Growing up in a homophobic/super religious environment I've always been told homosexuality was a choice. I 1st realized I had same sex attractions when I was 11. (However I convinced myself at the time it was normal and was a phase) It wasn't until I was 15 I finally realized I just am not attracted to girls. Shortly after turning 16 I finally admitted to myself I'm gay. And actively started searching the web for information to help change me. I absolutely was DEAD-SET on becoming straight. Reading online hundreds of articles of why homosexuals are terrible and reading "They should just die" "They should be put to death" "Kill the queers" etc. I swore to myself subconsciously I'd kill myself at age 17 if I wasn't cured yet. Anyway I turned 17 fell into a depression tried to end my life and stufffff luckily failed and learned to accept myself. These last few months I haven't allowed myself to reconsider the possibility of "changing" anymore and in my opinion have done a great deal of self acceptance. Anyway I moved into my big brothers old bedroom not way to long ago and well going through some his stuff the other day I found this book I think was called Sexual integrity with God or something like that. The cover had a photo of a girl wearing lil clothing and this boy looking the other way up at God with a big smile on his face well she looked like "Seriously!? No attention" LOL It looked hilarious so I opened it and read the chapter names they were also awesome LOL "How to mentally block out breasts" "Where you're not allowed to stare at girls" and etc. Anyhow the very last chapter that they called a bonus chapter LOL was "When you like boys" it was only 4 pages long and spoke about how homosexuals are only gay because they were sexually abused as kids. The primary message was ignore modern day media it IS a choice and you CAN change. It ended with these links/phone numbers of "Safe places to chat" to help you discuss your homosexuality. Curiosity got the best of me and I checked out the links. 1 of them was to this website which the best way for me to describe is simply empty closets. Except for advice on how to live happily in the closet rather than get out of it. Reading through those peoples stories and watching them support each other in conquering their sexuality and seeing all the love and compassion they had for each other and all the "straight married" homosexuals making it work kinda made me feel bad about myself.. I for the 1st time in months fell back into this feeling of I can/should change and hope of it being practical. I didn't even log onto EC thinking all this site is doing is making me think my craziness is okay when it's not. I've finally come back around and know it's not a choice and that I'm totally okay again. But gosh, I totally fell back to square 1. Didn't last very long but felt awful well it did. I almost asked my parents to help me fix this (Thank goodness I didn't). After seeing myself so easily fall back into that mind set, I wanna know if anyone has any advice on staying out of it. Sorry this thread is long any help would be highly appreciated
Maybe learn a bit more about your religion. After all, even if it was considered a sin, Jesus died for you and therefore at least junior was in favor of homosexuals. Maybe Daddy wasn't that convinced earlier on, but things can change. And from what I know your God is pictured as a loving father. And as loving fathers don't abandon their kids. Put away the stupid books and get yourself a liberal church.
One suggestion I have is to look up Matthew Vines on Youtube, or get his book "God and the Gay Christian." Vines is a brilliant scholar, still in his mid-20s, who has taken a thoughtful look at Scripture and found that it actually is far more supportive of LGBT people than we are led to believe. Another is to do your best to surround yourself with healthy, supportive people who will encourage you to be yourself, and not to try to change to be someone you're not. A third is to think about and embrace your sexual attraction and your sexual self. Many people raised in religious environments are very uncomfortable thinking about (let alone talking about) their sexual selves, and that creates guilt and shame. Yet, when you recognize that we were created and are hard wired for sexual pleasure (among gay men and among men and women, and among women and women), we should absolutely embrace and enjoy our sexual selves as an important part of who we are. If you're alone, it means learning to love and appreciate solo sex. If you're with a partner, it means giving yourself to that experience. The more we let go of the shame surrounding that part of ourselves, the easier it is to feel healthy and happy about who we are.
Religion is the root of all evil. Its caused so many pointless wars throughout history, lives lost & for what? Something that is a myth & not tangible? You were born the way you are. Its been scientifically proven that being gay is not a choice & is genetic. You have no choice in what you are, not any more than than the choice of needing oxygen to survive. You cannot change who you are & if you go through life trying to change that, then you are only lining yourself up for a life of mental torture. This drives me insane. No true believer of any faith would chastise someone for being who they are & force them to be something they are not, just because of what they have read in a book. No one knows God, no one has ever saw, met or spoke to him, so all these religious beliefs are based on pure fiction. It can't be easy growing up in an environment like that, but if or when you are old enough, I say take yourself out of it for your own good. Living a lie will only lead you down a bad road. You will be forever unhappy trying to pretend who you are. If your family doesn't agree with your "sinful" way of life then that's unfortunate, its your life, not theirs. Always stay true to who you are & never let anyone dictate how you should live your life!
I watched a movie once on Youtube that got me thinking, it was called Prayers for Bobby. In it there's talk of an alternative understanding of the bible and the idea that homosexuality is acceptable in christianity. So i'm sure if you look, and its something you want, there's probably a liberal church out there you can join. I'm not religious myself so i can't help you much there. I decided to let go of religion so i could have self esteem and actually learn to love myself. OH YEAH there's a self proclaimed pastor on younow called Dr.Greg!! I watched him once or twice he seems like he knows what he's talking about. You should check him out if its something your into.
I guess I should've added, I'm personally not religious. I just hate this feeling of disappointing my parents, not having any kids "naturally", not being weird, having a tiny dating pool, knowing I'll lose friends and I can't imagine what it'd be like on my family to think in their minds I'm going to spend eternity in damnation. If I thought someone I loved was going to meet that fate I'd probably feel awful. I just saw all those people "making it work" in straight relationships and I just felt like "If they can do this, why can't I?". I know it was pretty stupid of me.
We've spoken before Guff and touched on this issue a bit, so I would urge you to go back and read some of the messages we have shared - if you still have them. Christians who believe homosexuality to be sinful and disordered focus in a very narrow way on a few passages from the Bible. In actual fact, it's fewer than ten passages out of the thousands contained in all sixty six books and if you know the Bible well, you will realise that those passages are not as they first appear and are read well out of context. You will also know that there is far more condemnation of sexual sin amongst straight couples... but this is not a competition. Even if you are not religious, it's worth spending some time learning about the "clobber passages" so you are better prepared and more resilient against fundamentalist attacks. Follow Chip's advice about looking up Matthew Vines and remember what I told you about Exodus International too.
Guff, please, please, please, don't try and make yourself straight. Don't marry a girl thinking it will make you straight. I am begging you, it will only post pone and not fix what we are. Dean
