I hope this is thread is in the right section, if not then someone please redirect it. I'm in a campus ministry called Chi Alpha. And the subject of "sexual morality" had come up about a week and a half ago. Now, the subject of homosexuality didn't come up per just sexual morality. The pastor cited scripture, and I suppose it may have addressed homosexuality. I'm not out with people in Chi Alpha, but I tend to act straight as I can. I don't refer to LGBT things(e.g. the "bathroom bill" in Texas, gay marriage, or any general LGBT things). I try to act as heteronormative as I can. The people in Chi Alpha are somewhat within the political leaning of libertarian or conservative with a sprinkle of liberal. I have seen some brief "homoerotic" instances from "straight" guys in Chi Alpha: Some of my friends in Chi Alpha and I played Super Smash Brothers. Myself and someone else watched when my friends played "Strip Smash", and took off clothes whenever they died on Smash Bros. Everyone got down to their underwear, one guy took off his underwear in the bathroom(I suppose to be modest ). Other instance is when my two friends in Chi Alpha wrestle shirtless. Regarding masturbation, the issue hasn't been addressed fully in church service. I have done my own homework on the subject and it's an issue that's been debated since time and memorial. Masturbation itself isn't mentioned in the Bible per se aside from the "spilling of the seed" from Oman. I have read some articles on the subject some saying it's bad and some saying it isn't bad(the subject of fantasy vs lustful). I'm confused on that. I masturbate at least once a week though I don't feel that much guilt rather just releasing tension. Regarding my status as a LGBT member in Chi Alpha, I negotiate my masculinity within a heteronormative environment more or less. I act straight as I can. Now, I'm not sexually active as I was last year. I do have two dating apps on my phone but I stopped browsing up for people on there since I feel hesitant to explore my sexuality further. As somewhat crossing into territory as being a Christian, I'm hesistant to explore myself further. I mean I feel somewhat hesistant to. I mean I thought about joining my college's LGBT club but I'm 100% unfamiliar with people in it. I see myself as somewhat as bi curious at the least but I already feel conflicted. I do like Chi Alpha in terms of the fellowship of hanging out with people. They do seem like good hearted people since they don't drink or do drugs(compared to other people I don't know), they seem like positive influences for me. Though from being around them, I seriously thought they would be cool if I just went up to them and said I'm bi curious. I mean that's part of the reason why I tend to "act straight" around them. I'm conflicted about exploring my sexuality and the issue of masturbation within the scope of being in Chi Alpha. I like the fellowship aspect and being a Christian but I feel like I have to negogiate my masculinity within it. I don't want to leave Chi Alpha until I graduate but I don't want to quite and loose friends I made already in it.
Well, as I see it, you have three overall options. 1. Put the ministry ahead of your sexuality, and keep that part of you buried until graduation. 2. Try to "live two lives" - staying with the ministry, but exploring your sexuality sort of "around" that. 3. Deciding to explore your sexuality, and seeing how the ministry responds to it. The main issue I have with your post is this. You repeatedly say you like this group, but you also indicate a lot of places where you're altering your behavior. You say several times that you're acting "as straight as I can", and you're deliberately not bringing up anything even remotely "gay". I've said this before about fraternities, but I think it applies here, too. Real friends like you because you're you. Fraternity friends like you because it's in the charter. You recognize this issue. You're not sure if they like YOU, or they like "heterosexual you". And I don't think that's a good position to be in. Do know that there are plenty of people out there who would like you for you. God knows I had plenty of friends in college, and most of them didn't smoke or drink much, either. Lex
I'm 50/50 on either giving the ministry all 100% of my effort or living a double life of exploring my sexuality and being in the ministry. Based on what I know about the people I surround myself in the ministry, it is pretty heteronormative. Though I have encountered a guy I hooked up with briefly last February in the ministry. We haven't said anything to each other but know the same people. It's a little odd the situation. I mean I don't know if that guy is curious or what. And also I have a friend in the ministry that I believe is curious or had been gay in his past before he became evangelical. He seems to get a little close with his male friends whenever we hang out. He joke flirts with his ex-roommate and calls him "baby." Both of them take their shirts off a few times to wrestle whenever I see them. My friend rarely mentions about women or girls in any sentence except about other guy friend's relationships with girls or women. He knew referred that he had a girlfriend in the past. I get a vibe whenever I'm around him, he's not totally straight rather somewhere within the scope of curious but doesn't directly act homosexual rather indirectly in some jokingly way.