accepting place, and I'm sure you'll find an abundance of people at your university that will support you no matter what!

    Good luck for the rest of high school and at college!! :grin: x
     
  3. AKTodd

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    I would say that anyone who would be driven away from you due to your orientation isn't worth your time or consideration anyway. So why worry about them?

    I'm not sure what you mean by being out not benefiting your aspirations.

    I came out in college (not due to being closeted in HS, but because I didn't realize I was gay until I was in college) and was/am out to pretty much everybody. I've never really found it to be an issue, either personally or professionally.

    As far as one's sexuality being 'personal' - if a person is simply not sharing the intimate details of their relationships with others, then yes, it's 'personal' in the sense that most people think of these things. But then again, most people are straight and its generally assumed that most people will engage in straight relationships - so they don't really have to say they are straight or explain their relationships.

    But if someone is essentially making a point to keep anyone from knowing they even have a non-straight relationship (e.g, saying their significant other is 'just a friend' or otherwise avoiding or lying if someone asks), or have a non-straight orientation - then they have moved beyond 'its personal' to 'hiding it'. They may have good reasons for doing that - but it's more than a matter of 'it's personal' IMO.

    Todd
     
  4. OGS

    OGS
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2014
    Messages:
    2,716
    Likes Received:
    728
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I did not come out until after college. It was the early eighties, I hardly even knew anyone who was gay and I just didn't have the courage. Decades later it is still my greatest regret bar none. College is really a unique time to find yourself and be true to that self--don't hobble the experience by trying to maintain the closet instead.
     
  5. WarmEmbrace

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2016
    Messages:
    204
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Bucharest
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    This above sums it up :slight_smile:.

    Unless it is a circumstance where coming out really takes opportunities that you would like to pursue away from you or puts you in actual danger, why wouldn't you come out ?

    If you yourself feel some shame about being Bi, that that's the reason why you want to closet back, remember his shame will sap your strength from inside and will sabotage your relationships whether you are out or not. If that is there, make sure you work with that and get rid of it. Regardless if you come out or not, that shame or self doubt has to go.

    After you have accepted yourself and are no longer ashamed, coming out remains about assessing the environment you are in, and deciding whether it is good for you or not and then taking action.

    (&&&)
     
  6. nyctbi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2016
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I am ashamed of being bisexual. I don't know why, I know that doesn't mean something's wrong with me, it just feels wrong.

    Also, the avenue I don't want to eliminate that I think coming out could jeopardize: Republican politician.
     
  7. Ryler

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2016
    Messages:
    56
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    It is ultimately up to you and when you're completely ready. I do think that if you're going off to college, especially if you're going to be living in a new area, it is the perfect opportunity to be open to your true self. You will be meeting many new people for the first time during your college journey. All of these people will know nothing about you, so you can paint the image that you want them to see for your first impression. That image can be either closeted or open. The people that are accepting of your true self in college are definitely the ones that you want in your life, so coming out in college will be a good test to see who are the ones that are worth forming a friendship with.

    Many colleges/universities also have LGBT clubs that you can join as well for support. I came out about 2 years after graduating college, and I always wished that I came out while I was in college. My life probably would have been a lot different if I was comfortable enough to come out during college. Most people at the college level are not judgmental at all when it comes to orientation (at least for my experience). The ones that do have a problem are the ones that you don't need in your life. They are just doing the filtering out for you.

    Also, you can be out without having to come out to everybody that you see and meet in college. I don't make it an effort to go and tell everybody that I know, because I don't feel it is necessary, but I am comfortable enough to tell anybody that asks me or if the topic comes up. Just come out to the people that you want to know.
     
  8. Mirko

    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2008
    Messages:
    18,870
    Likes Received:
    3,203
    Location:
    Northern Hemisphere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi there! Being back in college, would be a good opportunity to work on the shame that you are experiencing. The first step would be for you to talk about it, be open about it. Or in the words of Brene Brown: 'really let yourself be seen.'

    Given what you have mentioned, there is a possibility that some of that shame comes from your future aspirations. However, wanting to enter politics, should not prevent you from living your life, or more to the point, being yourself.

    I can imagine it is difficult to reconcile your (potential) political affiliation with your sexual orientation but if you do want to have a life without feeling of being in the closet or going back and forth, which in itself can create stress on you, it would be good to start doing some work on being okay with being bisexual. :slight_smile:
     
  9. FalconBlueSky00

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2015
    Messages:
    390
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    TX
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    While I understand why coming out would hurt your aspirations right now, consider if you are ok with hiding the real you from the people you are asking to vote for you? This is something you will have to live with in all aspects of your life with a political career.

    The Republican mayor of a city near me called San Angelo ended up resigning from his entire career to go to Mexico with his undocumented boyfriend so that they could have a life together. He had 80 something percent popularity polling and I have to wonder if he couldn't have won being out. He was that popular. The Republican Party may not always be the same party it is now, younger republicans appear to have a much more favorable opinion of LGBT people.
     
  10. Ryler

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2016
    Messages:
    56
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I just wanted to add that being bi is just one aspect of your life. You are so much more than just that label, so don't let it deter you from chasing what you really want in your life. Being bi and out does not stop you from being a competent, hardworking, and genuine politician. As long as people can sense these qualities from you, even if you're a republican politician, they will respect you and not care about the label. Even though there are still people that are closed minded, our nation is progressively growing more accepting of the LGBT community.
     
  11. nyctbi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2016
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Yeah, I'm hoping by the point I can run for office that the Republican party adapts to be more LGBT inclusive.
     
  12. OGS

    OGS
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2014
    Messages:
    2,716
    Likes Received:
    728
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If that is the case than I think you should definitely come out sooner rather than later. If your intention is to lead you should go ahead and lead...
     
  13. Chewbaca

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2016
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Houston
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I'm going off to college this year in the fall too. After reading this replies, I feel much better about being out of the closet in college and truly being who I want to be which is opposite of what I can do at home. My parents are really homophobic and religious. I bought an LGBT bracelet and they told me I couldn't wear it because it would bring gay spirits in the house even though they still claim to love me. I'm more of a tomboy so I dont really get to dress how I really want to dress at home so I look forward to being away from home and dressing how I like to dress.
     
  14. nyctbi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2016
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you guys for all the kind comments! I'm feeling more willing to be open, but still think I'm going to remain closeted, at least for the time being.
     
  15. mnguy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2006
    Messages:
    2,377
    Likes Received:
    450
    Location:
    Mountain hermitage
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Do you think you'd ever want to date or have sexual interaction with a guy? If not, and that remains consistent, then it's kinda like you're not really bi anyway so you can be happy with women. If you only want to be with women then in what context do you think you might want to tell someone that you're bi? For example if you're hanging out with some new college friends and someone says they think being bi is fake or just a step on the way to full on gay. Would that be a good time to say that you are bi and you could talk about the Kinsey scale or whatever to educate them? Do you want to be free to say a guy is hot just as you might about a woman? Sorry, lots of questions, just kinda brainstorming.

    I wish I knew I was gay when i was in college and had the chance to date or otherwise be with guys back then and hope you won't regret whatever you decide to do.

    Similar to not wasting your time with people who reject you for being bi, if being bi would cause a problem as a GOP politician, why would you want to be part of that group that rejects something so natural in you and works to maintain LGBT discrimination? It would be great though if you could help turn that around in the GOP.
     
  16. Guff

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2016
    Messages:
    253
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kentucky
    This obviously doesn't really totally apply to you much.. Or maybe it does, I dunno. I think it does to some weird extent.

    Twice I've been hospitalized for personal mental/depression issues.
    My 1st time there, I still haven't uttered "Im gay" to another living soul. The hospital had a LOT of group therapy time with the other patients. So my 1st time there on my 1st day, I told no one. At all. On day 5 I finally told my roommate and he seemed shocked like "Dang really?!" and than on day 6 I came out to 2 other patients and they both seemed really shock. (All 3 of which were supportive btw) So every time I came out, it was like this "shocking news" and knowing there would be some response and I'd somewhat change their perspective of me it was hard.
    My 2nd trip to the hospital, day 1 in the 1st group session of the morning I was surrounded by 18 strangers that I've never seen before. The session was about "Things we would say if we weren't judged by society/family" and I said on my turn "I wish I could tell my family I'm gay". Which to me, going from only being out to 3 people I got to know first, to come out to 18 strangers felt absolutely crazy. I said it, and this 1 guy clapped for me. Which caused everyone too and the hole room was applauding me LOL Nobody cared. I felt 100x more comfortable this trip to the hospital and I also felt GREAT LOL
    To just say "I'm gay" shamelessly in front of others felt great. Obviously a few of the patients weren't supportive and had a problem with it. All they said was nothing. They had a life of their own, who cares what I'm doing. And they somewhat "avoided me" in free time. Which honestly, if the homophobic people wanna stay away from me... GREAT! xD


    So back to my point, I do NOT regret coming out during my 2nd visit.
    I do regret not really coming out my 1st visit. And the few times I did come out it was made into this "big deal" it really wouldn't have been if I would've just been honest up front.
    And I truly believe it'd be the same for you!

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2017 at 05:41 PM ----------

    Also I'd consider myself a republican. I weirdly thought by coming out all the other republicans wouldn't really want to hang out with me, and I was TOTALLY wrong. The only people with a fuss were the really religious people. Which were some right wings AND some left wings. I don't think it matters so much what side their on and it shouldn't be much of an issue.
     
  17. I'm starting college soon and I guess I'm going to face the same situation. My plan right now is to not come out to everyone I come across, but with people I become close with when it comes up in conversations. I live in Tokyo right now so it's a somewhat homophobic environment. After I came out about 2 years ago to most of my friends in high school, I realized that although keeping to yourself is surely possible, by coming out and being a bit vulnerable, you get to build tighter relationships with your friends that are based on trust. And I think good friends are one of the valuable things life has to offer :wink:

    Have fun at school!
    Phoenix