I think I am going to kill myself tonight...

NO PLEASE NO. Call a hotline! Do you have anybody else you can stay with for a while? Even a few days? I don't know what your mom's like but i grew up with a pretty shitty mom myself. PM me if you want details but long boring story short, she's the reason i gave myself all the scars i have and debated suicide countless times. For months now, until around when i found this place to be honest, i was gonna do this too. Kill myself to escape having to feel the hurt and betrayal of her going off on me again. I mean ive already accepted the fact that she cannot find it in herself to love me no matter what, but even knowing that facing it again...i just am not convinced i can take it. I know i can't, not without the support of people on here and the idea in my head that at least people at work are good to me.

But finding this place and finding the Troy and Chase youtube channel...its shown me that suicide isn't the only way out. Cause every time im at the edge i'm faced with this reality: I genuinely do not want to die, i just want the pain to stop. I like living in general. I like coming on here. I like seeing my cat when i get home cause she's so sweet and loving and affectionate. I like it when a customer compliments me - customers at my first job actually gave me my first real compliment in my life, the only good things i ever have to say about myself are things they have said to me. I like it when a supervisor is really nice and friendly to me, like the potentially gay supervisor boy whose my age and once went out of his way to ask if i was okay. There's still things i want to do. I want to have a real license in my hands and the independence of owning my own car. I want to get my dream job even if i wont make much i could survive on my own income from one job and its a job that i can move and still be able to get a job easy. I want to be financially stable and move out. I want to come out after i move out and am financially stable. I want to explore the world of dating.

I don't want to die i just want the pain to stop that's all. Does the same hold true for you? PM me if you want, i'm always up late so i'll be awake.

 

as a mom myself my heart aches reading your post. I really hope you can get help, and find peace.
Do you have anyone you can talk to like a therapist or school counselor? Someone you trust? And do you have friends or family close by that you can stay with in case your mom hurts you?
Im not sure if anyone here knows, but maybe some can offer a number to hotline so you can get local resources in case your mom hurts you or tries kicking you out.

 

DreamonRose if you are still reading on EC, CALL for HELP now!

You can call the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text them at "Trevor" to 1-202-304-1200.

 

Thank god your okay! I was worried about you. I know full well it doesn't replace your mom but know that you have us, okay? You've got me and everyone else here whose talked to you.

 

If you're not safe, get all your money together and install cams all over the place. If you do so the police could take care of you.

Get an emergency plan. Maybe there is a friend who would take you to their place.

If you are not outed, do your best at school. Save and get passive income so you can leave at the very date of your 18th birthday.