It has been a couple of months now from my encounter with a transsexual whilst on holiday. I was intoxicated, on the street near town by myself late at night and saw a girl walking across the street who called me over. As I approached her she went straight for it. Kissing and oral. I knew after a minute or so that she's a transsexual but I was accepting about it and wanted to try this out and let her blow me. She was a little forceful and went for it anyway. I always had a bit of a fantasy of giving a blowjob. So I did do it for a couple of seconds, although she was kind of refusing to use her penis. Then, I was willing to let her penetrate me, although this never happen as I saw she was using something on me, probably a toy but I don't know. I thought she would use her penis. I was very 'for and against' everything. So I would be willing to let her do something, then I would stop and say no I can't do this. When I returned back from holiday, I completely broke down and had suicidal thoughts. I have been to therapy and still seeing a therapist. I am moving on ok now, but it still bugs me. I am not sure why. I still fantasise of giving blowjobs sometimes, although because of what has happen, I think about it everyday. I want to be, and see myself with a loving wife in the future, and hopefully with kids. I am not attracted to men, but I do love sex and do have this fantasy of giving blowjobs. This may sound simple to some of you readers, that it is just exploring, but for me it is so complicated. I always saw myself as a alpha male "want to be". I actually feel I was like this for majority of my life. A lot of my peers and the society around me are more alpha male types. But now, I know I am not. Also, there is this question about bisexuality. I am not "really" attracted to guys, like I can obviously pick out a couple of good looking guys from a bunch. But when it comes to sex, thinking of blowing turns me on. I don't really attach a body either, its a hard stiff penis I think about. And I want to have it. Strange what is happening with me right now. I have been working very hard to understand myself more. Was this encounter a huge drunk mistake? Or does it sound like I knew what I am getting into and going with my inner desires? How does this all change me? Am I lying to myself? I want to be very careful here because of society in general. Very judgmental. Plus, I read some experiences people have had of coming out and I don't want to come out and then realise, actually I'm something else. So I am here approaching you kind readers. Males, can you advise me? Females, what are your thoughts? Transsexuals, what are the true thoughts on how you approach people for sexual intentions? Sorry to say, but as growing up I, and my whole peers, have had a negative view to transsexuals, like they are a trap that you can become a victim of. That they can mess you up for life. I was feeling like this after my encounter. So transsexuals who have transitioned to females, please be honest for me. Thank you all for your time in reading this, I hope I can receive some good advice.
FWIW, I think your feelings are pretty common. If you're not attracted to guys then I don't think you're bi, exactly. I don't know whether you're entirely straight either – the usual labels we have don't really cover the nuances of sexuality and attraction. You don't have to label yourself as anything though – you just like who you like. I know it's easier said than done, but don't freak out. You're not alone. Give yourself time to explore, whether in real life or just in your mind. You don't have to come out or commit yourself to a course of action. Just live your life. There's nothing inherently shameful about being attracted to trans women, and the social stigma is getting better with time. I hope someone with similar feelings can chime in.
So, you sound like you're a little bit bicurious. But if you only seek out trans women, then you could just be straight but are curious on their anatomy. It's a difficult question to answer. Why not experiment some more while being upfront about your intentions?
Thank you for the replies. I am giving myself a lot more time to realise myself and what I am. Im too scared to try and explore with a man or trans women. I went through so many emotions that there came a point where i was so physically and mentally exhausted. I already have low confidence and self esteem, but i am working on this too. Also, being submissive or doing acts I associate females with all my life, makes me feel ashamed and guilty to myself and disgusted. But then again i get aroused so easily over thinking of blowing. This is all so confusing for me. I know its more to do with beliefs, morals, educating myself more on life and humans, on sexuality. This is the area i need more help and advice on. Because if i didnt have this encounter, which i wouldnt have if i wasnt intoxicated, none of this would be a problem. However, with that being said i have had homosexual thoughts before, many times, even during my early school days. But after this encounter, i have become so much more open minded than ever before. I would like to accept myself, because then by loving myself i am free to do what i want. But theres too much issues with my beliefs, morals, family, culture, religion, friends, and general peers. Im struggling to identify if this feelings are real or something else. So confused still.
You know, ecko007, You kind of just have to go with the flow. You did what you did freely, which shows that you had at least an unconscious desire to do so. You said that you've been turned on by thoughts of penises since then - at least in terms of oral sex. It is what it is. I understand if you don't want to experiment with this again in real life, but you can't let your previous experience weigh you down, either. If it continues to bother you, I would strongly recommend that you see a professional therapist. There is certainly no reason to 'Come Out' to anyone until/unless you even understand your own sexuality. A professional therapist can certainly help you with this. Just some thoughts.
