I'm so confused and unsure and overwhelmed.

This stuff is confusing isn't it? I've done the same thing you're doing now in terms of "checking out" girls to see if I find them attractive and my suggestion is that you pause for a moment and take a step back. You certainly don't have to find a heap of girls attractive to qualify as being gay, what matters is that you can see yourself in a relationship with a woman and don't feel the same way about a relationship with a man. It's definitely normal to not have that "swept away" feeling come over you immediately without spending time with the person, and if you have known her quite a while then that still doesn't guarantee anything. Humans feel different amounts of love for different people under different circumstances. It's no big deal really, just take your time with it and don't rush yourself into anything. If you're worried that you might be forcing yourself to find women attractive then I'd say you're thinking about this way too much and need to give yourself a break or even just take a relaxing walk with nothing on your mind to clear your head then start from where you left off.

As for worrying about your family situation, if this is how you feel now then it's perfectly fine to label yourself whatever you think fits best. Sexuality can be fluid so really just go with what you're comfortable with now and see where things go from there.

I hope I've been of some help to you

 

First off, welcome to EC (*hug*)

I've highlighted the things that stick our from your opening statement(s).

You say you've never dated anyone. So what? There's no set time in every person's life where they have to date someone to be seen as "normal". You are perfectly fine just the way you are as far as that's concerned. Rather be the girl that nobody's had than the one that everyone's had, if you catch my drift :icon_wink

As for the emotionally abusive and unstable home - Well, it's tough for anyone who has to deal with these things, and that on top of an already existing mental illness too! I feel for you, really I do. I'm bipolar and overly sensitive to the moods of other people, and take things very personal most of the time. I don't know what mental illness you suffer form but that's not important here. Do you still live with your parents? Is there any way for you to move out and away from the abuse? Emotional abuse is usually (but not always) worse than physical abuse, because the scars left by them aren't visible. If you ever need to vent or just share your thoughts, don't hesitate to post about it on here. I may not be able to assist you or advise you, but there are plenty of people on here who can, and will, help you with your struggles.

Nothing wrong with not being boy crazy. Not many of us are. I, for one, have never been boy crazy. I didn't have a lot of crushes on boys when I was young, and even now as an adult, I don't have that many crushes on men. Yes, there are a few instant chemistry feelings when I meet someone new, but I wouldn't call it a crush. And everybody wants to be wanted, and can easily confuse the feelings of "wow, someone likes me" for a crush on said person. That's perfectly normal for anyone to go through. So don't get too hung up on that part. You're doing just fine.

It could be that we are somewhat "brainwashed" when exposed to certain things, but not when it comes to sexuality. Those shows may have highlighted those thoughts of yours, making you feel like it's influencing you in some way. There's no way for someone to "become" gay (or bi) just because they are watching LGBT-related shows or socializing with LGBT individuals. It only makes you dig deeper into your own thoughts and feelings, and might give you that little nudge in the right direction of self-identification.

Glad you had your first kiss, just a pity the way it happened. The fact that you'd wished she'd do it again tells me that somewhere deep inside you, you have a tendency to fancy the same sex, and there's NOTHING wrong with that. Whether you're gay (lesbian) or bisexual, is not for us here to say. Only you can figure that out, and that can take anywhere from a couple days, to weeks or months. It's a long process but it's worth it in the end. Just remember there are 5 stages of grief/acceptance. They are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. You will go through all of these, not in this order, and it could even jump back and forth between two or three of these before finally reaching the acceptance part. Don't lose hope.

What is there to worry about then? So you like women more than men? I see no problem here You just have to take the time for yourself to figure things out and work through all these feelings of doubt and confusion. You said yourself that you are sure you're gay, so that's that settled then. Just enjoy your feelings for what they are and have fun! (*hug*)

We all have a "type" we're attracted to. You may like one body type over another, one hair colour over another, like long hair over short hair, whatever. We can't all like all the people of our preferred sex the same.

I think it's a good thing that you are in contact with a lesbian girl, whom you happen to find attractive. And there's no need to always feel that "take-my-breath-away" feeling when you find someone attractive. You two are basically strangers to each other, since you live in different countries and haven't met in person yet. So don't expect fireworks right from the get-go.

You say you don't want to be straight. Well that's awesome! And no, you are not "making" yourself feel this way. It's your true feelings rising to the surface, and that's perfectly normal and natural.

As for the fear of maybe wanting to date men after all the issues have been resolved - that's a perfectly rational fear that many of the people on here have been through. Sounds like the "bargaining" stage to me. Don't give up, things will fall into place eventually, maybe sooner than you think. Rock on and love yourself! (!)