SO in 7th grade I met a girl that was bi and I told her I don't know what I am. I started hanging out with her and her friends who allll happened to be some type of gay. I had never really thought about girls that way but to fit in I kinda went along with everything. We messed around sometimes on the bathroom counter. We were reckless and we skipped class to make out and do stuff. I was too young to already be into that stuff. But I really enjoyed it and I caught feelings for her so I identified as bi because I had never really thought about what it meant about guys. So then we dated for a few days and broke up to just be friends. We were bestfriends for 2 years. I didn't go in liking girls but I came out of 8th grade with a secret. So in 9th grade I thought about how I never found any guys really attractive. Never had feelings for one they were all just my bestfriends. I was then thinking maybe I was just gay. Then I was just confused because for some time I thought I was trans. I really didn't think I should have been a girl. I wished I was a guy but I pushed that out of my head. So one day I skipped class with another girl to so stuff and we got caught and my counselor outed me to my mom and she beat me so I pushed all LGBT stuff out of my head. She told me I was a follower and I was straight so I went along with that. I just keep thinking maybe I am nothing out of the ordinary maybe I just think I am gay because of being with that group. It might not make sense but I don'r know what else to think because I never had any feelings like that before kissing her. Or maybe that was just my way of finding out. In 9th grade I fell for a girl superrr hard. I was like inlove. Then I didn't think it was fake because she didn't push me into anything..actually she was perfect. Now I am confused again because alot of people say they have always known they were different so what am I supposed to think. I found myself late and it would benefit everyone if I was straight but still I don't think I am. Honestly I don't even know. I don't know what I am going to do with my life but I need to figure it out because it is causing me alot of stress. So if anyone has input that is fine and if not then that is also fine.
All the signs were there from when i was like 12, for me, but i didn't know what they meant. I just explained it away in my head and repressed anything remotely sexual until these past few years. I've gotta go eat dinner but perhaps someone else on here has something more helpful for you.
These things are always difficult to determine, because it all comes down to self perception, and what ultimately makes you happy. I think part of the anxiety can come from just that fact that the term "gay" is a label, and humans like to label things when they fit all the related criteria. But if you don't think you fit the criteria, or the criteria of any other existing term, then you will likely feel very confused about where you fall on the spectrum. On the other hand, the anxiety can come from not knowing if your gay feelings are worth changing your whole outward and inward persona for. You don't feel like your straight and yet that's the road of least resistance. So you then fee like you need to ignore anything else, no matter how big or small. The best thing I can suggest is that you do two things: 1. Ask yourself specific questions about who/what you like and what you feel like. Asking yourself clear "yes or no" based questions may help you to form a clearer picture of who you are. 2. If you're able to come to a conclusion about yourself that you are happy with, don't necessarily feel like you need to act on it right away. Obviously this goes against the very name of this forum, but sometimes we all have to lay dormant for a little while until its safer to come out. I'm still doing that as we speak, but I know the day will eventually come. I wish you the best in working through your problems. And I hope I've been able to help.
