I guess the relevant stuff is just the last two paragraphs. Throughout most of my life I have felt alone. I do not really have a relationship with either of my parents. I hadn’t seen much of my father since I was four, and, despite living with my mother as a child, I only saw her every couple of days usually just before bed. In high school I tried to make friends, but I never felt connected or formed lasting relationships with anyone. I was in high school when I decided to tell people I was gay. Because I didn’t have anyone I was afraid of disappointing, it was pretty easy. In college, the closet seemed to somehow swallow me up again. I never liked talking about my sexuality, or anything remotely relating to that sort of stuff with people, so I never brought it up. At my university, my major is incredibly small (I think in total there are less than 80 majors. Also, my major is almost entirely male) so I knew everyone, and no one, at least publicly, was gay. I am ashamed to admit that I was too afraid to tell anyone, and so I reentered the closet for my entire freshman year. Now as a graduating junior, I am once again out publicly (for a little over a year now), but I feel stuck or bored or something, I don’t really know. During the fall, I had to take my subject GRE, which is basically the graduate school equivalent to the SAT subject tests, since I really have only ever excelled in the sciences. While studying for the exam, I realized my undergraduate program had done very little to prepare me for the test despite receiving A’s in my courses. It was then that I realized I could only rely on myself to learn my subject and decided to stop attending classes altogether in order to devote more time to studying. At first it was just a reluctance to attend my classes, but it seems to have evolved into something else entirely. Now, I find it hard to even leave the house for any reason other than exercise; often I’ll only leave if I need groceries. I'm currently one week into my classes and I have read passed the chapters we’re covering in all of them; I don’t know what else to do. My old hobbies just don’t interest me anymore and I find myself becoming more apathetic towards activities. I feel stuck and I don’t know how to fix it. I guess I just want someone to talk to or something, but I don’t really know where to go. I don’t feel depressed or sad, I just feel isolated.
What you're expressing sounds like a pretty classic case of oncoming depression (not sure if light or if you already had depression but it's becoming worse.) It sounds like your sexuality, or rather, your lack of sexual expression, might be at least partially the reason for your apathy towards previously enjoyed activities and your feelings of isolation. I know how you're feeling- websites like this forum might help you find yourself again and so might other websites like it. You might want to learn about any possible support groups in your college or near you that will help you verbally express a sexuality that you might currently be viewing as repressed. I know a lot of people feel much better after talking about their sexuality, especially if they still hold onto some guilt or embarrassment about it. Even though you've already come out before, you might still feel frustrated about it and thus, telling someone close to you may alleviate some of those feelings.
