First date? Lunch. Need advice

Hi there,

From my own experience with online dating there are people whom i know I am attracted to right away (physically), but become unattractive to me when I meet them in person (personality). Or not attracted to them physically, or just not my type, but then meet them and become attracted to them, and then become my type.

After an end of a relationship , my friend gave me the advice of putting myself out there and just going on dates. So far, most of the dates I have been on was a one and done. Only one turned into a friendship thing, which is nice. You don't owe anyone anything, and as long as you feel safe and comfortable to meet them, there really isn't any harm in just testing the waters. Even if things don't work out romantically, you can probably gain a friend from it.

The more dates you go on, the more comfortable you get going on them. There must have been something about this person that interested you enough to message them. If the person isn't giving you any alarm bells like you shouldn't meet them, I wouldn't miss an opportunity.

 

This is how I feel too.

Tanman, you may find you are attracted to him after meeting him. A lot of the time I'm not really attracted to someone until I know their personality. If things don't work out you might make a friend, or at the least it will be a learning experience.

 

A few years ago I was in your shoes: newly out, with little dating experience and no idea what to do. I signed up for a dating site to try and put myself out there, figuring I could maybe get a couple dates under my belt just to get the experience. I'd messaged a few guys here and there, and one of them I went back and forth with quite a bit. He wasn't necessarily my type and I was concerned because he was a few years older than me, but I figured what the hell. We were talking about restaurants and I asked him if he wanted to get tacos at this place in my neighborhood that I loved and he'd never been to. He said yes.

During that first date I was mostly just trying not to fuck up. It certainly wasn't love at first sight, but I definitely felt like it was going well and I enjoyed his company. We agreed to a second date and gave each other a quick goodbye kiss at the end. That's when I felt the sparks fly.

Long story short, May 1 will be our 3-year anniversary.

Bottom line: go for it.

 

Hey TanMan,

You've already received some great advice on this thread. For my part, I would echo some of what Sawyer said and just say to simply give him a chance.

Definitely don't back out! What is the worst that can happen? That the two of you don't 'connect' when you meet in person? That you make a fool of yourself? That the lunch date is awkward?

When dating, if you don't take a risk with being unsatisfied, embarrassed, etc, you will never get anywhere. (And that's especially true when you are dating someone that you've never met face-to-face before the first date.) In my opinion, the best way to look at dates such as you are describing is that they are an adventure and you have nothing to lose, but (hopefully) everything to gain. Just be yourself on your date. If things 'click' then GREAT! If not, so what? You can always take away lessons-learned from each date so that the next date (whether it is with him or with someone else) might go more smoothly/be less awkward, at least from your point of view.

Just some thoughts.

 

You already gotten some great advice. I wanted to respond to the shy part. I have always been overly shy to an extreme. The one thing that really helped me was taking a public speaking class. It won't help for this date, but will do wonders for the future. Just remember this guy has never met you irl right? So he doesn't know you are shy. Pretty much like the old saying 'smile until you believe it', you can put on the air of confidence in yourself until you believe it.

 

Definitely go. Maybe have an (internal) list of questions to ask when the conversation runs down. Where did he grow up? What's he like about his work? What's his favorite (or least favorite) movie? These topics can be chatted about at length, and you'll get a better sense for whether you mesh at all.

Lex

 

Even if you don't end up with a boyfriend, you may end up with a boy friend.

 

As for running out of things to say: it happens in every date, but the conversation quickly picks back up, even though it may seem like an eternity

I am excited for you, and it is okay to be nervous. He is probably just as nervous as you!

(*hug*)

 

Don't be nervous, just be yourself! Good Luck kid!
Dean

 

Pauses in a conversation are totally normal. Don't feel the need to rush in to fill the emptiness. Take your time to figure out what you might want to talk about next.

Lex

 

Congrats on a Success!

Just being able to say you didn't worry about what others may have thought is a BIG accomplishment. You should feel Great!

 

I am glad your first date went well!

 

Hi TanMan,

I think you should stop trying to "force" this to become a relationship. It either will or it won't. He's offering you friendship and possibly a group of friends to become part of their friend group. Will you mesh well with this group and become part of the group? I don't know, and you won't either until you try.

At the very least, even if you don't end up being attracted to him enough to date him, you will be increasing your circle of friendships. I think you should go for it whether or not you end up in a relationship with him.

Take care. ride:

 

Great advice^^^