Article on shaming, yep its abuse

I agree. Idk whenever I was little and I was shamed I always felt less of myself and wanted to just go cry in my pillow.

 

It seems you are still be struggling with defining what happened to you when you were younger and you keep focusing on the "mental" abuse. Even now you elude to "most of the abuse" being "mental"; which leads to the question what else is there? And if there is more there, when will you focus on working through it?

Your searching for answers and pulling the pieces together from multiple places. The desire you have to understand not just what you experienced but whom you are is clearly there from all your posts.

You and I have touched on this topic previously but it seems to be worth reiterating - consider finding a trained therapist that can help you establish a clear path for yourself (and maybe you have since we last texted on the topic) so you can work through what "all of" the perceived abuse was along with the "most of".

 

My mother was emotionally abusive and has tendencies that sound like Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Course even if you pointed out every example possible, she'd still deny it and get pissed and offended and scream and deny. She'll never recognize it much less admit it. Reading this article, its simultaneously spot on and just the tip of the iceberg. There are many other potentially emotionally abusive behaviors. Isolation, invalidation, gaslighting, shaming and/or humiliation, terrorizing and threatening, etc.

With my mother, her emotionally abusive behaviors went hand in hand with being incredibly two faced - she is totally different in public or w/ guests than she is at home in private with her family. I grew up knowing that nothing i said was wanted to be heard, that i wasn't allowed to have an opinion that differed from mom's, that i wasn't allowed to express or feel negative emotions. She's a pro at invalidation, gaslighting, and terrorizing behaviors. I read so many articles like this one, often from that site, trying to understand her behaviors and figure out if they were wrong or not. She had me so bad for so long that i thought she was right and i had to be the worst daughter ever for questioning her.

Edit: I agree with OnTheHighway, if you have the means to get a trained, licensed therapist i would recommend it. Right now its not an option for me but in the future its something i would like to do as well. There's only so much you can work out on your own with something this big.

 

Many therapists offer free or cheap first (short) sessions to see if you feel comfortable with them. Imean, it WILL feel uncomfortable to some extent, by its very nature, but you'll be able to get a feel for what the sessions will be like.

Will they bankrupt you? Probably to some degree. Your options are trying to work beyond the mental abuse you received, with the help of a professional or without. My opinion is that you'd do far better with the help, and get beyond these issues faster.

Lex

 

Try reaching out to a local LGBT centre in Phoenix. They may have suggestions and even can recommend some groups that might work. If you have medical insurance, check with your carrier what might be covered. If not, the LGBT centre might be able to offer some good low cost suggestions.