There's a guy at my school who has a lot of the same problems as me, social anxiety, depression, hyperactivity, etc. He's 17 and I'm 16. I don't know how to describe it other than I hate seeing him but I couldn't do it without him. And I say that I hate him because all we do is complain and we want to die, he just depresses me and I depress him. But we stay together and we complain together and feed each other's mental illness. I can't tell everything about his home life because I promised I wouldn't but his parents suck. They're extremely religious, own a church, his dad's a pastor and his mom's a chaplain. What I hate about them is they can't accept that their children aren't the people they expected. He wears women's clothing and likes ABBA, he likes boys and girls and cries over documentaries (which is the sweetest thing ever). And I feel like his parents intentionally try to break him and his siblings down, trying to rebuild them the way they planned. I don't think I've hated people so much in my life. But that's just some background, it's not largely important to the thread. The thing is, we can joke about wanting to die and giving up on life, how much we hate life but there's always some truth in the statement. It's never just a joke. It's like truths disguised as jokes almost, or rather we realized how stupid we sound but can't shake the negative feelings. We can give a half-hearted laugh but when I look at him, I still see this same tired expression and I know the same look is plastered all over my face. I just feel so empty when we're together and all I can feel is this overwhelming feeling that nothing will ever be okay again. I don't think we could be considered friends because he'd sacrifice me and I'd sacrifice him. By 'sacrifice' I mean, when the teacher feels like being an asshole and asks him a question in front of the class, I'm just relieved it's not me. There's just this huge wave of relief when I realize I'm safe. I actually think it's funny and he feels the same because he always laughs when I get called on, he doesn't care. I would never offer to do something he'd been asked to do and he wouldn't do it for me either. We don't really protect each other, just fend for ourselves. It's partially because we can't really stand each other. But I need him around and he needs me because I can't stand the idea that I'm alone in this world, I feel so detached from reality and I need to see myself in someone else so I know it's okay I guess. This feeling is mutual and it's more like "if I'm going down, I'm taking someone with me." A lot of friends I know have those songs that are "their songs", ours is No Children by The Mountain Goats. Every line is just perfect except "I hope you die," I can't imagine how either of us would survive if the other died. This just sucks. Sometimes we can pretend that things are okay. We're not dating but it's nice to just forget all the bad things and pretend we're normal, feeling like we'll always be there for each other and everything's just swell, that we actually love each other and don't just depend and leech on each other. That we're a happy girlfriend (me pretending to be normal) and boyfriend and we're good Christians who's families get along perfectly, we love everyone and have such good friends. Sometimes I just think we should get married just like this, just fake our way through life because this way, our families stay happy. My parents can have a happy, Christian, straight daughter instead of a depressed, agnostic, (probably) bisexual son. His parents can have a happy, Christian, straight, masculine son instead of a depressed, bisexual, atheist and feminine son. Our parents can have the wedding and all the grandchildren they've always wanted. When I feel like this, all I can think is "this must be love." I don't know. I don't even know what I'm doing :eusa_doh: This is unhealthy, right? I mean, it's not called a friendship, is it? I don't think so but this is the closest feeling to friendship I can imagine. I really need help, for both of us, before it's too late and we do something dangerous :help:
sounds unhealthy to me... you seem to be fueling each other's I suppose negative view on life and self. Why not reach out to a counselor at school? Just reach out to someone. There are school psychiatrist and therapist at most schools especially in the united states. You could always reach out to an LGBT center or call a hotline for LGBT in crisis or just a mental health line. I remember at your age I use to buy cheap throw away phones.. cost 10 dollars. Could easily scrap up that money in a month or two if you take your lunch money...even do chores for money or take on a simple job like mowing lawns and such. Use that cheap throw away phone to call a LGBT crisis hotline to at least have someone to talk to and your 'friend' or whatever title you wish, can even be present during the phone call.
