Feeling miserable and hopeless

Title sums it up. Half copied and re-posted from my blog cause i realized i wanted comments after i posted it, and i've no idea how to delete my own blog entry. Not really sure how to put everything in my head into words that actually make sense. Its about to be March and by summer i'll have to have my license, a second job, and a place to live cause me getting kicked out is inevitable. I can't even park yet.

I just feel like such a lost cause. I can't take another betrayal like that again. It hurts even more knowing that dad will never defend me even if he doesn't agree with what she does either. It hurts more knowing that if dad were separated from mom he would be somewhat supportive, but while he is with mom he will not dare lift a finger against her. Ever. He's never once spoke up in my defense against her, hell he usually either just stands there beside her watching or he takes her side and gets mad at me. She's always been emotionally abusive but its taken me till these past few years to see it. I thought that even if i'm too fucked up to make friends, at least i'd always have my family. But i won't. Especially now that i know i'm gay. It hurts knowing i'll never be good enough for them. Knowing that in three months i will never be ready to even get my license with how little opportunity there is to practice and. Knowing that in three months mom will scream yell insult tear me down and dad will either sit there and watch or take her side. Knowing that in three months i'll probably be homeless, without so much as a license cause mom lied to me about it all these years so i never actually had a real license...

I know what i'll do when that happens. I've felt like since my middle school years i'd probably die by suicide. Knowing all of this, i know that if i were to get kicked out without a license without a place to go, i would just kill myself. I know even if some miracle happened and i could support myself in three months, i'd be all alone anyways. What's he point then? I have no friends. I've always been alone and socially awkward. And its a small town so there's like nothing here, but my job's here, my roots are here so i don't wanna just up and move. Not like i could drive anyways and we don't have public transportation.

ALSO there's this. This is what i wanted to edit my blog to add to it. My mom complains so much, always has. She's very dramatic. She wants to complain about shit and if you try to help her and offer a solution she just ignores it and keeps complaining. Growing up she always turned everything into a lesson - a lesson on how to avoid something unlikely/horrific like getting kidnapped or raped, a lesson on how to grow up independent and not need a man, a lesson on how bad men are. And strangers. She would rant at length to me about dad and their marriage and if they were fighting and about her 'friends' (never real friends, she'd rant about them angrily behind their back all the time, but put up a facade in front of them). Stuff she should have been telling a friend, not her then tween/teen daughter. About how dad isn't the type of husband she wants anymore about how he doesn't do much around the house, everything. IMO he's a great dad cause he stays around for us despite hating her, supporting the family on his job (she puts hers into savings insisting she'll need it 'when he leaves'). He's emotionally unavailable but he's there when you really need him. Unless mom's in the room then he isn't.

I just feel like even if she insists kids are a blessing from god, she probably regrets having me. I'm the reason they got married to begin with. I feel like if i had never been born she never would have married him, she could have finished college, got a job she loves that pays well, and married a man she might be able to tolerate. But with her impossible standards, complaining all the time, i'm not sure even then she'd be happy but at least she'd have a chance, ya know. I feel like she hates the life she's ended up with and that my birth is the cause for it all. Like if she'd aborted me she'd have been happier at the age she is now with how her life turned out.

 

Thanks so much i really appreciate you doing this. <3 Your parents' early dating/marriage life mirrors mine. My mom had me at 19. She had a traumatic childhood and recent traumas too and was in no way ready to have a child. But she had me anyways, despite totally not being ready to parent a child and view it as a being separate from yourself. She had the 'children must be seen and not heard' view on kids. Growing up at some point I should have gone to counseling, a mental facility really I had depression and started self harming in middle school yet she didn't really take it seriously. She would tell me horror stories (despite never having been in one herself) and insist i didn't really want that, that i didn't really need that, i just needed whatever easy solution she proposed. Yet both of my siblings, who have attempted suicide, got counseling right away because they had concrete problems - they were being bullied. But because i had no concrete problem, she always just told me to get over it pretty much.

The 'three months' thing is cause mom thinks i'm graduating this spring from college online classes. I'm not and truth of the matter is i havent been taking classes for a while now. I might have a new direction i want my life to go in, but that won't count for shit in her book. Back three years ago...i was at a four year university on their money. I wanted to take a semester off to get counseling, i was fialing my second semester in a row. Used up all their money. I wanted counseling. I'd talked to friends and an academic advisor about it and they all agreed it was the best step for me. I foolishly believed mom would see the same. Instead i got yelled at and insulted. "What hard life?! *cue complete retelling of mom's entire childhood for the millionth time*"..."I gave you a chance! I told you to go to the campus counseling center and we'd pay for it! *nevermind i didn't have a health insurance card and i knew she would change her mind the moment i mentioned her parenting in therapy or made any insinuation that she needed to change her behavior, all this after a whole lifetime of being told to just get over it*..."I should have just beaten you growing up then maybe you would have grown up right"..."If you can't learn to drive then you can damn well walk to work"..."I won't even tell you not to apply at McDonalds! Did you know the manager there's got a record for assault?"...and more times than i can count, she called me a "selfish little bitch".

I've never been able to get past that night, her words, her actions. I foolishly put my faith in the words of others, that she would see reason, and instead she not only shot me down, but wanted to kick me out. If i didn't get back in school - nevermind her refusal to send me back to the four year university - i was to be out in six months. Hence the online classes. I literally stayed alive for the baby boy i ended up babysitting not but a month later. Both of his parents worked and his mom was due to go back to work from maternity leave, so he needed a sitter and i lived just a block away. I literally didn't know what it was like to have somebody love me no matter what till i started watching that baby boy. His mom didn't even keep contact with me though...they moved like a year ago and i have no idea how he's doing today. But for the longest time, i got through the weekend purely so i could walk in his room and see his face light up and greet me happily every weekday morning.

That's why i'm terrified of what's inevitably going to happen. She'll find out the moment she decides to ask when's graduation. Where is it, what sort of party do i want, what are my post-graduation plans. And because for years she lied to me about my drivers license, i don't even have that. If i had that, i'd feel a lot better about needing to be out so quick. I haven't even gotten over the last betrayal i can't possibly take another. I think i'll list out all the shit she's pulled though...not in this post, just in this thread. I will explain the drivers license issue though. Here's what happened: i went to get a new copy of my learners permit years and years ago, and when they handed me the copy mom insisted it was a real drivers license. Said that they mixed it up and gave me a real license not another permit. I showed it to her multiple times, not believing they could make such a mistake, but she insisted. Said that god must have taken pity on me and known i would not have gotten it any other way. She's never believed i'll be able to get my license, despite complaining at having to drive me places and being part of the reason i still don't have it...And when i showed dad my license buying my car a few months ago, he was like "No that's a permit. You've still gotta get your license". I haven't been able to practice cause his car's been in and out of the shop - first, somebody rear ended him, then he totaled it in the rain. Ugh.

 

Thank you so much for this. <3 I'm beyond exhausted right now so i can't formulate a proper response, just thanks. I meant to reply earlier, I've been so distracted. Now work's giving me shit too. But that's for another post. I can't promise anything but I wouldn't mind talking to you. I hear you on that last sentence - anytime my mom is home, especially if I'm in the same room as her, my behavior is completely altered. I get super anxious around anybody that reminds me of her too. Fortunately the one supervisor at work that reminds me of her doesn't work my hours every often.

---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2017 at 01:33 AM ----------

I feel like I'm whining and being pathetic but I've got nowhere else to put my thoughts and feel like I'm getting support. Ugh i feel like that sounds so needy. But whatever. I've already established the basic shit about home. I'm bound to get kicked out and mom's bound to eventually find out that i'm gay (as in sometime during my lifetime, i'm not stupid enough to tell her now)...so i'm bound to end up with the only parent i ever felt close to as a kid think i'm disgusting and want nothing to do with me.

As if that wasn't bad enough i'm risking getting coached at work too. I didn't even know it. Work tracks the cashiers for tons of little stuff in a packet of papers that the ZMS is responsible for, and if your numbers are higher than they think is acceptable, you'll get a warning from the ZMS - this is normal. But this past few months they've added something new. If you're on the ZMS's packet for 3 weeks in a row, you will get coached. Basically, you'll get a talking to from your manager. The new ZMS is one of my old supervisors - he's my age and he's always been nothing but nice to me. He's the one i suspect might be gay but anyways. Point is...apparently the past 2 weeks i've been on it and he's neglected to tell me until...yesterday! Walmart week ends on Friday! And i didn't work today so there is no way i'll be able to get the numbers down in one day to avoid a warning from the front end manager. They tracks such stupid stuff, stuff i didn't know till wednesday when ZMS guy told me about it! One of them i can work on, but the other literally isn't even in my control! It feels like home all over again. As nice and understanding as the front end manager is i'm afraid she'll have to hold me responsible for shit i'm not even in control of and did not know was an issue until yesterday. And with ZMS guy's slacking i might not even find out this weekend like i'm supposed to if i get on his packet of tracked stats for cashiers.

Not gonna lie i totally slashed up my upper right arm over it this morning...work is the one place i was starting to feel accepted at. Then i have this thrown at me. Something i can't control that i didn't know was an issue. I hate confrontation to begin with, even if i love the front end manager we currently have. Its just automatic to get as freaked as i would if i knew mom was about to get pissed about something or another. I hate just as much that its the ZMS guy that 'was the final straw' so to speak. Like i said he's been nothing but nice to me. When i first started showing self harm scars at work i noticed that they (the supervisors) noticed but most of them just looked it over he was the only one that looked shocked and paused for a moment. He usually notices them, i can tell. I mean i don't bother to hide them, but either he doesn't hide it very well or the others are better at ignoring it idk. And one time a while back he noticed that i looked upset - this alone surprised me cause at the time nobody ever noticed. But he did and he came over to ask if i was okay. Course me being me i fucked it up. I didn't know what to say so i just said the first thing that came to my head and asked about the money i had ordered for the register.

 

This is precisely what made me start to seriously question her parenting. Until that point as a survival mechanism of sorts I literally had a “Mother is GOD” sort of mindset. It was only after a lot of googling and thinking and reminiscing that I came to the conclusion that my mom’s a narcissistic, controlling, codependent bitch. I mean if you google Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you’ve pretty much got her personality behind closed doors in a nutshell.

No, I’m the oldest actually. I’m a legal adult. Its kind of embarrassing. Everyone still lives at home and unless dad divorces mom its gonna stay that way for a while. I did talk to my dad though!! It was a leap of faith to be honest. I mean logically I know he’s the total opposite parent my mom is – calm, patient, etc – but in my head that never matters. I still react to everything and everyone as if they had my mom’s behavior patterns. Well not literally…just until I get to know them. ANYways, dad was totally calm and accepting of all my new school plans and wanting to get my license. Said he’s willing to take me out and stuff to practice in my new car now that he’s got his back finally. For now. His might need to go back in again cause they fucked something up fixing something else. He said he actually anticipated me coming to him cause apparently my brother told him months ago about how I told him (brother) about wanting to change career plans. Lol go figure…I told him not to tell mom but I never explicitly told him not to tell anybody else. Point is, for now its okay. Mom still doesn’t know and will for sure flip out when she finds out I’m not graduating in three months, but as long as progress goes well from now on I’m hoping that goes alright. Not expecting dad to stand up for me but at least for now behind her back he’s on my side. Mom’s not the one paying all the bills anyways, dad is, so I don’t think she’s got the right to kick me out anyways. On the chance she does, those resources are a good source. I’m not gonna come out to them yet. Point is, my dad knows about the school stuff and is on my side so I at least have one trusted parental figure. And he’s the one paying the bills so there’s that bonus.

Ooooh there’s a simulator? Oooh okay the link takes me to practice tests. YES this is the link I used to have on my computer! Well the old one but it crashed. I might need to retake the written test too so this’ll be a great help, thanks for the link! Its safely in my bookmarks now.

And yeah San Antonio’s too far south. Its good to know there are LGBT specific places though…I live within like a half hour to an hour of a few big cities so surely if I needed it they would have something. There’s a chance I could probably get a coworker to let me sleep on their couch for a night or two if I needed it.

What’s C-PTSD? It sounds familiar. Google can answer this for me…I found this site, is it accurate enough? Complex PTSD - PTSD: National Center for PTSD. I’m not looking to self diagnose I’m just trying to understand everything. Like…what’s me being a little behind socially versus something attributable to how I grew up that I can eventually work on with a therapist. Which TBH will probably be as soon as I get my license and a quote for how much it would cost per month. So far it describes me quite well…hell I’ve known for years I have problems with ‘emotional regulation’ and I’ve always attributed that to how I was raised. ‘Disassociation’ is a term that I don’t get…I mean I know the definition but I don’t get how that’s supposed to look in real life. I actually did teach myself how to shut off my emotions, as I called it, is that what I means? But that was on purpose. I taught it to myself originally as a way to avoid self-harming because being numb and a little slow to react was better than being overwhelmed and unable to function. I haven’t done it in a while though and I’m so out of practice I don’t think I could do it without a lot of focus. For years like the page im reading says I did attribute total control to my mother – learned helplessness is the term. ‘Relations with others’ fits well too, the ‘isolation, distrust’ part. I never expected anybody to rescue me.

I do seriously wonder if I’ve got something. PTSD has always seemed like such a big thing for my childhood though even if this does sound like something worth looking into. It wasn’t until I started my first job – aka my current job – that I noticed it. I thought I’d only be dysfunctional at home but I’m dysfunctional at work too. I absolutely cannot handle angry customers or even annoyed customers, I react the same no matter how the level of anger they show is. I just become an anxious stuttering mess – if I can talk at all – and wait for a supervisor to come and help. Most of them are nice. It doesn’t occur to me ever at the moment how to handle it professionally, normally even. I was floured watching ZMS guy talk to a customer in the Customer Service area who started yelling. He was all professional and set a boundary and stood with it and called for a comanager and it amazed me. I was in my head like wait you can do that? One of my supervisors has always made me anxious just because something about her no-nonsense attitude reminds me of my mom. She doesn’t work my hours very often though anymore.

Really? Yeah my mom’s always done something called gaslighting. She pulls some shit and then denies it later on when asked about it, quite passionately. As a kid I fell for it, which led to me not trusting my own senses and perceptions of things. To this day I have to check my alarm multiple times just to verify for absolute sure its set, when I babysat Bubba for 2.5 years I’d have to check that the doors we locked multiple times before I napped when he went down for his nap, shit like that. There’s probably a term for what she’s been doing – ‘smearing’ I guess? She tells all of her clients everything like they’re her personal therapist including all about me – her version of me, anyways. She tells them all I have high functioning autism and that I was diagnosed. I don’t and I’ve never so much as met a person with a doctorate in psychology let alone a therapist. But that’s what she tells them and for a time she had me convinced but now that this shit’s come to light this past year, I think most of my shit can be attributed to her. She tells them I have autism and she went so far as to put it in my birthday post on facebook – all of our extended family can see that. She wants to use me for money cause she is convinced dad is inevitably going to leave, which he won't he stays for us.
She has this idea in her head built up that dad's gonna drop us and leave and she has to save save save and not pay a single dime for the bills despite making more than I do. She thinks he's gonna leave and I'm gonna be the good daughter and help them make ends meet and she thinks she's gonna take like half his income or more in something called alimony that dad says she's not even legally entitled to without a care for anybody else. In this alimony she wants dad to agree that i have autism so she can get an extra like 5% from his income. She's codependent and now she wants to use me for money yay. I'm so glad dad's not divorcing her yet.

My long term memory is fine but I’m very forgetful. I have to write everything down or I won’t remember it and I know I wasn’t always like that. Lol yes I’ve never been shy about talking about my childhood online. It’s a way of anonymously validating my own experience and opinions, really. Safely behind a screen cause all my screennames are only known by me. In person, nobody actually knows anything at work mostly out of fear someone mom knows will overhear and word will get back to her. I don’t know any of her clients I only see them in passing but they recognize me from facebook photos and seeing me in passing around the house (she does personal training from the house). I mean there’s one coworker who knows I don’t like the one supervisor because she reminds me of my mom and that’s like all I ever told anybody.