I've already posted so many of these before so I'm not going to go into all the details but I literally cannot cope with life anymore. I've been crying since 4PM and it's 10:30PM now. I want to cut myself again, I would've done it except I think this is the most success I've had so far with quitting and I don't want to relapse. I'm really tempted though. I don't know what's wrong with me. Just today we had to do a dissection and obviously, I'm not as strong as I thought. I had three girls in my group and none of them wanted to cut the piglet so I was forced to do it because I'm the quietest and pressured most easily. I've never felt so terrible in my life. I promised I'd never mutilate a corpse like that (perform a dissection) and the only reason I eat meat at all is because I'm made to by my parents. I can barely stomach eating meat so you can imagine how I was. I'd never seen so much blood in my life. And I won't be able to get the feeling of cutting through it out of my mind either. It just looked so alive and seeing it opened up just made me feel numb. I felt so sick for the rest of the day, barely ate anything and then started crying as soon as I got home. Of course, that's not the only thing. If it was, I'd be a bit concerned (crying on and off for six hours over a piglet). I've always had social anxiety and everything, I've mentioned it before but this year I actually had some friends. Fifteen friends. And now how many do I have? Two. We've spent the past few lunch breaks talking about how lonely we are and how everyone's changed. I don't know why. Everyone just changed one day. I hate it when people change. All I can think about is how we used to be before and how I'd give anything to go back. I can't stand being alone. But you know what? I wish I'd never wasted my time trying to get to know some of them. I'm not just saying that out of emotion either, I would change my past happily. There are some I forgive and that's even worse because it means I miss them. I asked one of my friends that are leftover and she said we're the least popular people in the grade which is great because that means I was kidding myself the whole time, thinking so many people actually wanted to be my friend. I also have an oral presentation possibly tomorrow that's way overdue but I can't really think about it too much at this point, I'd be happy with a fail, to be honest. I don't care about it anymore. I also have my whole family ganging up and looking down on me, which I've already said before. I hate them but my mom is okay occasionally. I don't know how much more of them I can stand. And I just remembered that I have homework due tomorrow, hopefully I get detention so I have something to do at lunch. I don't know how many replies I'll get, if any but what do you do when you've totally broken down and want to die? I won't commit suicide because the success rates aren't great, that's really the only reason right now.
