I didn't really know if this should go here or in "Family and relationships" because it's a lack of having/making a relationship with someone. So I just dumped it here. LOL Recently I've felt incredibly lonely, I've rarely seen friends or done much with people these last few months. I keep telling myself I'm totally fine by myself, which I am for the most part. However I don't know how much longer I can take this... I'm homeschooled and rarely get an opportunity to meet new people my age. And the few I do are also homeschoolers from really conservative/ religious families. My parents aren't really letting me get a drivers permit so I can't really go anywhere on my own. Honestly I'm just feeling really lonely.. I don't really have any "close" friends. Which is somewhat my fault. Given the only people my parents allow me to hang out with are homophobic, I usually try not to get that close to them. I just feel like what's the point? I get close so than when I come out I'll have another person reject me? But following that logic and my parents limitations I'll have no friends... It's mostly my fault for not just adopting the "Who cares what they'll think in X years we can just be happy now" attitude but that's a hard 1 to take. Especially given the fact they think because I'm from a homophobic family/community and all that I myself am homophobic so they feel totally comfortable saying homophobic crap in front of me.. It just really kinda kills me on the inside hearing my friends say those things... Especially given I usually hang out in groups and people who make the remarks tend to get laughs/nods of agreement..I just don't feel good hanging out with people who say that crap. But they're my only option. My big brother beat me up calling me a disgusting faggot, my mom made me do 17 chapters in a conversion therapy book/course and the 1 "friend" I told says she no longer wants to talk to me because of it. I just don't know how many more bad reactions I can handle... And in my situation a new friend most always means another person who's going to react poorly. Or I'll have to stay closeted too. I also really just want to like, hang out with someone comfortably. I'm SO sick of having to "like girls" and having to laugh at the homophobe jokes and not being a honest me. Getting a friend like that realistically isn't an option for me, at least not for another 1-2 years. I'd honestly give anything to just have 1 friend who I can tell I'm gay who won't judge. I'm also a extremely "closetted" atheist and I'd like to have someone who won't judge me for that. This last year I went to a mental hospital twice for major depression and I really wish I had somebody to help me get through this. Basically I'm a friendless moron who's sad he gots nobody to talk to LOL
I understand. I'm an atheist too. I'm sorry that you're going through that. Sometimes it helps to know that there IS someone or some people who will accept you for all of who you are. My parents are homophobic too and I went to the mental hospital for depression because of the homophobia I was receiving at home. It sucks. What helps me is that I go off to college next year where my parents will be far away from where I am and I'll get to major in something I'm really passionate about and meet like minded people. Are you by any chance going off to college soon or doing anything similar to starting something new?
I'm currently a Junior in high school, so I still got quite awhile before I can graduate and even longer before I can really get out on my own. Thank you for your reply! It strangely makes me feel a lot better to know another person is struggling like this. Not because I'd wish that upon you LOL But it's nice not being feeling completely alone..
