It's been almost a year since I came out to myself. While I feel more comfortable with the idea of being gay than I did at that time, I am disturbed by the fact that it took me so long to realize I was gay. It honestly makes me feel stupid. The fact that I was unable to acknowledge my attraction to guys and to completely make up my attraction to girls makes me feel like a fraud. Because I never would have wanted to lie about being gay. I was a conservative Catholic homophobe up until last year, and when I realized I was gay, there wasn't this feeling of, "Oh my gosh, I have to pray this away, I'm going to hell." It was more like, "Wait...This is why I've had anxiety problems for so long? Are you kidding me? How did I not know this?" It just makes me sad because I look back on all the emotional struggles I've had in the past and I wish I could tell my younger self, "It's okay to be gay!" Because I don't think it's fair that I had to go through everything I've gone through. And I don't like saying that because I don't like making myself into a victim, but I just have so much regret about the whole situation.
When I was diagnosed with some pretty shitty mental disorders a few weeks ago, I felt the same and I still do. I'm angry that for ages, I lied to myself so much that I was sure I was normal, that nothing was the matter. And when I was diagnosed, everything seemed so much more organised - each symptom labelled clearly - than the mess it had been to go through and I wish I could go back now and tell myself back then what's going on in my head. Ultimately, it's confusing. Sexuality certainly can be. But you've got to look forwards and not back because life is going one way. It's been crap, and unfair and we can regret everything we've done and failed to recognise as the cause and symptoms of our problems, but don't hate yourself for not recognising your sexuality. It's easier to see what was really going on in retrospect, but you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. We need to move on now we have a better idea of who we are. It sounds like we've got a decent amount in common (not least a Catholic upbringing) so if you ever want to message, feel free to put something on my wall and maybe we can help each other.
I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm glad you got a diagnosis. Thanks for your support! I guess it scares me that I was so dissociated from my sexuality that I can vividly remember times when I was attracted to certain TV actors or whatever, some of these instances being years ago, and only last year realized that this meant I was gay. And I look at stories of people coming out, and so many people say "I've always known," and I'm sitting here like...how did I not know? I was so convinced I was straight...it feels like I was living a straight person's life for years, and I think it's because my environment was so homophobic that I guess it was a method of self-protection.
Thanks, and I definitely know how it feels to look back and see the signs you missed. I'm not one of those "I've always known" people - going to an all-boys Catholic school for years likely didn't help, as you said with self-protection against such a homophobic environment. Don't worry, a lot of us don't see the signs, however obvious they were. I can remember thinking about certain tv actors or even teachers for hours at a time, and I think now about how dense I must have been to miss the fact that I was gay, knowing what I was thinking at those times :lol:
I didn't figure out I was gay until after college so at least you realized it sooner than me. My problem was that I never knew the real definition of gay. I only knew the word to mean wimp, girly, flamboyant, drag queen, etc, but nothing about wanting to be with guys rather than women. I still don't understand how that eluded me for so long. I had crushes on TV characters too, but just thought I wanted to be more like them. I'm curious if you knew the real definition, not just the stereotypes. That's another problem where some guys think if they aren't the stereotype then they must not be gay. Some make up new names, like bud-sex, to explain away their real sexuality. At least you know now so try not to dwell on the past. Easier said than done, I know.
No, no, no, you are looking at this 180 degrees the wrong way. You shouldn't feel stupid for not seeing this earlier, you should instead feel very, very, very proud of yourself that you see it now. We all understand that this has been one hell of a journey for you. Trust me, you are far from alone. I feel confident in saying most gay people would see you as hero and some one to look up to and aspire to. Use your experience to help others. Gay it forward.
Thanks, guys, you're the best. I feel pretty conflicted lately because I was very firmly committed to my Catholic belief system, including its teachings on homosexuality, abortion, and modesty, before I realized I was gay. I was also a staunch Republican, and was against gay marriage. And now I feel totally betrayed by Catholicism and the Republican party. I'm still Catholic and I still consider myself a Republican because I don't think I should just completely delete my entire identity by abandoning my religion and my political ideology. But lately I find myself wondering, is it healthy for me to attend a church that doesn't believe in my right to marry a man? Is it healthy for me to be a Republican when the homophobic messaging coming from Republican politicians messed with my head for years? My parents are both Republicans, and even though they're okay with me being gay, I think they would be disappointed if I were to become a Democrat. Even so, I voted for Hillary Clinton (which was more of a vote against Trump than it was a vote for Hillary) and they didn't give me a hard time about it. But I feel uncomfortable, like I can't really speak my mind around them...any advice?
Hey daughtry, I'd love to reply to your wall message but you don't have a wall it seems. Maybe you've turned it off? Sorry for replying here (and in your other thread), but I couldn't think of how to get hold of you.
Still can't reply I'm afraid. Go into 'Customise Profile' on your page, then check if the wall things under 'Profile Privacy' and also 'Edit Options' (under Settings and Options) on the left of the page. If you select the options for allowing contacts to view and post to your wall under 'Visitor Messaging', I think I will be able to reply to your messages. Sorry it's such a bother!
