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I don't feel accepted by my grandparents.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by silverdeer, Mar 15, 2017.

  1. silverdeer

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    I want to feel accepted by my grandparents but is it even possible?
    (I apologize for the long post)

    For the longest time I have gone to my Grandparents for the summer, mainly to see my grandparents and take a break from my ordinary home.

    When I came out to my mom I had a big rush of all kinds of feelings and I had to keep to myself for a few hours because I couldn't look at or talk to her, it was too hard. (I was scared she wouldn't accept me as I prepared for a bad response to possibly arise).

    Since I didn't talk to her and she needed to talk to someone whether it be me or someone else she decided to call my grandmother as that is who she talks to whenever something big (bad , good or neutral) happens.

    Sadly I don't know what my grandmother said as all my mom told me was that she talked to my grandmother about it and I had been listening to my music very loud so I never heard any of the conversation.

    My mom was very accepting (I believe this is due to her best friend being gay when she was a child and the fact that me and her have such a great relationship and she didn't want to ruin it) and she always tells me she will love me no matter what my political views are and no matter what my sexuality is and that she just wants me to live a happy life. However when I finally saw my grandmother a month later and we were in a hotel she told me that me being gay is 'a lie the liberals want you to believe' and she believes gays will go to hell, that you choose to be gay and that I wasn't gay. I know for a fact she doesn't want to believe I'm gay because then she will have to believe I'm going to hell and she doesn't want to believe that, just like how she is in denial that I am an atheist as that would also mean she doesn't get to see me in heaven.

    Fine, I'm able to deal with that.

    Sadly it gets much worse when it comes to terms with my grandfather as it is not a belief that gays are bad but that he HATES gays.

    It really sucks because when I visited my grandparents they said they would not say anything homophobic and boy did they stick to that promise :bang:

    First it started simple. My grandfather would shout at the TV 'stupid sodomites' when he saw gays and when we would eat out somewhere and get talking he would for example mention how he liked a show but he didn't like that it had "damn queers" running around. He also commonly talks about how they will burn in hell. (Note: he says 'sodomite' the most as he thinks its just as bad as a person being with an animal). It made me sad hearing him make these comments and he made them nearly daily but he did something that hurt me way more then anything else so far, he decided he needed to have a talk with me about how all guys like woman and that I soon will too.

    Also I of course have socially liberal views and boy does my family hate liberals.. they want them wiped out and to burn in hell and they believe that anything a liberal says in an evil lie and that they deserve no respect. (When a liberal says anything they get so angry and yell) Therefore I pretend to agree with what they say whenever politics are brought up :icon_sad:

    Note: My grandmother agrees with what my grandfather says but she doesn't bring it up like he does when it comes to gays however she is also very loud like him when it comes to liberals.

    I just don't feel accepted and it really saddens me..
     
  2. AlexJames

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    I'm so sorry you have to go through all that. My mom is very openly christian and conservative and believes pretty much the same stuff. Hates liberals, believes that gays chose to be gay, believes that being gay is a sexual sin and you'll go to hell, all the works. And she's very into politics and the news. I just stay in the closet and either nod my head and make some noncommittal reply or pretend to agree with her or, rarely, come up with something somewhat related to bring up or comment on to direct the conversation away from such hurtful territory. My mom is the type that just always has to be right and always have the last say so she's hard to deal with when she gets going.

    You said that your mom is accepting, but you also said a lot about how you were scared and wouldn't talk to her when you came out...i'm assuming you didn't come out super recently, right? Like, she's had time to prove she's accepting of you? If she really is...is there a chance you could talk to her about your grandparents? I mean, as much as it would be nice if she could get them to stop making such comments altogether, would she be open to simply asking them to not direct such comments at you? Like the last example about your grandfather having the talk about all boys liking girls - perhaps she could ask that he leave that up to her and not get involved. She sounds close to her parents so asking anything more of her, even if ideal, probably isn't a good idea. Sorry if i'm not much help or if my suggestions aren't realistic. I don't have much experience with extended family, even grandparents. As a kid it was a big thing that we'd go see mom's extended family for a few days over the summer, but that was only for maybe half my childhood, at best, and all it was was adults sitting around talking. I don't have much experience with extended family beyond those annual visits. All my knowledge is secondary, as my best friend growing up was very close to her grandparents.
     
    #2 AlexJames, Mar 15, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 15, 2017
  3. silverdeer

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    Yeah my mom has known for a while now and many times has shown her acceptance.

    Your ideas of what to do are great but I'm worried something bad might come out of it or that my mom would never even say anything. My mom has barely ever even talked to my grandfather due to their past and that is because when I was little (maybe 3yrs old) he did something bad to me and we went to a shelter for a week. (I would prefer keeping what he did confidential.)
     
  4. My grandparents are craaaaazy. They believe that the government is a part of the illuminati and is planning to take over America. They flipped out when a family friend came out. I don't even really care about their reaction, because they don't live near me, and well, they're crazy.