I'm in my 30s and I find it very difficult to make connections with people, whether for friendships or romance. Making friends is supposed to be easier when you're a kid see other people your own age all the time and don't have any commitments outside of school, and I found it difficult to make friends even back then. as an adult I still struggle with friendships. When I'm at work, I'm fine with talking to people. I'm good at facing customers, and I chat with them and I'm very chatty with co-workers. It's an environment and situation that I'm familiar with and feel comfortable in and I have no problem interacting with other people when I need to. But in a social situation I'm rubbish. I'm meeting people who do all kinds of different things for a living, and if I talk with them about work, I can't really engage that well. I'm removed from the situation and don't really feel comfortable talking about my job when I'm supposed to be relaxing and unwinding. But even when I'm talking about other stuff like family life and going to the gym, I can't really engage on the subject. I find it much easier to chat about these things when I'm at work talking with colleagues and customers. I have nights where I go out to socialize, and end up sitting quietly instead. I'm all polite and friendly but I don't get to have a laugh and get stuff off my chest. Then I go home feeling like I might as well have sat on my own all night. I go into work the next day, and I end up chatting and laughing with my colleagues. so I actually get to have more fun at work than when I go out in my downtime. And that just seems wrong somehow. When I go out, that's my chance to make friends and hopefully even meet someone nice who I might start dating and even have a relationship with. But the way it's going, I don't think that's likely to happen. I'm just not able to give my all in a social situation, and therefor I don't see how I'm going to attract anyone into wanting to spend more time with me. How can I improve myself? :bang:
From what you've written, it sounds like you have a longstanding issue with socializing (from childhood on), and that's it's causing you stress since you'd rather things were different. Those two things being the case, it might be a good idea to start looking for a counselor/therapist who can help you examine some reasons why you might be having trouble socializing with people. If there's a reason this is going on (and since your life is probably not the same as it was when you were in school, I'm guessing there's some other factor at work), they may be able to help you figure out what's going on. If you decide to pursue this route, and the following is an option for you, try finding a few different therapists in your area, have an initial appointment with each, and decide which you're most comfortable with. That can be a very helpful way to set yourself up with a counselor you know you will related well with. As far as socializing otherwise, many people do indeed have more trouble meeting friends as an adult. Perhaps you could ask some of your coworkers if they want to grab a bite to eat after work some night. Or, you could try looking for opportunities to volunteer in your area, especially if it involves some sort of hobby or interest you have. Getting together with other people with similar interests in an environment that has you working on those interests can make getting to know people much, much easier.
I have been meeting up with a group that is based on a similar interest, but there are times I meet up with them and everyone else ends up chatting and I'm not. I'm the quiet one in at the table who is not contributing to the discussion. I'm not good with groups of people any way, I prefer one to one conversation. If I'm with a group of people I get easily overwhelmed and that makes it more difficult for me to join in.
It sounds like a bit of an anxiety or confidence issue to me and it might be worth exploring this with a counsellor/therapist. You're not totally without communication skills, because you seem to engage easily with customers and colleagues, but something is preventing you from transferring those same skills into a social situation. It would be worth exploring why that might be.
You're right. Chatting with people and having a laugh when I'm at work always comes naturally to me, but it doesn't come naturally when I'm trying to be sociable. And that makes it very difficult for me to make friends.
