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Afraid to talk to parents

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Guff, Jan 26, 2017.

  1. Guff

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    Hello.
    My issue is that a couple months ago, I came out as gay to my parents.
    I came out to them well in a mental hospital I was in for depression issues hoping being honest would help me conquer my depression.
    At the hospital they were "extremely supportive", as you'd expect them to be when told in a room full of therapist/doctors/social workers who were deciding if I can go back home with them.
    Anyhow I went home 2 days later and they really backtracked their "supportive" attitudes from being "We accept you and will help you no matter what" to more of a "Just be thankful we didn't kick you out" sorta attitude.

    The last time my parents and I had a real serious talk about things was quite awhile ago, they ended it on A I may not come out to anybody well living under their roof, B When I'm an adult (I'm 17) if I do come out I must delete all my social media/get a new phone/number/move out of town so nobody they knew could possibly know I'm their child, C if I do come out well living with them I'll have to see a therapist to help "change" my orientation, D They'll financially support me as long as nobody they know knows I'm gay, E I'm still expected to do a lot of babysitting for my little siblings but may not in any form attempt to make them think homosexuality is okay, F In the future if I ever come home to visit I must go back in the closet, G if I ever get married (unlikely for someone ugly as me LOL) they aren't coming and H they want me to know they think my "choice of lifestyle" is unacceptable and they are disappointed in me.


    Since than I've just kinda lived normally as I could, neither my parents have or I have really talked about things. Originally, I did truly adopt the "Yes! they aren't disowning me!" mentality they tried to give me. And I was relatively satisfied.
    But lately, things have started to get to me... Sure they aren't financially cutting me off, but if they're so embarrassed by me that they don't want anyone to know someone like me is their child, would send me to conversion therapy if anyone knew, won't allow me to try to convince my family I'm not terrible, want me to know they're disappointed in me, want me to delete all social media/contacts after coming out and have downright forbidden me to tell any of my friends I'm gay. Maked me kinda feel like, they are disowning me in a way... Obviously not literally but they've made it clear if the community knows they have a gay child they will cut me off. Which leaves me feeling, did they even accept me? Sure they're willing to force publicly closeted me to not try to change anyones mind and tell me I'm a disappointment well supporting me but they would give me up if people found out... It feels like They are willing to make due with "me" as long as I follow every single rule they put in place but aren't actually okay with the real me...
    Something that really has gotten to me is my parents said if my soccer team finds I'm gay I'll be kicked off. Which is like, my dads the coach?... And my mom is the team coordinator?... If I got kicked off it's not "the team kicking me off" it'd be them kicking me off. I somewhat pushed this point awhile back but my dad said "You know M would quit the team if I let you stay on it if he knew you're gay" essentially meaning my dad would kick me off for being gay before they'd let another persons kid quit like a whinny bigot because he has a problem with his son...

    I want to try to re-open the conversation tonight after all my siblings go to bed.
    I don't necessarily even know what I'll be fighting for... But I just no longer feel satisfied with how things are. Originally I was, I was totally happy/okay with how things are but I guess I've gotten greedier because I don't like it anymore..
    Again I don't even know what I'd be pressing for them to change, probably just try to stop them from acting as if I need to be "grateful" to them for treating me like this. Any advice on what I should say?
    Should I even say anything? Have I become to greedy and asking for to much now? I'd hate myself if I acted to self centered and requested more respect than their even okay with giving..

    Sorry this post is gigantic
     
  2. Barbatus

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    Hi Guff,

    First, you are not greedy for wanting more recognition from your family. What's happened, it seems to me, is that you have tasted what it's like when people know who you are and now you realise what your parents are denying you by trying to keep you closeted.

    Speaking to them and asserting yourself is going to be good for in the long run - it'll help with depression and be good for your self-esteem. As for speaking to them - you need to have an idea of what you are trying to achieve. Are you wanting to just express your view about things (i.e. that being gay isn't a choice - its absurd to think that it is if bring so much difficulty in life, particularly where you live)? Or are you thinking that you want to focus on specific things (for example, that you want your parents read some material on being gay)?

    I guess the first thing to do is figure out what you want to cover with them - maybe you just want to tell them how much is upsets and hurts you that they would prefer to keep you miserable and lonely than risk other people finding out.

    Maybe think about holding off speaking to them until you have an idea of what to say? On the other hand, being spontaneous might help you say what you really think. Sorry, that probably isn't helpful but it's your call.
     
  3. bunnydee

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    Omg... you are going through what I went through at 15. Almost to a T. I was weak-minded and very insecure and gave in and went through conversion therapy. DO NOT do that under any circumstance.

    My suggestion would be, if you have the self-confidence to do so, get a job, save money, and become self-supportive as fast as you can. Do not go back in the closet just for them. Find a way to make it on your own and be true to who you are. Don't let them control you or force you to be somebody you are not. You will spend your entire life regretting that if you do.

    If you can be self-supporting financially, you don't need them. If I had to do it all over again, I would have stood my ground, gotten a job supported myself, on my own or with roommates, gone to college with grants or scholarships even if I had to wait until 25 to start college. Instead I gave in, went through conversion therapy, had them financially support me through college and uni, then still never lived my life because of conversion therapy and them always in control because they were in my head. So I ended up married young, in a straight relationship, never truthful to who I am.
    45 years later I am finally coming to terms with the damage I allowed them to do to my self-esteem, and my life. Please don't let them do all that to you.
     
  4. johndeere3020

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    Hey Guff
    Please take this as what it is, just advice, in the end you will have to make your own decisions.

    A. "Living under your parents roof you may not come out."
     
  5. johndeere3020

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    Hey Guff
    Please take this as what it is, just advice, in the end you will have to make your own decisions.

    A. "Living under your parents roof you may not come out." I imagine you would have to abide by that rule.
    B. "Deleting social media, phone number, moving out of town ect." After your 18 your parents can't force you to do any of this. It seems to me you parents are more ashamed of their gay son than their gay son is ashamed of himself.
    C. "Changing your orientation" PLEASE DON"T agree to this! The homosexual feelings may subside for awhile, maybe even years but they WILL ALWAYS be part of you and WILL return to the surface in time.
    D. "Financial support" You may need this when starting in life.
    E. "Baby sitting" Your siblings will make up their own minds about you as they become adults.
    F. "Visiting home" I would never "go back into the Closet"
    G. "Marriage" That is their choice. Can't force them to attend.
    H. "Choice of lifestyle" It's NOT a choice. GOD DON'T MAKE MISTAKES, we are as he intended.

    This is what I would consider doing in your situation:

    1. I would find a college or trade school depending on what your interests are, if unknown at least start a 2 year Liberal Arts degree.
    2. Contact the schools financial aid office and ask what you need to do to get ready to attend their school. They will point you in the direction for completing a financial aid packet. There are grants and all kinds of loans available for tuition, lodging, and food and supplies available. You will have your whole life to pay back any loans. If you get a job thinking you will go to school in a few years it will prob never happen and you will regret it as I do.
    3. Your parents are protecting themselves by not embracing their son, maybe consider staying on the DL at least until you get enrolled and started in school. Depending on which state you choose there may be countless chances to be yourself and thrive on your own.
    4. In the future when your relatives and friends ask why you left tell them the truth "That's what my parents said I had to do because I AM GAY." There may be more understanding people in your community than you realize. When I told my brother I was sitting on the edge of the bathtub crying and shaking so bad I could hardly keep the phone steady. I thought I was going to loose my relationship with him. Just the reverse happened, I am closer to him than ever before. This was only about 3 months ago.

    Just my thoughts,
    Your friend Dean