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Guy Ive been seeing is in the closet

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by donut, Feb 27, 2017.

  1. donut

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    So Ive been seeing this guy for about a year now and we get along great and I am crazy in love with him. The only problem is is that hes not out and I am and literally no one knows except two people who found out by prying at him. Its been really hard because I want to be with him and share it with my friends and family because it makes me so happy but I can do that to him because its not something that I can change you know? I do tell him how I feel and especially at the times when it is really really hard but I think it hurts him too because I know he doesnt choose to not come out he just doesnt feel ready. Its just getting harder and harder for me and it feels almost like Im back in the closet and I have no one to turn to for this because I really dont want him to know how much it hurts me to be shoved away from everyone like a dirty secret.

    Some more info: I am friends with his friends and he is friends with mine but that is the extent how what people know, they just think we are friends including my roommates and family. We have to sneak around and he wont do anything, even hug me, if theres a chance that someone is around and could see. We are very happy together like I said aside from this
     
  2. DreamonRose

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I bet that it was hard for you too come out so it might be even harder for him. I think you just need to give him time because he obviously wants this if he is taking time out to be with you even away from others. So it might just have to be a thing for a while longer until it is his time.
     
  3. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This is a tough place to be in. One of the pitfalls of dating someone closeted is that you end up, as you said, back in your own closet. And that can take a real hit on your own worthiness.

    The catch is, there isn't much you can really do. Age is a big factor here. You don't say how old you are or he is, but if he's still with his parents, then there's always the risk that by coming out, it could jeopardize the stability of his home environment, so it may not be a real option.

    If that isn't the issue, then there are self-esteem issues that have to be addressed before he feels comfortable and confident to come out. And it isn't really your place to process those with him.

    So basically, you have to be patient... or you can also decide, very reasonably, that it isn't healthy for you (because of how it's affecting your own self-worth) and end the relationship. If you do decide to be patient, you can discuss with him a reasonable timeline (3, 6, 12 months) with milestones (over the course of x number of months, telling a close friend, then other close friends, then other friends, and finally family, for example) which he establishes, and then hold him accountable.