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Long rambling post about my shitty life. Feel free not to read

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by rch1, Jan 24, 2017.

  1. rch1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm so lost right now. I don't know why I'm writing this or what I even want to write about but everything is just so off. I've been pretty depressed for like.... a long time now. I can't remember the last time something went my way. I guess a lot of that is my fault I kind of stopped trying. I've been trying to figure shit out in my head for so long that I've stopped actually living life. I started at a new college in September and here I am beginning of second semester I still have no friends. I haven't even tried to make friends. I go to class, sit in the back and don't talk to anyone unless they talk to me, then come back to my dorm room and lay in my bed until I go to sleep. The amount of time I spend alone is insane I think it's slowly driving me crazy I don't know. I used to be fairly social too I don't know what happened....

    I have friends in my home town. Good friends actually we hang out whenever we're on break. But they don't really know me. They have no idea I'm gay. And I don't think I can tell them either a couple of them are pretty homophobic it would fuck with everything if I told them. I love them to death but they're your stereotypical assholes honestly. The only one whose not like that is the one who was probably my best friend in the group.... but I fell in love with him. I told him everything too after 4 fucking years of having crazy feelings for him. He's straight though and he's been about as good about as possible but shits definitely weird now. This fucking kid though you guys have no idea. He's fucking perfect.... you know how they say to follow your dreams and shit and that you can achieve any goal you want if you work at it. He was my dream... he was my goal... he was all I wanted for 4 years. And now everything just seems kind of hopeless I don't know. Life seems kind of hopeless.

    I told him like 4 months ago right when school started I guess he's definitely part of why I don't have friends here or anything. But it's more than I don't know. I want some gay friends I guess but at the same time I'm scared to put myself out there. I don't even know who I really am anymore honestly. Everything is just so jumbled in my head. I think part of my problem is that I care wayyyyyy to much about what people think about me and even though people tell me I'm chill I'm scared about that awkward stage of meeting new people and hanging out with people for the first few times and telling people about myself and shit like that. It's easier to lay in bed and watch 16 straight episodes of some shitty show on netflix.

    I don't tell anyone about myself anymore....my friends back home all talk about their college experiences and the crazy shit they do with their friends and I just kinda nod and laugh along with them and never tell any stories of my own. And my parents I tell them about classes which by some miracle I did well in first semester despite doing literally no work, but nothing social at all. I'm literally just there, slowly fading away. And my family has no idea I'm gay either. That one friend is literally the only person who knows. I fucking hate being gay.... and it's now like anyone would ever guess I'm pretty masculine and shit. My two biggest intrests are sports and hip hop music.... I feel like I won't fit in with the gay community even if I wanted to. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere I guess. Anyway I'm sure my parents would be fine with it but I don't know I think I've subconsciously held a grudge against my dad for the last like 2 years.. I caught him texting another girl, someone from college or something shit maybe they used to go out who knows. But he was texting her things like remember that day we went to the beach that was one of the best days of my life and I can't wait to talk to you again blah blah blah shit like that. Basically he loves another woman. I confronted him about it he said he was sorry and would stop but I still see him texting her. I'm not gonna do anything about it because it would destroy my mom and probably destroy my family and it's not worth it. My mom is awesome but she's really fragile and she's constantly worrying about my younger brother. He's in 10th grade I think he constantly gives her a hard time and he's just a weird kid I don't know. I actually get along pretty well with him though. The other day my mom was talking about him like why isn't he normal, what's gonna happen when he goes to college shit like that. And then she started saying I'm so glad you're normal and sheverything asked me if I thought I was normal and I was like sure mom.... I don't know man I'm pretty sure I'm not normal. So yeah anyway I don't even remember why I started talking about my family but I don't feel like I want to tell them all this personal shit.

    I've been single and crazy lonely for 21 years now... never even kissed anyone or anything. I guess maybe that's why all these thoughts have built up and started to really get to me because I keep them all bottled up. I know I should probably see a therapist for all this shit. I saw one at my old school like fall of 2015 to talk about some of this stuff and he helped me but I just felt really uncomfortable and vulnerable the whole time. And going again is like admitting defeat. Like I can't beat this stupid fucking depression by myself because I'm some failure or some shit. Shit man I don't know anymore..... I don't know why I wrote all this I know no one really gives a shit about my life story. And why should they honestly. Fuck it whatever man I'm going to sleep
     
  2. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    South Africa
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You are right in saying you need to speak to a therapist. Losing interest in things you once enjoyed is a sure sign of depression. Bottling up emotions will screw anyone over. I'm glad you got it all off your chest by posting here. And don't think for one second that nobody here cares to read through your post. We're all here to support each other. I mean, you posted in the "general support and advice" section, so that means you are reaching out to someone, for help or at the very least, support and advice.

    I know it's hard for you to make new friends, but I think that would be a good thing for you. You can be honest and upfront about yourself from the get-go and if they still want to be your friend after that, then that will certainly lift your spirits a little. Please don't think you have to go through this alone. I understand that you don't want to come out to your parents or your other friends, but maybe that would be a good starting point. Just to clear the air. And if your friends don't want to associate with you anymore after learning this new information, then I'm sorry to say but then they weren't really your friends. True friends accept each other, and support each other, no matter what is going on.

    Don't give up hope. There's always something to be grateful for. I mean, you woke up to fight another day. You are healthy, you have all your senses, and you have a wonderful mind. Don't let it destroy you. Do you have any hobbies or interests that you can practice to get your mind off everything that, to you, seems to be going wrong? You will get through this, I'm sure. But you're going to need professional intervention. A talk therapist at first, and they will then refer you to someone with more experience if they can no longer help you. There's always someone willing to listen to you, willing to help you be a better person, and feel better about yourself.

    Things may look dark and scary at the moment, but as cliché as it may sound, IT WILL GET BETTER! So just keep on keeping on and take it day by day. Hour by hour if need be. Just don't give up. You are strong, and special, and you are here for a reason. And don't focus on finding someone special to love at this stage. You need to work on yourself first. Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup. So build yourself up to where you wish to be and everything else will fall into place, with less effort that you may think. I hope this helps, and I hope that others will also give their 2c and advise you on where to go from here. Chin up, you are worthy.