Hello. I've been away from posting on EC for a while, but I just want to have some feedback of some kind. Last Winter/Spring I was sharing bits of myself on EC: acknowledging the struggling of my sexuality openly and wanting to experiment with that whole part of myself as a person. That had been there in my life as traces of some feelings(platonic/sexual) had been aimed at certain male friends as I had shared on some posts. It's hard to define an accurate label for myself in defining my sexuality. My sexual experience is limited since I've just received handjobs and done the same. I never beyond that scope with the few individuals(guys namely) I've "hooked up" with. Defining my sexuality has been a hard subject for me to identity because I felt the pressure of conforming to heteronormative norms of guys my age(I'm 25) of having casual sex with a few females around my age. I admit I have had the random sexual fantasies aimed at females or thought about females, but I haven't had sex with a female whatever. Though the thought of learning about someone having sex with a girl had always emasculated me as a man because I felt my masculinity diminish. That thought had often felt the need to constuct a preference for wanting some relationship with younger people(18-22). I have explained that subject a bit on some older posts(if anyone is interested in reading that, you may). An another subject that I have touched on the forum is my off-and-on cycle of substance abuse particularly alcohol. I admit for no shred of hesitation, that I am an alcoholic. I've done the whole AA thing for almost three years(off and on) and off and on part of a college recovery center. But I've just keep placing myself in situations with people who have alcoholic tendencies or dabble into recreational drug use. Alcoholism has plagued me the entire time I've been in college and I've suffered countless relationship issues, some academic issues, some mild health issues(not chronic but getting over hangovers I mean), some issues with family. It got out of hand last year when I had befriended someone I considered a close friend(I talked about this quite in detail in my older posts), who is just as alcoholic as me and I developed platonic/some mild romantic/sexual feelings towards. It was a real confusing time for me because I had all these feelings I was experiencing from the situation but drinking and using as well. I never experienced such things as before as having a friendship that was codependent, addictive and sprinkled with the feelings I was having. I distanced from that person last April because of a variety of things that fell apart. I got sober for a while but I wasn't working a program but I was going to meetings to a degree. But slowly I reconnected with that person and we slowly built a degree of communicating. We didn't drink at first just using FB Messenger as a means of communicating. We met up to drink twice last Fall. The first time everything went well and I thought things were looking well for us. We didn't have no incident from the first night. The second night we met up, shit just got out of hand. Instead of going to one bar like the first night, we ended up at three bars and I ended up blacking out and downtown at some sober unit. The whole experience was shitty for me and it scared me to not drink again because it felt like the end of the drinking because of what happened me from that night. My mental health seems to fluculate. Most of the time in college I have suffered from anxiety/depression/adjustment issues/social anxiety. I've been perscribed anxiety medication and antidepressants and anti-psychotics. And if anyone will tell me, yes, I'm aware of the risks of drinking while taking psychotropic medicines. The psychiatrist that was prescribing my meds in my undergrad years had warned me about it, but I tended to ignore it. I often thought it was more dangerous to take the meds while drinking at the same time, rather than waiting to drink after taking my day meds and skipping my night meds. I thought that mindset was what the safest thing to do and also I read about all the guys on Bluelight boasting about the cocktails they dabbled in(which I never attempted). I think that mindset caught up to me in December when I went out that final time drinking because I blacked out and the whole experience scarred me and my current psychiatrist told me directly the risks involved of drinking and taking my medications. The feeback I want, is trying to figure out to define my sexuality because I feel that I still can't place a label on myself. It's hard to say if I'm bi or bi curious or whatever. I know I'm not purely gay or straight but I'm somewhere within the middle tier of the sexuality spectrum. And why did I feel inclined to having some feelings towards some male friends. I would appreciate some feedback on that. Second as I progress to navigating soberity again, I just want to know why I often placed myself in situations involving alcohol and drugs. I've talked about the subject in my older posts but it seemd that part of my life intersected with relationship/sexuality in the past 2 1/2 years if anyone has followed my post. If people want to ask me questions about my alcohol and drug use and relationship intersection, I wouldn't object since I have nothing to hide on that scope. The same thing with my mental health .
I know you asked about labels at the end of your post, but I'm starting with the drinking. First piece of advice - set some strong, clear boundaries for yourself. One I would suggest is not hanging out with people who drink, period. I would also suggest keeping yourself in a regular program. You know these steps have been helpful for you - don't convince yourself to turn your back on them. I mention this first because, from what you've written, it sounds like this is impinging on your other concerns - it's causing you to skip medication, which will increase your struggles with anxiety and depression, which will in turn make it more difficult to become familiar with your own sexuality. Don't deny yourself the tools you need to get through this.
I am still sober and I am taking my medication as prescribed. I am not skipping my medication like I've done in the past. I am already exhausted from the whole "6 year merry-go-round" of alcohol, weed, occasional pills I dabbled in. And I was tired of what negativity it brought to me and the people I was surrounding myself.
