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I really want to die tonight

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Chewbaca, Feb 12, 2017.

  1. Chewbaca

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    My mom just came in my room and asked me if I was "one of those butch dykes" because she says I've been dressing like a boy recently and she read through my messages and she says I go after all of the really pretty girls.
    People at school already call me a stud and at first it wasn't offensive. It was alright but now I feel like I really want to just cut my life short tonight.My mom took my phone so I have absolutely no support tonight. She makes me hate who I am. I told her I wasn't trying to transform into a boy because that's what she thinks I'm doing but she doesn't believe me. I'm tired of my life. Every time I try to be true to who I am, something happens and I go a few steps back. I just really want the pain and confusion about how to be true to who I am to end. I'm tired of people seeing me as a stud. I hate my life and I want to die, but I don't. I just don't feel like I have any other option. I feel like a lost cause. I've already been hospitalized for suicidal ideation before. Honestly, my days at that hospital were much more relieving than it is at home. The people and the kids were accepting unlike it is at home. I just cant take it anymore.
     
  2. AlexJames

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    I can sympathize with this so much. My mom's been shitty to me without her even suspecting i'm gay. She thinks i'm graduating and finally coming around to what she's wanted for me my whole life but i'm not. I haven't done online college for quite a while ive just been telling her that as a way to stall. For most of the past year i've been terrified to the point of suicidal ideation of the inevitable confrontation. Until literally a few days ago i had it all planned how it would go down when she found out. Not because i wanted to die, but because i didn't see any other way out. I legit didn't even buy a 2017 calendar this year cause i was like why buy one i'm gonna die anyways. But coming on here has helped me to accept myself and i'm trying my damnest to think positive, think forward. To imagine what i want my life to be and figure out what i need to do to make it happen. I hear you. My home isn't accepting of Failure!Me let alone Lesbian!Me. They have no idea of the latter. I've nearly been kicked out once already. But i'm accepted at work and on here and seeing all the youtubers who've came out and been welcomed helps a lot. It will always hurt that my family won't love me no matter what, but it helps so much knowing there are people out there who give a damn.

    Sorry for the novel. I can tell this is really hurting you. I don't mean to invalidate that at all. Please, can you hold on anyways? It won't be like this forever. Me and i'm sure everyone else here on EC are here for you.
     
  3. DreamonRose

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    I was reading this and you don't know how much I can relate. I was in the hospital for 9 days for the same reason and honestly it was just a break from my mom. I had a gay friend in there . No one judged me in there. I had a similar thought tonight but the same person trying to talk you off the edge talked me off earlier. I didn't think about all the people that could be affected by my suicide and the ones who will be affected by yours is probably a high number. I know I haven't met you but if you died I would be sad because I couldn't stop you.
     
  4. Jax12

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    I can't imagine what you're going through. You have our support here at EC. While it may seem like you have no one to go to, you have a community that is here to listen.

    I'm here if you need anyone to talk to. PM me if you'd like :slight_smile:
     
    #4 Jax12, Feb 13, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2017
  5. Chewbaca

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    I'm still alive. I just cried myself to sleep last night and my mom is still justifying her behavior saying that she has a right to ask questions trying to see if I'm trying to "become a boy" because she's my mother. My life really sucks.
    This girl in my class was telling a story talking about these "two dykes" that's tried to hit on her and her friend and she kept repeating the work dyke like nothing was wrong with it. I felt so uncomfortable because she knows I like girls and that term is offensive. I was one of the ones she was telling the story to. I just don't know how much more I can take of feeling different and out of place. My mom probably would rather me die anyways than turn into a little boy. I'm tired of living.
     
  6. sonic1337111

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    If there are any extended family members or siblings that support you then you could try and visit them just to see if it's any worse or better than when your with your mother. don't worry i like to think everyone in the community as one big family (&&&)
     
  7. Jolly Hermione

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    Just don't give up.
    Life's a fight. I believe everyone here knows this, some might know it better (like you), others might not experience it that much.

    You should try and ignore them. It's hard, I know. I also know that the internet can help, but not really when you need someone who can take you in their arm and tell you that everything's going to be okay. Not if you need someone you can go to.

    But we are always here. Don't give up.
    I was once about to kill myself, to be honest. I didn't do it, because I was afraid of hurting myself, otherwise I would be gone.

    Life has become a bit better since. Not really, but still.
    It might seem dark and you might feel alone. Just know that there is one person out there for you. Waiting for you and if you end your life, you probably won't get happy. Do you really want to die suffering instead of being loved?

    Don't give up. If you fight now, you will grow stronger and you might be able to conquer the world one day.

    I'm sorry about this long post, I hope I didn't offend you in any ways. I'm actually crying right now...

    Just know: It wil get better!
    If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you, if you want to.
     
  8. kavu

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    I know everyone before me has already said this but, it will get better. It's hard to see that light in the future, but it's there. Even if all you have is darkness around you now. You have so much potential, so much you've yet to experience. There's people in the world who will love you for exactly who you are. There are places waiting for your presence, and foods you've never tasted that you'll someday come to love. My point is that the pain you're feeling is real, but it's temporary, don't let it defeat you. You deserve so much better.

    I'm totally open if you ever want to chat...about anything. no judgments. :wink: it may not seem like it now, but there'd be a tremendous hole in the world without you in it. Please, don't give in. All of us at EC are here for you. :slight_smile:
     
  9. Ljjgreat2017

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    Please don't hurt yourself. Your life has a lot of meaning. You deserve to be on this planet. Please don't kill yourself. You are loved by this community here. I understand it may seem that suicide is the only option but you must hold on. I'm sorry for all that you're going through. There has to be something positive in your life that will keep you here.
     
  10. Justinian20

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    I have the same situation because I like feminine makeup and nail polish, my mother seems to think I want to be a girl. It fustrates me more than makes me want to kill myself as I know who I am and I'll never be untrue to who I am. So just stay strong and realize that your mother has a very stupid view of your gender expression.