Feeling alone and unable to connect with people

I'm a 19 year old guy and have struggled to make friends almost my whole life. I feel generally useless and a burden to people, though I don't think I'm a bad person and I certainly care about my friends and those close to me. I used to have awful social anxiety, but it's not as big of a problem anymore idk, but I'm still a quiet, shy person.

My life has been a revolving cycle of meeting someone, becoming acquaintances (on a lucky chance), getting closer until suddenly, they drift away or become preoccupied with other people or simply forget about me, despite me making effort to keep in touch. Nobody ever initiates conversation with me.

I have looked into websites like meetup etc, but they all seem catered to an older crowd (late 20s-30s+) or those in the 'professional' world, nothing really at all for teens/early 20s people. The city I live in is quite uneventful too, making socializing and meeting people quite difficult. I had a friend who backstabbed me, another friend who graduated this semester and left for Japan, and some other acquaintances that I never really spent time with outside of the occasional coffee or in class. I'm feeling really discouraged about meeting anyone here, and feel like I'm going to be alone until I graduate and move elsewhere for graduate school.

I have considered volunteering but I already work and go to school, so I don't have a lot of freetime. I work in a research lab for a phd student, so I don't really mingle with anyone beside my adviser and other students I collaborate with.

As for groups, I went to a tabletop RPG meetup a few weeks ago, but felt out of place despite being with nerdier people with similar interests to me. I guess I had fun learning how to play, but I don't see it as a place to really make friends. I also attended a writer's workshop, but it was full of 30+ people (obviously made me feeling uncomfortable, so I didn't attend again). All of my friends are online, including my boyfriend.

I spend most of my free time reading, walking, writing and playing video games, but I'm really tired of being alone and just wonder what is wrong with me.

 

Oh hey, I just figured out how to double quote people

I should clarify that I *normally don't feel 'wrong' but rather cause I have trouble fitting in with people or connecting with people, that there's something quite off about me that makes others not want to associate with me. And I don't feel antisocial, I'm totally up to meeting new people, I just have some anxiety and then again... I don't know where to go to actually meet people.

I think in order for me to remain sane at all, I have to learn to be okay with being alone, but it's very difficult when my peers seem to be having a fun time, going out, exploring, doing things.

I generally get along better with people of an older age bracket but it would feel weird for me to attend a meetup group specifically targeted for those 25-30 plus, I really like the phd student I work for, I get along with her so well whereas with my lab mates, conversation feels so stale and awkward.

I am in a college town too which you would think would equal more social opportunity, but it's a weird dynamic. There's really no big shops or a lot of activities to do here, and the social activities on my campus are few and far between (ones that interest me anyway). I go to my uni's anime club and technology club, but the anime club involves really no conversation with anyone since it's just a space to watch stuff, and the latter is very clique like so I kinda stopped going because I wasn't feeling included.

I'm kinda hoping that maybe if I burrow myself in my schoolwork, I'll be able to graduate earlier than anticipated and be able to move so I can be in a more 'lively' area for grad school, maybe Seattle or Vancouver, Portland, somewhere in-through there. So, kinda sacrificing social life for hopefully(?) something greater later on.

But to be honest, the loneliness is making my mental health issues worse, since I spend so much of my time isolated, holed up in my room. I just wish I had a real life friend to spend time with...

 

I definitely don't exert confidence but then again I've seen people who seem far more meek than me who have friends. Bleh. I dunno what to do really.