Two years ago I was very depressed for about a year and then recovered. I was starting to think I would be fine but I've noticed some of my familiar symptoms creeping back over the past month or so. I don't know if I can do this again, especially now with the added pressure of high school and gender/sexuality issues. The worst part is that even though I've been through this already and know things can get better, I don't want to get better. I know it's the depression telling me that, but all I can do is stand back and watch while it pulls me under. I'm aware of what's happening, but I can't stop it. I fall apart whenever I'm under the slightest bit of stress. I also had a crush on someone I'm friends with and then found out they're transphobic a few weeks ago. I hate myself for not being able to cut off my feelings for him, even though he would never accept me as I really am. It seems like everything is happening at once and I want to just stop the passage of time.
I'm unsure how to help, because the same exact thing is happening to me. What you described is me down to every last detail, except the crush part. It really is terrible and I don't know what to do - perhaps we can just be here for each other and talk when we need to I'd be glad to do that if you wanted to, but I hope that things can get better for both of us regardless.
If you don't mind me asking, what helped you recover last time? The very fact that you have gotten through this before should help somewhat - you are clearly a strong person who was able to survive a very challenging time. Now similar feelings are returning, it may help identifying what got you through before. This is so common in people with depression - please do not beat yourself up for feeling this way! By recognising this is the depression talking you are already making a massive step in the right direction. The best advice I can give is to focus on doing things without thinking 'This is so I can beat depression'. Outsmart it. Keep yourself busy simply for the sake of being busy. This will be difficult, I understand, but even a few extra tasks each day can help chip away at the inviting feeling depression can have. You do not have to enjoy the tasks - the reality is that you won't - but I know that this helped and still helps me, so perhaps you could try it. Perhaps it is worth reading about 'Stress tolerance levels'. My counsellor gave me several articles about this, and it may help you accept yourself more. There are legitimate reasons why you are finding it particularly difficult coping at the moment, and don't compare yourself to others and how they are coping. The essence of 'stress tolerance' is that we all deal with similar things differently. There is no 'wrong' and there is no 'weak'. Please remember this. You are not alone. I'm sure you know this. By putting your feelings down here, and recognizing what is happening, you are already demonstrating strength and courage. It takes a lot to tell anyone your feelings, even strangers on the internet. If you are not already receiving it, and if it is possible, I'd urge you to seek professional help if you feel you are not coping. I am not sure how the system works in the US, but a professional such as a school counsellor can help guide you, reassure you and even simply provide a safe space to talk about what is happening. Talking is key here - do not allow yourself to become enclosed. You are worth listening to and your feelings are worth talking about. Again, you are not alone. EC is a great place to see that; drop a message to me or pretty much anyone - especially EC Advisors - if you need to vent, talk or just want to chat about something different, to distract you. Take care. Sketchy x
