I'm just posting on here because it would be nice to get others' opinions, and since I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. I've basically reached a point where I'm looking at my last 10 or so years with unhappiness. I'm in my 30s, single and lonely. I went from being somewhat proud of where I was heading in life (sorry if I sound arrogant, not my intent), I was working in a better job than most peers, doing well in school (Deans List and all that), feeling optimistic/happy, had a few good friends, to being in a shitty job with a stalled career, living with parents, single, no close friends, or friends who have gotten married and are no longer close. Essentially, I have very little to show for the last 10 years. If anything, I've only experienced negative events over these last few years: being fired from one of the jobs, trying a new career and failing, being involved in a car crash which took years to recover from physically and mentally, and having a parent diagnosed with cancer. All of this kinda boiled up to the surface with my last vacation that I went on. I've come back from it and instead of feeling re-energized, all I'm doing now is feeling anxious about my life, and looking back at what has happened over the last 10 years with regret. I saw a few places that made me realize how much more there is to see that I am not seeing while the years are ticking by, and won't given the way my life is currently going. I saw kids (in 20s) doing all the things I didn't get to experience, yet I could have, because there is nothing really worthwhile that I gained by going almost straight into a job after university. I'm scared of the fact that I am in a job which I hate without much hope for it to change, but at the same time, the thought of leaving to start from scratch at 32-33 doesn't sound comforting. A part of me wants to quit what I'm doing now and run away for some time - go travel around as though I was still just out of school and experience some happiness/fulfillment. I want to have the good friends I once did, those that share the same values and interests as me, and who will be there for you when you need them and vice versa. Then come back and do something that I would love, maybe pursue my childhood dream of being a pilot. All of this conflicts with the fact that I now have aging parents, who want grand kids, as do I, except I'm not even close to being in a position to deliver that. It feels like time is ticking by faster than it ever did before. I was just out of university so not long ago, but in reality 11 years have passed. I have no doubt that my sexuality fits somewhere into all of this mess in a non helpful way. I have always told myself that I was bi. In reality, I've only had sexual relationship with guys. The few times I could have gone with girls all the way, I stopped, either because "she wasn't the one" or "I'm not going to be like the other guys and I have morals". I came out to a few of my friends recently as being bi. Parents have never been told; they are still waiting for the daughter-in-law and the grand kids. In the last year or so, I've actually tried being active on ****** to meet some females, but without any luck. When I switched my profile to being visible to males, I ended up getting way more matches from guys than from girls. That just felt discouraging for my ability to attract any females. On my recent trip, I ended up meeting up with a guy solely for sex. This was the first time in 5-7 years that I was sexually active with anyone. Up to this point, I would for a long time not bother trying to meet anyone because I got tired of the online process. Being very physically active up to the point of the car accident kept me busy enough that I seemed to be fine without any sexual encounters. More recently, I did start checking out guys online but didn't go the distance to actually meeting until this recent trip. And now that I did, it didn't really go that well. I'm sorry for getting graphical. The arrangement was for me to be the top. I started off aroused after oral but soon after starting anal sex, the arousal started dying. Things ended with the guy shooting his load, while I couldn't do the same. I felt pretty shitty, as though I let him down. I sent him a few messages after the fact, but never heard back. The reason I brought up the sex, is because, even though it went the way it did, I ended up being attracted to the guy and wanting to spend more time with him. I've been thinking about him, and how I could have done things differently. It also turned out that he has a gf; knowing that, I can accept that my ideas aren't realistic. He is doing the things in life I wish I did when I was younger. What bothers me is that even though I might not have "performed", he hasn't responded back with some sort of acknowledgement of my apology for not performing and just some thoughts. At the end of the day, I felt that I treated him nicely and with respect. The thought of being alone and not with someone like him is now part of my overall negative feelings of how my life is at this stage. That's basically it. I'm pretty lost; part of me feels like labeling this as my late quarter life crisis. Sorry for what is likely a very unclear tangle of differing thoughts that I wrote. If anyone has to share any opinions or experiences, I would love to hear them. Thanks for reading.
First off, sorry to hear about the car accident and the cancer diagnoses. If you dislike your job to the point you don't want to get up in the morning; its time to find a new job. A lower paying job you enjoy is better than a higher paying job you hate. As much time as we have to spend at work, enjoying it is important. I feel you about the whole not being where you want to be part. I look back to and wonder where it went of track. Sometimes we jump and fall on our ass and sometimes we fly. A job you like would help you feel a little better, and that would help you meet people to be active and do things with. No matter how hard we try parts of our lives bleed over and affect other parts, and people can sense that.
I agree with Shorthaul. If you are not happy with your life, change it. Do what you want to do now. You don't want another ten years to go by and look back and say I should have.... Starting over in your 30's isn't the best, but it isn't bad either. I changed careers completely in my 30's and was happier for it. Even though I started out making less, it was in a field I enjoyed and I think because of my attitude I was promoted faster than anyone else in the company and ended up making more at the new job than I did or could have at my old. One thing I am learning on this self-discovery journey is that life is way to short to have regrets in the end. You have got to stay in the moment and find happiness.
