This is a bit stupid because it was triggered with the death of a dog. It wasn't my dog but my cousin's and I'm still so upset right now. I knew these thoughts were coming back sooner or later anyway. Might as well be sooner. This was like the sweetest dog ever, besides our puppy and I loved this guy so much. So, he was only 11 months old and we got the news today that he's passed away He had a terrible death too, a total freak accident, which makes it all the worse. Pass over this bit if you want: Basically, he was home alone, all day and found some shoes to chew on. My aunt and uncle work 24/7 and my cousins are at school. The shoes had these bits of steel that no one seemed to be aware of and when he bit into them, it cut his mouth and he started bleeding. When my aunt came home this afternoon, he had already been bleeding for hours and by the time he'd gotten to the vet, he'd passed away. And I'm literally crying because my cousin's dog died. It might be a bit weird. I love animals, especially dogs. I can't think of a dog that I haven't loved, like really loved. This guy was huge even for a puppy (he was a Bull Arab) and all slobbery, if you pet him you'd get all these short little white hairs all over you like a blizzard. He had the sweetest eyes ever and was really clumsy, it was hilarious because he'd just knock everyone over without even realizing. I didn't even believe my mom when she said he was dead, I didn't think she was joking but I just didn't want it to be true. I mean, it just doesn't make sense. I saw him about two weeks ago and he was fine, he was gnawing or more like gumming on my arm and I thought it was all cute, he was just playing but it did leave a red mark for a while afterwards :lol: How can just die like that? And from something so preventable? I didn't even know things still died from blood loss. This is where it starts to get really dark. I was already feeling really down, I posted in another thread about that, it's not too important I guess. And after this, especially after getting into an argument with my mother too, I am starting to wish that I was dead again because all the good things are dead, I don't know any living people who care about me. I mean, I think I can safely say that I love most people but I don't know anyone who loves me back. And that's okay for a little while but it starts to get tiresome. I'd really like to be with this puppy, my kitty Archie, my younger sibling (should've been 15 this month :tears, my great-grandmother and great-grandfather and my Oma and Opa instead. Even my two little goldfish, Perry and Penn, I miss them too. They've been dead for at least four years. My mother and father don't love me anymore, it just stopped somewhere along the line and yeah, you can feel the change. They just tolerate me. My living sibling literally hates me. My friends have left me for better people. My extended family just sort of ignores me. It's kind of like when I visit a different country. I always feel slightly out of place, I don't know the language, I am a total stranger to everyone. And that's what living feels like. I feel like every moment is just like this big culture shock because I just can't fit in with others, I don't understand how other people do it. All the ones who love me are dead. My grandmother might love me but she's been acting weird since I got a Valentine's Day present from a girl. So I've just had this dull ache inside me, all night. My mom asked me if I want a day off tomorrow because I am physically sick and honestly, I think I'm just going to take the offer because I don't want to deal with school on top of this. I've been listening to music all night and just sitting here in my bedroom. I just played the first song that came to mind and that was Helena by MCR which gives me the slight hope that God is real because part of the chorus is, What's the worst thing I can say? Things are better if I stay And that's all that's been keeping me alive, if I wasn't listening, I would've been taking pills right now. I have pretty strong meds because I'm sick so I'm sure I could easily overdose. I know the chances of suicide via pill overdose are low but I would do it even if it meant just severely injuring myself. Literally, the worst thing to admit to myself right now is that I have to stay alive. But that fact that "things are better" is making me think that I'm not in the right state of mind and I just have to push through this for it to see the good side of living, because there is a good side, even though I can't see it now. I know I sound really unstable right now, probably because I am but I'm still going to be alive tomorrow. And probably the next day and the next. In other words, I'm not planning on killing myself any time soon as long as I feel there will be some kind of purpose for me eventually. But very soon I'll have to try and sleep, I'll be left alone with my thoughts and that scares me. At worst, I'll self-harm or insomnia will kick in, I'm trying to fight those two off though. I'd really appreciate advice on how to cope because I'm feeling ever so slightly okay as of now but I feel like the slightest touch is going to unravel everything :help::help:
Hey Spot, First of all I am sorry for your loss. <3 That dog sounded very sweet and the death of any pet you are close to (whether or not it was yours) is very sad. I remember when my bird died I cried for what felt like forever. I know that it might feel like nobody loves you, but I am sure that that isn't the case. I know it isn't the same as being face-to-face, but you have a whole community of people here who care about your well-being. I think that talking about how you feel in itself is helping.(*hug*)
Hi spot. Or is it Colin? Which do you prefer? I'm so sorry to hear about the death of the dog. I get like this too - sad things totally unrelated to me will make me depressed when i dwell on them. I found music to be a longtime support system for me as well growing up. Music and youtubers were there for me when no one else was. Still are, really. This site has helped a lot. Gerard was right with those lyrics. When i was a teenager, their song "Famous Last Words" is what saved me. I'd been on the edge of suicide but something about that music video and the lyrics just clicked with me. I had the motivation and the inspiration, watching that video and learning about the story behind it, to keep going. To this day even if i don't listen to them much anymore i still have warm fuzzy feelings regarding that song. It still means a lot to me and i get a bit of a happy adrenaline rush if it comes on. I know its rough right now but if people like Gee got through their shit, so can you! That's what motivated me anyways, for the longest time. Just drown in the music for a while if you need to. Do whatever you enjoy if you need a distraction. I love video games and watching game of thrones and will literally go all day doing one or the other.
