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HOCD - Something isn't right (need unbiased opinions)

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Hocdhelp, Feb 5, 2017.

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  1. Hocdhelp

    Hocdhelp
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    Hey guys,

    There is something very very wrong here.

    I've loved girls my entire life and I've had sex with close to 20. My biggest goal in life was always to have a wife and family and be the best husband that I could and I was/am still so passionate about that. I've also struggled with a bad porn addiction that had/has been going on for as long as I can remember. I've been struggling with HOCD for about 3 and a half months and I've had OCD all my life along with my mom and grandpa. I've never in my life had a gay thought until my HOCD started and I've been through all the anxiety filled nights and no sleep. Lately, my anxiety has been almost entirely lifted. I had thought I had beaten my HOCD a few times but it always came back with a vengeance. Right now, I am terribly scared. It almost all happened over night. There was one night where my mind told me to look up naked men and I was panicking and so I gave in. Of course I started off wondering why I listening but eventually I became aroused. Ever since then, it's become very easily to be aroused by guys. Almost like my brain has become rewired to this stuff. I have no desire to do anything with a guy at all but my mind keeps telling me that I do. My sex drive for girls has dropped to basically 0 and now I just feel depressed. Something has to be wrong here. It almost feels like it's a matter of time before my body betrays me. The no anxiety part is killing me, like I'm almost ok with this happening. I don't understand how 21 years of girls girls girls can disappear over night. It's hard to even think about sex with girls but when I think of sex with guys I somehow get aroused. I don't know what to do. I have no desire for guys. I would do anything to feel normal again and back to my old self. This isn't me at all. I have hope though that my brain has just temporarily rewired to this stuff but as I stop porn and masturbation that it will go away with time. Can anyone offer any advice?
     
    #1 Hocdhelp, Feb 5, 2017
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    Hi,

    First, both for your benefit and for the benefit of others reading this post, let's clarify something: If the symptoms you're describing are related to your OCD, then they are related to OCD, not to HOCD. There's no standalone disorder called "HOCD" any more than there's a condition known as "locking locks OCD" or "flipping light switches OCD". There's no credible research identifying a standalone disorder.

    So ordinarily when someone comes to EC with a history of OCD, and reports repeated "checks" to make sure they're not gay, it's pretty clearly attributable to the OCD, and, as in your case, there are other OCD-related symptoms.

    Now... you indicate you have had OCD all your life. Is this diagnosed by a psychological or psychiatric professional? This is an important question, as you'll see in a moment.

    Most commonly, someone with an OCD-related obsession about their sexuality will constantly check, discover they have no indication of same-sex arousal, and continually repeat that pattern.

    In your case, however, what you're describing isn't from OCD symptoms. People with OCD-induced obsessions about being gay would not find arousal from thinking about guys, and would not find masturbating to thoughts of guys arousing. They'd constantly check, but would get no response. I realize this is the last thing you want to hear.

    It is difficult coming to terms with this, and even more so when you have an anxiety spectrum disorder going on. What you experience -- having absolutely no awareness of being gay and then, suddenly, at age 20, finding you do, is less uncommon than you'd expect. A surprising number of people live their lives for years and one day wake up and find that their arousal toward the same sex has suddenly unleashed itself. This isn't rewiring by your OCD; it isn't possible for an anxiety spectrum disorder to do that.

    What is also entirely normal is, upon discovering this, to have really extreme, unmanageable anxiety. No one *wants* to be gay, so the discovery of same-sex attractions is extremely upsetting to most people. And the feelings really aren't changeable, unfortunately. As people process loss, (in this case, loss of being perceived as straight), they go through stages: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

    Most likely the lack of desire for guys is coming from a wall of denial that you've built up to keep you away from the authentic feelings. This, too, is a common experience for people just moving past their denial.

    Now... it's possible that I'm misreading the circumstances you describe. Yet, if I'm interpreting what you've said correctly, I don't see anything that would indicate that your symptoms arise from OCD (though the OCD may exacerbate and intensify the anxiety.) One of the best things you can do is try and relax into the feelings and do your best to see what it would feel like to accept and love yourself as you are. I know that may seem impossible, but often, when people are facing this level of denial and anxiety, as they are able to simply let go and embrace it, they find the anxiety falling away, attraction and arousal to same-sex partners intensifying, and then, suddenly, things start to make sense.

    Please keep talking about it... this is one of the best things you can do to help yourself work through the process and get to whatever outcome is right for you.
     
    #2 Chip, Feb 5, 2017
  3. Lexington

    Lexington
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    Welcome to EC!

    As Chip alluded to, the thoughts you're having don't appear to be OCD-based. When someone is struggling with gay-related OCD thoughts, their mindset is generally something along the lines of "I'm turned on by the opposite sex, my relationships with the opposite sex haven't been very problematic, and I've never been turned on by the same sex or same-sex porn...but I can't stop thinking that I might still be gay." Or, to sum up quickly, "despite there being zero signs of me being gay, I keep thinking that I might be." What your post suggests is something of the opposite mindset. "I'm finding myself aroused by the same sex, and by same-sex porn...but I'm pretty sure this is just the OCD talking."

    There's one other bit of evidence that what you're going through isn't OCD-related.

    Let's say your OCD took on another form. Hand-washing, or checking the appliances constantly. If you were having problems along those lines, where would you go for advice? A site about personal hygiene, or one about appliance repair? No, most likely you'd go to a site dealing with OCD. But you didn't do that. You came to a site for people who are actively questioning their sexuality, or else have already accepted their non-straight sexuality.

    My suggestion? If you really do think this is OCD-related, that's fine. Go tackle it as you did all of your other OCD-related issues - be that therapy or medication or peer support. Because if it IS OCD-related, handling the OCD will take care of your sexuality issues. But if you find you're still being aroused by guys, to the best of your ability, ENJOY IT. None of us signed up to not be straight. But many of us have managed to live pretty awesome lives as non-straight people (or gargoyles).

    Lex
     
    #3 Lexington, Feb 5, 2017
  4. findingjoy

    findingjoy
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    But were you sexually aroused by women the way you are about men? Having a goal of having a family and wife is different than having sexual desires that might not align wit htat.


    I don't think we're allowed to list other sites but google porn addiction, PMO, or your brain on porn.
    True that porn addiction can make you seek things that are more and more 'intense' and sometimes porn addicts can get 'hooked' on things that are out of touch with their sexual tastes.

    If you really want to find the answers with to this try taking a 90 day porn and masturbation break. again there are places you can google for support doing this. I thought I had HOCD and did this. During this time I slowly accepted and realized that I was gay.


    .
    eventually you became aroused.. or finally you accepted that you had those feelings? I know this isn't what you want to hear but that's what I was saying to myself too, it must be rewiring, my body is 'betraying' 'me'.
    I didn't want to be gay, so it must be something else.


    Try the 90 day break, go to some porn addiction sites/ help groups. I did this and I really really wanted it to be HOCD but slowly I accepted that I was gay- eventually I became very happy and comfortable with that. However there are rare cases where HOCD was the answer - and there are a couple of posters here who discovered that, but mostly people here, honestly, will relate a lot of your thoughts and feelings to denial.

    I suppressed by gay feelings for decades...it's amazing what rationalization can do. But when I finally confronted it and worked through it, I accepted being gay, but really deep inside I knew I was gay all along.


    Could you accept you being gay?
     
    #4 findingjoy, Feb 5, 2017
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