I am the only one who gets discriminated by the gay community?

aisanboy · Mar 11, 2017

I am Andy and I am new here.

I recently started going out also downloading those dating apps.

Prior to that I had a partner and never really felt the need to go look for things to do that involved gay dating or meeting other gay people.

I just lived a pretty low profile life.

With that in mind I jumped right into the gay scene thinking I'd be welcome since gay men know better, but what I found in the bars and nightlife venues was horrible snobbery, to the point NO ONE, I literally mean NOT A SINGLE SOUL would even look at me or smile at me! Every time I tried to make eye contact I was just ignored, or the conversation was shallow.

I am slightly overweight, is that the reason?

On those dating apps, its the exact same thing, people ignore me.

I do not know if it's because i am slightly overweight, or it's the nature of the gay community. I just feel like I want to retrieve and close myself up again.

It's really hurtful to go to LGBT activities looking to meet people only to have snobs many times even well into their 30's completely ignore you to the point they will not even determine you're there!!!

I wonder if this just me, or maybe I am just a terribly ugly person, or if I send the wrong vibes. I certainly feel awful it's a blow to my self-esteem.

Am I looking for friends in the wrong places perhaps?

Thanks a lot

lonewolf79 · Mar 12, 2017

Hi and welcome to EC.

You are not alone. I too am very far from being part of the LGBT community. I thought that after coming out, I would make friends and people would be helpful as we're all kind of in the same boat. What I got was stares, ignoring, comments ... I was shocked. Hence, in the 12 years since coming out, I have never been part and never want to be part of the greater community. I have also decided to be back in the closet for other reasons. I tried making friends but all those guys wanted from apps were hook ups and that is not who I am! I gave up and just go along each day by myself. I don't even wonder anymore what it would be like to date or even have one gay friend to talk to in person. I only have contact on this site and it's been great! Very nice people on here and super helpful. I am also slightly overweight and I know that has not been in my favour but I am who I am ...
Best of luck and warm hugs

Random Ross 1 · Mar 15, 2017

I've definetely noticed it. Especially since I'm bisexual and transgender (ftm). It would be bad if I was just one or the other, but one thing is for certain. The LGBT a community needs to come together. It's sad when the community people are supposed to feel safe coming out to judges them over stupid things.

skittlz · Mar 15, 2017

I so sorry about your struggles! I think it's terrible those people were so snobbish...you shouldn't ever have to feel like you could be ugly!

Right now, I'm keeping a low profile because I'm working on some other things in life first. Even so, I do feel a bit nervous coming out because bisexuals tend to be seen as nonexistent anyway...so much for the B in LGBT. I'm also Chinese American so most of my other Chinese American friends don't support LGBT people. I worry that when I come out more, it'll feel like I'm knocking down membership to an identity in order to kinda invisibly come out with my more recent identity ....?

I hope you find support!

---------- Post added 15th Mar 2017 at 04:50 PM ----------

I think EC is a rather friendly place so far

AuroraBorealis · Mar 15, 2017

I personally have not experienced a lot of first hand discrimination in the LGBT community, more than likely because I keep such a low profile. Despite being a lesbian, I don't necessarily consider myself apart of the "LGBT community", but then again I'm too young to go to a bar and live where the community is nonexistant, but I will say that from being online I have seen certain discriminations within the LGBT community, usually online(very rarely on EC though) what I've usually seen is "REAL lesbians don't do ______" Like, ok, what is a fake lesbian?

My opinion is...be who you are, you don't have to go and pretend to be someone you're not just be considered someone else's standard of "Gay"

Just find friends that like you for you. I am sorry you've had that experience though. Best of luck

Chip · Mar 15, 2017

Hi, and welcome to EC.

You're absolutely on the mark about how hurtful the comments (or, simply, being ignored) can feel. It's wrong on every level, and I understand what that feels like.

That said, I'd like to offer a clarification: You asked about 'being discriminated against by the gay community." A more accurate definition here is "being discriminated against by the community of people who use hookup apps."

The distinction is necessary because, quite frankly, the hookup apps, along with bar and club culture, are overwhelmingly full of shallow people who really aren't interested in meaningful connection or understanding the real human being behind whatever picture is posted on the app (or what they see on the club floor.) Shallowness is epidemic in those environments and present in other places... but it isn't pervasive.

There are plenty of people who don't feel that way, and who genuinely love and appreciate and feel attraction to people for who they are. You're just extremely unlikely to find them in clubs, bars, or hookup apps. That means it's a bit more effort but then... anything worthwhile is worth taking time to find.

I'd personally suggest ditching the apps entirely and looking for Meetup.com groups for LGBT people, focused on whatever interests you (I've seen them for hiking, gaming, theater/movie nights, potlucks, all sorts of other things...) or check to see if there's an LGBT center or other gay-centered activities not associated with hookups and the club culture. I think you'll find people more interested in real relationships and connection.

Again, I'm sorry for the poor reception you've had. It is unfortunately a byproduct of a bunch of people who feel really crappy about themselves, and so they judge others in an attempt to make themselves feel better. And that is who is, overwhelmiingly, in those places and apps. The upside to this is... those aren't the sort of people you'd want to go out with anyway, so this gives you the opportunity to look in places where you're more likely to find compatible types.

DreamonRose · Mar 17, 2017

If you are looking for friends don't go straight for the gay ones because hetero's are pretty cool too. Some gays are very judgmental but that is everyone. I think it will take pressure off if you know that nothing could change the friendship with a straight guy or girl maybe. Or get a lesbian friend because they can be funnnn

lonewolf79 · Mar 18, 2017

Chip said: ↑

Hi, and welcome to EC.

You're absolutely on the mark about how hurtful the comments (or, simply, being ignored) can feel. It's wrong on every level, and I understand what that feels like.

That said, I'd like to offer a clarification: You asked about 'being discriminated against by the gay community." A more accurate definition here is "being discriminated against by the community of people who use hookup apps."

The distinction is necessary because, quite frankly, the hookup apps, along with bar and club culture, are overwhelmingly full of shallow people who really aren't interested in meaningful connection or understanding the real human being behind whatever picture is posted on the app (or what they see on the club floor.) Shallowness is epidemic in those environments and present in other places... but it isn't pervasive.

There are plenty of people who don't feel that way, and who genuinely love and appreciate and feel attraction to people for who they are. You're just extremely unlikely to find them in clubs, bars, or hookup apps. That means it's a bit more effort but then... anything worthwhile is worth taking time to find.

I'd personally suggest ditching the apps entirely and looking for Meetup.com groups for LGBT people, focused on whatever interests you (I've seen them for hiking, gaming, theater/movie nights, potlucks, all sorts of other things...) or check to see if there's an LGBT center or other gay-centered activities not associated with hookups and the club culture. I think you'll find people more interested in real relationships and connection.

Again, I'm sorry for the poor reception you've had. It is unfortunately a byproduct of a bunch of people who feel really crappy about themselves, and so they judge others in an attempt to make themselves feel better. And that is who is, overwhelmiingly, in those places and apps. The upside to this is... those aren't the sort of people you'd want to go out with anyway, so this gives you the opportunity to look in places where you're more likely to find compatible types.
Click to expand...

Absolutely well said. (*hug*)

I am the only one who gets discriminated by the gay community?

aisanboy
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I am the only one who gets discriminated by the gay community?

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