I have been going out with my current boyfriend (sort of on and off?) for 5 years now. The first year was really good and then he sort of changed? now i know relationships lose their 'honeymoon' stage eventually but it wasn't that sort of change? he started to become very controlling and manipulative, it honestly got unbearable at some points but while it was good it was really good and i convinced myself that it was all normal. I couldn't go out with my friends, i'd have 60+ missed calls, i wasn't even allowed to speak for myself, my anxiety worsened and he began to use his depression as an excuse to get his way, which of course i complied with. I felt that no matter how bad i felt, he's the one in a bad way and i need to take care of him. I did love him, alot but he used to tell me disgusting things (usually about my best friend.) I honestly couldn't look at him in the face. I eventually gained the courage to break up with him around the 3rd year but it only lasted a few days, his constant threats of killing himself and all sorts of things to guilt me back into a relationship got to me and well my dumb self took the bait after nights of no sleep and constant crying over worrying about his health. We were together for about another year and it didn't take long for him to fall back into his old ways, i gained weight, lost any confidence i had in myself, everything was slowly drained from me and i lost most of my friends. After everything i managed to work with my best friend and i broke it off, i thought it would be for good this time. 6 months went by and i started to improve on myself little by little, i met a really nice guy (who had been a friend for a few years) and it was all going great? well that didn't last too long because the guy only wanted to use me for his personal needs, afterwards he completely ditched me. I was left confused and hurt and i didn't know what to do. I bumped back into my ex and we ended up talking, he seemed like he had changed a lot, one thing went to another and after a few weeks he honestly seemed better. I never wanted to go back into a relationship with him, regardless but one drunken mistake dragged me into waking up with him and we were together again, it took only a few weeks for him to turn back to how he was and now i'm stuck. I still care for him, i can't do this to myself but i can't do it to him again either. He's constantly telling me things and planning things for us and no matter what i say, he ignores. I'm so confused with what to do and i'm scared. What can i do?
You need to get away from him. As you've written here, he's no good for you. For you're self-worth, for you physical health, nothing. His control issues are abusive and not to be tolerated. Turn your energy to your education or career and concentrate on yourself for a while. You don't always need a boyfriend. Once you're more established and happy alone, then you'll be in a better place to meet someone who is worthy of you. You deserve better. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
