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Long day

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Spot, Jan 20, 2017.

  1. Spot

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    I doubt anyone will read this, since the title is lame but it doesn't really matter. I always feel depressed and this was simply a long day, I had too much to think about, I was put through too much. I'm not going to make a big lead-up to what I'm about to say or make it all dramatic because that's just going to waste time and I don't feel like beating around the bush basically: I cut up my arm and then I was going to take a bunch of pills. Really, I regret not taking them but I was thinking about what would happen if I survived. I've already tried to take them before, I tried to take extra of my SSRIs because I thought that made you happier and I used to steal codeine pills from the medicine cabinet so I'm going to die of renal or liver failure anyway, I don't want to increase my chances because who knows, maybe I'll actually be happy at 40 or whatever. But I washed these ones down the bathroom sink, it wasn't enough to kill me I don't think, I took half of what I wanted and then my brother and mom woke up so they would've seen me.

    And I was about two or so months free of self-harm but I knew I was going to do it again sooner or later. I don't know why I'm talking about it because I've talked so many times before, including with 7 professionals and yeah, obviously that didn't work. Well, no one thinks I have any real problems, like gender dysphoria isn't real I guess and all I need are some clichéd words of encouragement and to write out my goals or what would make me happy. My goal is to run away, change my name and never see my family or "friends" again but apparently that's not going to happen and isn't a real goal. Actually, my therapist is right, I've tried to run away and I don't have enough money nor a place to go so it isn't achievable and therefore isn't a realistic goal. And the only thing that would make me happy is if I was born XY and that isn't going to happen so there's nowhere to go from here. And I'm just a sad child who sits around doing nothing all day, according to my mother at least, so why should they waste a whole room, food and money on me? I mean, it's true anyway, I don't do anything. I don't want to, I don't want to live.

    I'm supposed to go back to school in two days counting today, it's 1AM but I guess that doesn't mean three days. I'm not going, I don't know what I'm going to do yet but it's not happening. Maybe school doesn't sound so bad but let me explain. I don't want to wear a long skirt and have my hair tied back in a ponytail with a blouse that clings to my body so I can see the painful lumps on my chest and my hips and my weak arms, I don't want guys asking for my number and touching me, I don't want to hear my stupid voice, I don't want all the girls asking me why I don't wear makeup or if I want to come on some "girls' day" or if I'm a lesbian and I'm certainly not going to prom in a dress and heels like my counselor seems to think I am. It's just not happening. Although, since it probably is happening, because I'm too scared to kill myself and too stupid to work out how to run away, I'm going to have to do it alone too. And I mean that I literally have no friends. I used to but I stopped seeing them this two months because I decided I'd rather be alone. My excuses ended up sounding so fake, I didn't even bother replying to the last text. I don't feel bad about it but I don't want to come up with any more excuses when I get back to school. If I do.

    Maybe I would have friends if I weren't the saddest excuse for a human being in the world, I am pretty sure I might literally be the least interesting. I don't do anything. I'm not good at stuff so I don't want to do it, I just fail all the time so why bother putting myself through the embarrassment? I mean, I used to write but I deleted most of the things I wrote, I never got too far with them anyway and they seemed godawful so...they're deleted now. I don't feel too bad, I feel somewhat relieved because I don't have to see them all the time now. See, most kids my age probably go out drinking and partying and smoke weed or whatever, I hate alcohol most of the time and I don't like socializing but at least they're doing something. They've got like everyone's number, they've got social media and have probably had multiple partners. I don't like texting or social media but the thing is, if I were a normal person I would and that's what's wrong. And I've never had a boyfriend/girlfriend. I've never held hands with anyone or kissed or lost my virginity. But I know why, it's because straight girls don't want to date someone who's basically a girl and neither do gay guys. I've had people ask me out but I can't say yes because they don't really know me. They're straight guys mostly and if lesbians hit on me, well they wouldn't want me either. It's just that nobody can see me, I can't even have friends if I wanted them because they can't know me or they'd leave.

    I've been trying really hard to pass lately, I don't want to cut my hair though. Well, I do but I'm afraid that I'll look all messed up and won't be able to change back, plus people will question my sexuality more and that actually gets on my nerves. But I've been trying to learn all the masculine mannerisms and keep my voice low and bind my chest. It's uncomfortable. Sitting and standing with my legs apart feels like a strain on my hips and I don't do it super wide or anything, I do it normally, I get all sweaty from layering and my chest feels constricted from binding, my throat starts to hurt when I have to use a fake voice all day. And for what? I don't pass anyway so I'm just making sure I spend my time in immense discomfort. I'm not going to pass, even with hormones and all that. I'm kind of not thinking about it anymore. Obviously, it's going to kill me inside but I don't think it's going to be a reality. So instead, what would make me happy is being prescribed sleeping drugs and strong anti-depressants but my counselor said he's not going to do that so I have nothing left.

    I don't really know where to go from here so I guess I'm asking for advice. If anyone's been reading, thank you.
     
    #1 Spot, Jan 20, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2017
  2. Creativemind

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    Hey, sorry to hear you've had it so rough. I understand depression and self-harm all too well. Just last March (almost a year ago) I had purposely overdosed on my pills in a suicide attempt (which obviously did not work, otherwise I wouldn't be here to type this). In all honestly, I do not recommend it. The chance of dying from pill overdose is very, very low. You'll just wake up in a hospital, be puking all the time, can barely walk or use the restroom without assistance, and end up in a mental hospital for at least a week.

    That said, I still empathize. There have been days where I just didn't want to live either. Depression is a horrible disease and at times feels like there is no cure.

    Do you have dress code in your school? Is it a private school? I'm not trans, but I personally just don't like feeling all that feminine either so I just don't wear skirts or make-up or any of that. Nobody said anything about it, and I wasn't even a guy. I can't imagine how much worse it is to be a guy and be forced to do that. Your school seems extreme.

    It can be hard to make friends even if you don't have depression. I only have one to this day, and It's long distance. But you definitely need to work on depression or confidence before friendships will be possible, unfortunately. Is therapy and medication not working at all? You don't have to drink or party, I never did, and I still had some friends in life. It takes finding the right crowd.

    As far as dating, have you considered bisexual men or women? Not all of them will see you as your physical sex, most will see you as your true gender, but are still an easier option since some straight women and gay guys are hung up over the physical. But still, some aren't.

    You're also quite young at this point too. I mean, I'm 26 and I'm still a virgin with no dating experience outside of long distance relationships. Being single and a virgin is pretty normal at 16, and a lot of people who say they aren't tend to lie for bragging rights and peer pressure. I'm not saying this because I don't empathize or anything, but I'm just saying it because a lot of people don't get much experience until their 20's, so there's still hope there.

    From what I know about passing and transitioning is that sometimes it can be a slow process and that it requires patience. Hormones do help a lot but you aren't going to get instant results either. If you pick up the little things and stick with them, you'll see more progress and gain more confidence each day.

    Anyway, that's all I have to say. I hope life gets better.
     
  3. Spot

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    Thanks, I don't really know what to say so I'll just answer the questions I guess. But I already knew the way that pills killed you, I didn't care except now that I know the chances of dying are so low, there's no point in doing it. I tried to do it before, I stopped before it was too much to kill me but I just felt sick and went to sleep. And I wanted to be sent to the psychiatric ward but people thought I was joking, I don't know what I have to do to prove I'm serious.

    It's a private religious school, I don't know what the religion is. I don't go very often but I know it's some Christian thing. And there is a uniform with separate designs for the boys and girls.

    Medication and therapy don't work because the counselors feel too uncomfortable talking about gender dysphoria with me so then I feel too awkward bringing it up. And then we never get anywhere because that's the only problem I need help with so there's no point in going. The medication is too weak to do anything but my doctor doesn't want to put me on anything stronger.
     
    #3 Spot, Jan 20, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2017
  4. Spot

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    By the way, I can't tell anyone that I cut myself or that I want to take the pills because they're going to out me to my parents if I do. The school counselor already said that if I kept coming to school depressed, she'd have to tell my parents and I can't let that happen. I'm not feeling any better and no one knows it, no one even knows what happened in the first place. It's strange because usually after I have suicidal thoughts I can be cheered up again and get back into a routine but this time, the things that usually cheer me up aren't working and I don't know what to do. I just don't think I'm going to get better, sometimes it seems that way but I always end up here.
     
    #4 Spot, Jan 22, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2017