So lately I've been questioning my gender identity because about a week or two ago I slowly lost feelings of dysphoria. This made me instantly question myself because I always search for a chance to be "normal". I know for a fact my current identity is still male. However, that's besides the point. The thing is, about a few days before I noticed my lack of dysphoria, I experienced a significant worsening of depression. I am currently in a state (that I've been in a few times before) where I feel nothing, and if I do happen to feel something, it's sadness and hopelessness. I realised that my lack of emotions and lack of care for anything is what is making my dysphoria less and less, and I know I shouldn't be happy to be depressed, but I'm definitely happy not to have a constant hatred for myself. I guess I'm just not sure what to do, I don't even know if this is a rant or if there's an actual question I want answered, but if you have anything to contribute feel free.
I'm not exactly sure how to respond to your post, but will give it a shot anyway, lol. Well, on the one hand, it's wonderful that you've now stopped hating yourself, but on the other hand, your state of mind/state of being is affected, and in turn causing the care-free feelings you're experiencing. Neither depression nor dysphoria is good for your overall state of being, but I would strongly urge you to seek help with your depression. I know it's great not worrying about the fact that you were born in the wrong body, and I hope I'm not coming off as ignorant or insensitive, but depression will take its toll in more ways than you can imagine, and that needs to be addressed as soon as possible. I'm not in your shoes, so cannot relate to you on a more personal level, but I know how destructive and debilitating depression can be, and though it seems to be working for you now, things can quickly become worse. What if your dysphoria comes back regardless of your depression? Won't that make you fall into an even deeper hole? That's why I say your depression needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. Ultimately, your health and wellbeing comes first. Don't give up, but also don't neglect yourself for the little bit of feel-good thoughts that depression is allowing you to have. I don't know if any of this makes sense. To me it looks like a ramble.
I understand the feeling of dysphoria lessening when another problem is worse. For me, my dysphoria lessens when my eating disorder worsens. Unfortunately, I don't know how to deal with it. My best advice is to simultaneously embrace the lack of dysphoria and also try to "get over" the depression. ("Get over" as in try to get out of it not like "oh, psshh get over it"). Best of luck!
yeah a huge side effect of depression is taking energy away from the things that used to interest you... which isn't the same as dysphoria, its not like anyone is interested in dysphoria, but dysphoria hits when gender perception at least has a degree of importance. So that fits right into depression's range of awful soul-sucking abilities. Literally when all else fails find someone who you can get mad with. like that may sound counter-intuitive? but the one thing that'll pull me out of depression is talking with someone who I can vent to and if they'll validate me and get riled up then I feel like I need to fight because its unfair and do something out of spite because otherwise I just feel like nothing or like I deserve it when my life falls apart. So get really fucking mad. You have to be invested to be angry.
