Hi, I thought I'd come on here and share with you how fucked up my mind is. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, and I've attempted suicide once. Lately I've been in a rut, I've forgotten my purpose, my reason for being alive. I am in my final year of school, and I already can barely handle the stress. I recently turned 18 and had a party, which I got super wasted and had a blast. With no hangover! I've been really depressed lately, I can't think straight, I want to sleep all day and just do nothing. I hate this, this feeling of doubt, as if I am not worth anything in this world. I want a relationship, I'm lonely. My boyfriend dumped me over text saying: "I can't love someone I don't love" the day after my birthday he did this. Asshole. He led me to believe for 4 months that he loved me, and prior to that, another 6 months. I just want someone who is not going to fuck me over, someone who actually cares for my feelings and how I feel about things, someone who will take me into consideration and not disregard me entirely. Have you watched Glee? The relationship between Kurt and Blaine is what I wish for, obviously I know that that kind of love only happens in the movies, but that's what I grew up with, I want that cute love-dovey relationship. I'm probably too young to be wishing for something like that, but its the thing that's on my mind everyday. At night, I lay in bed and cuddle with my pillow, I pretend that is my husband, and he loves me and doesn't judge me for my decisions. My only real friends are a decade older than I am, they're the only people I truly trust. But I don't want them to worry about me, yes they are there to care for me in a way that is still baffling to me, but they don't have to, they're too good to me. They know what he did to me and they hate him for it, and I just wish I can find a person who is my sole mate (as cliche that may sound), someone who I can completely rely on, who I could say anything to and he won't judge me for it. I probably sound like a winy brat right now. I've been depressed for my whole life, from the time my grandmother passed away when I was six to today. I struggle with confidence, and social interactions. It took me 2 months to get used to my friends, and how much they care for me. I have a hard time believing that people love me, the word is thrown around like a frisby and I find it hard to believe that people could love me. My friends tell me they love me everyday, and I still don't believe it, I can't understand why I don't believe it. When I think about marriage, I think about a man loving another man unconditionally (Obviously I don't think about heterosexual marriage). And this is one thing that I hope to achieve one day, because I can't stand the thought of living on my own, because I have the biggest fear of getting robbed again. I struggle with my gender identity, I know biologically I am a man, but intellectually I don't feel like one. I don't want to be a woman, but I want to grow my hair out, wear makeup and occasionally wear an article of women's clothing. Is there something wrong with that? I'm not a murderer, drug addict or rapist. But I love men, and somehow that's a lot worse. I'm sorry for rambling, and I am definitely not finished, but if you would so kind as to ask me questions or provide me with advice to help me, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks Male Streisand
Hi, I dont know what you really feel but I have also gone through depression and suicidal thoughts due to my sexuality. I have never had a boyfriend/partner before and It really eats into me that I may never find one, it bites into me as I got older. I went through seclusion where I started stop communicating with my friends and become holed up in my room after study and during weekends. I live in a Muslim majority country Malaysia, so its much harder being a LGBT. One day,I eventually stopped with being a recluse and find new things to do in life. The first step was last year in August when I joined a big camping group to the jungle with like 40 strangers on a raft with a friend. I enjoyed it. After that I went to a tropical island on Borneo with another random group, the following month I did a diving license at another island and now I am constantly finding new things to do and places to visit do while juggling my university studies. It distracts me from the loneliness but also give me hope that i will meet more new people and meet that someone special. I began to go to the gym to get myself fit for outdoor activities, lost some weight, wear clothes one size smaller and feel confident about myself,and fantasize that Id eventually attract someone.:icon_redf You need to take the effort to pick up yourself. Truthfully, I still feel lonely, but it is manageable now. I hope this helps. I joined this forum when my depression was at its peak and reading some stuff here helped me alot.
